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pinkyellowbluegreen
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Post subject: hi all... finally back again...  Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:48 pm |
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Joined: Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:04 pm
Posts: 95
Location: stockton, california
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it's been a number of years... maybe about 4 years... since i've been here. i have a son now. he's almost 3. i had a nice little break from the whole bpd thing when i got pregnant and for a little while after he was born... and now... feeling like i'm back at square 1... i'm still the same old stupid me i guess... i don't know what triggered it but i've been going through a major depressive episode for about 6 months now... slowly the reality of it all is flooding back to me... oh how i would have loved to forget i ever had this problem... but it's becoming hard to ignore. same old identity crisis... irrational fears and overwhelming anxieties... twisted thinking... self-hatred... lashing out at my husband... and even my precious son... wtf is wrong with me?! i don't deserve love from anyone... i can't love or give anything meaningful to anyone... feeling pretty worthless and hopeless... withdrawing from the world. now on top of the depression and the bpd, i've developed a substance problem... it's 3:30 in the afternoon and i'm already drunk... threatening suicide... i don't know where to turn or what to do. i have no medical insurance and i haven't been on meds for a very long time, though i'm feeling very much like i need them now. i'm feeling desperate and at an all time low... know i am self medicating but i don't know how to stop.... the pain is engulfing me... a lot of stuff has been going on inside lately... all of a sudden i remembered this forum and how much it helped me a long time ago... i'm just hoping it is not too late for me now...
thanks for reading
erin
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i postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing...
anais nin
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Lunachick
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:55 pm |
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:48 am
Posts: 421
Location: Brampton
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Erin,
It's not too late. We all have set backs. I was stable for seven years and then the depression came and engulfed me again. I'm here for the same reasons you are. I'm glad you're back. Keep writing.
Luna
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"I'm loved. I can't forget that or take it for granted. I'm going to be here and be taking advantage of every resource that I can find in Brampton. I WILL heal. The pain will subside. I have a future full of possibilities. I just have to fight tooth and nail to make it there."
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dagwood
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:45 pm |
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
Posts: 819
Location: sarasota
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erin,
I don't think it's ever too late, and I'm so glad you've decided to come back here.
dagwood
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meremortal
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 2:37 am |
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
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erin dear
what's your plan of action to help yourself?
Is there public hospital where you could see a therapist?
Is there a way to get access to meds without paying a lot?
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pinkyellowbluegreen
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:11 am |
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Joined: Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:04 pm
Posts: 95
Location: stockton, california
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thank you for the responses... i'm glad to be here with people who can understand what i'm going through... :}
meremortal, my current plan of action is to bring out my old bpd resources (dbt handbooks, notes, journal entries, etc) and do some serious self-(re)discovery and self help... journaling and exercises in building my identity and healthy boundries with people...
i am considering aa or na as i have been having a lot of trouble with the self-medicating... i feel like i am not going to make any progress until i stop drinking (binging heavily once or twice a week) and smoking pot (3-5 times a day almost every day). i am severely neglecting my basic self care (making sure my son is taken care of and staying out of trouble is a very overwhelming task for me right now)... so i am working on coming up with a stable routine for self care that i can stick to no matter what - whether i feel like it or not i guess (hygeine and proper food/nutrition, sleep, etc)... once i am completely clean and sober i am hoping it will get much easier... my thinking is so fuzzy and distorted it has been hard for me to stay aware of the distorted thinking that leads me to these emotional breakdowns... my most recent record was 4 days sober... but most times i have tried i have only been able to go 1-2 days without any substance whatsoever... it's so hard...
_________________
i postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing...
anais nin
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pinkyellowbluegreen
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:19 am |
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Joined: Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:04 pm
Posts: 95
Location: stockton, california
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i am sober now, but feeling stupid about the last post (why can't i edit the text after posting?)...
""""my thinking is so fuzzy and distorted it has been hard for me to stay aware of the distorted thinking""" hehe... pretty redundant statement there... :P i must look like an idiot pothead... i'm realizing lately that i'm terrible at first impressions (and second and third really)...
erin
_________________
i postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing...
anais nin
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dagwood
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 11:43 am |
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
Posts: 819
Location: sarasota
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((((((((pink,yellow,blue, green)))))))
don't worry about your posts....we understand...believe me, we understand
dagwood
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meremortal
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 1:56 am |
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
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erin just curious, why are you feeling stupid about your last post? there was nothing wrong about your post, trust me  it was a fine post
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dagwood
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Post subject: Re: hi all... finally back again... Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 5:45 am |
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:12 pm
Posts: 819
Location: sarasota
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I'm glad you've decided to stop drinking.....you really need clear thinking to recover.
dagwood
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