dagwood wrote:
Welcome rumascarade,
Glad you're here. Are you currently in any therapy or on meds?
You've got friends here....we've all been through the bpd stuff....IMHO, the recovery process is ongoing. I still lapse at times and have a little bit of the dysfuctional thinking, but now I've got the skills necessary to overcome.
Relationships can be tricky for anyone, but I've found them to be particularly so while dealing with bpd.
dagwood
Hi
I'm actually in the process of going through the county to get approved for state covered therapy. Prior to this point I was on medications, but my Psychiatrist at the time refused to believe that I had anything but Bipolar disorder, anxiety, add and depression. He never asked me more than 2 questions and hurriedly scribbled on paper. I was on 150 mg zoloft, 1.5 mg clonopin, 45mg adderral and 30mg of Abilify - I did that regimin for a year and a half until I couldn't feel my mind anymore. I asked him one more time to take a 2nd look because the medication wasn't working and all I felt was numb. He didn't want to further the discussion, so I rebelled, stopped seeing him and quite all of my medication cold turkey - talk about a painful way to go - I just didn't want to feel like that anymore and I couldn't remember what I felt like before the medication so I thought it might be nice to feel what it felt like to be me for a while. The withdrawls were the worst experience in my life and lasted 8 weeks, then I started to come back to reality and I realized I didn't like either feeling; the normal me now had a nifty thing called memories and so I have had a lot of freak out moments since then - its been about 6 months since I stopped -- just at the end of December I thought I had hit a place in my mindset that I had never experienced before because it felt like every painful thing I could imagine was suffocating me and I felt alien as if I didn't belong and found myself in a pretty sad place, so I went to a place called Magellan and got an evaluation and the board of psychiatrists diagnosed me with BPD. It really made sense, however I'll be honest.. most people are interested in a diagnosis but I am not really very excited about it. The only thing it has done is validate my damage. Not trying to be negative, but I don't feel any better knowing. However, on a better note, I will start therapy soon. I have been to about 6 psychologists and most of them have referred me to other doctors because they didn't know what to do for me, a few of them I just stopped seeing after the 1st visit.
Regarding relationships, you are very right. Before I started my relationship I was on medication, and on medication when we met and for the whole 2 years, now I'm off of everything and the real me, with subject matter brighter than the sun in the sky, is dealing with whatever this is and projecting it onto him. He has done some research on BPD to understand, but I feel bad. He's a good guy tho, at least I have one thing going for me while I feel like I'm imploding into the atmosphere.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I either have nothing at all to say, or I babble on for days. I'm not one for social etiquette, so my apologies.
What you said was encouraging.. I can't wait to learn those skills to be able to overcome. Thank you.
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