BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello everyone.

Call me Ravens. I'm a young woman training to become an educator. I came to this site because I know that I have some borderline tendencies and I am really suffering from them. To be more specific, I think my relationships (and my own health) are probably suffering from them. The most glaring offender in my life is a horrible sense of recklessness; a sort of "not caring while still caring" that somehow causes me to do things that are not thought out at all, trusting my innate flexibility and agility to somehow make them work in the end if I just apply enough moxy.

I tried to make a lane change today, trusting my "check the blind spot" to be functional AFTER starting the lane change. I almost crashed into a state trooper and got pulled over for it. It wasn't a typical "rock bottom" but it really got me thinking that I am out of control on some level. This is the fourth time I've been pulled over in as many years, always for reckless driving, entirely my fault. The first couple of times it was easy to tell myself "it's just bad luck, the cops are out to get people" but now it's pretty obvious that it's actually me.

This is just one example of a much broader range of problems, particularly with my best friend and roommate, who I seem to be fighting with about 30% of the time over things I don't even want to be fighting about. I feel totally out of control of my own anger and I don't feel like I have enough remorse for the hurtful things I do when angry. I am really hoping that this site will help me to focus, center, and nurture myself in a way that can eliminate some of these problems. I hope I can do this before they take a permanent toll on my life and career.

Thanks in advance for everyone's support!

Sincerely,
Ravens

Welcome RavensCongress....may I call you Ravens for "short?" in the future.

I can relate to your "recklessness".... although now I have that under control. For me it was at a time when I did not have a good understanding of bpd and didn't understand the conflicting emotions constantly causing internal conflict.
Do you have a therapist or are you on any meds. I used to have so much anxiety all the time that I really couldn't think straight much of the time, and I would allow things to boil over and then I would usually do something stupid like driving my car recklessly or losing control and telling somebody off.

dagwood

I can relate too. As for the fighting part, sometimes in the middle of an argument I will think, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or the person I was fighting with later on that day will recall something I said during a fight and I'm like, what the heck???. It is difficult.