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I'm sorry in advance if I'm not supposed to be here without an official diagnosis, but don't worry---I'm not self-diagnosing either. Just need someone to tell me that I'm not overreacting or its all in my head or oh no its just because I'm intelligent and bored. Please.

I'm just scared. Nothing makes any sense to me anymore and I have this weird feeling time is running out. You'd think, what with this panic that I'd ship myself to the nearest hospital. But I know the demon goes hiding just when I try to kill it, so I'm left there looking normal and crying wolf.

I have no trust in anything or anymore, I need to get off this ride. My world is a constant charade of angels and demons. One day I love him so much and he's my saviour, my ticket to a normal life to save a tainted wretch like me, I could die without him---then not 5 minutes later all he was was a meal ticket and he's stiffling me, trapping me and I'm bored...but then he leaves and good lord I feel like the world is falling in. I never know what I'm going to want to be tomorrow.

I can do so well---I can start looking for a job, start school up again, lose weight, have a game plan, the parrot is doing well (she's my baby girl when I'm doing well), I can be so happy and proud to be in relationship that is quiet and loving, when I'm not (or are those the days I'm seeing what I actually want??) I can leave her sit in her filthy cage for two weeks and never come home. I can drink and eat till I'm sick and call up the ex for some 'excitement' even though I know he's just using me. But suddenly it seems like alcohol and branding and pain is all I want.
I try to ignore the itch and be good, I try so hard to try and do what I want to want. But it never goes away. Then the pressure builds and builds and I explode.

I can't keep doing this. I have to get off this ride of 'white picket fence one day, be a monk in tibet the next'.
Of course the fun part is that even if I get a diagnosis depending on the day I a) think the therapist is nuts/a jerk etc b) I start doing so well I stop coming or c) my life gets so torn up by moving/running etc that it all stops or d) I have a complete mood swing, the demon hides and I end up seeming to go in when I'm so normal and tame that it feels like its optional so I stop going or e) I have no sense of me so I think/feel/believe whatever the therapist says.

I know something is wrong. I know it. I can't keep slash and burning everyone and everything my whole life (of course, right now I'm saying to myself well no they just weren't right for you, he's boring, you don't love him you wanna go be suspended and shave your head and get branded and do drugs).

I just hope I can keep enough of the same vision to remember why I came here and to keep coming, not to change the song on the radio and suddenly be a whole different person

I'm losing it I swear, I just do not know what part of me is real anymore.

I know how u feel... And my heart goes out to you... The loneliness is the worst part of everything... I either push people away or keep them at arms length from
The beginning... One of my best friends told me a few months ago that I'm like two different people and she's never seen the side I keep hidden... She totally called me out and I Havnt been able to talk to her sense. I know the crazy person I keep locked inside my head keeps me believing that people don't see threw me... But I also know how broken I can look and seem is a dead give away to the outside world. I feel like a 13 yearold pre teen trapped inside a 28 year old shell. I was diagnosed 10 years ago and still can't find the carriage to seek help...
I don't have any advice for you or even offer my personal hope that things get better... But it is nice to know your not the only one with these problems... Your post was like reading my own... I actually thought yours WAS mine by the title... So if u need somebody to listen... I'm here for ya... Maybe we can let our monsters out for a play date while we try and talk like real adults...

Welcome FlightofSpirit,

Glad you found us. You know something is not right....and you've chosen to help yourself.......that to me is the most important step you can take. Have you seen a therapist yet? You sound motivated, and that is very important. There are many here who can certainly relate to what you've told us about your life. Having bpd can be a very scary thing....the constantly changing emotions, and the changing attitudes and behaviors that go with them. Hang around here and post wherever you feel comfortable.

dagwood

dear FlightOfSpirit
first of all, welcome onboard

even though i am not in the exact same situation as you, i can totally relate to what you share. Lots of us here can relate to you, dear.

do hope to see you more often here.