Glad to have found the place.
My username is how I feel when someone asks me how I feel.
I don't have an answer, and it makes me sick. I feel anger, and sadness, but I do not know that is what I am feeling until days later. I have no reason to feel sad, and yet I do. I have a few reasons for anger, but generally I can make those mole hills into mountains in the blink of an eye. I have blind-sided EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW with at least one attack of unwarranted anger. I have no clue where it comes from. Mostly, I just don't understand how I can be so completely numb to my feelings, and then have these sneak attacks of anger jump right out of me from seemingly nowhere. I do have a BPD diagnosis. I used to be high-functioning, now I appear to be low-functioning. I cannot hold a job, but in being home all the time, my symptoms manifest less severely. Catch-22. Working makes me feel useful and worthy, but it also adds a level of stress that triggers BPD episodes. I have not found a happy middle ground yet. I also seem to have a real problem retreating into a fanstasy-like world sometimes. It has it's benefits, but when it becomes the place I want to be all the time, it's troublesome in that I begin neglecting my duties to home and family. Again, no happy middle ground there, either.
I came here because I want to help myself. I have always known that even though I feel like a child, I am an adult and that it is my responsibility to secure help for myself. So here I am.
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