Hi there,
I'm Rose. Technically I have BPD, Chronic PTSD, OCD that helps me with the PTSD, SAD and General depression. That's a lot of labels, and they're basically meaningless.
What matters to me is fixing the pain I fell all the time, and being able to feel emotions correctly again - oh, and not self-sabotaging myself whenever I get a great job.
By feeling things correctly, I mean, that I used to feel such empathy, all the time, and for a good five years or more now, I just generally feel a sense of sad apathy.
So... On the tools for Genuine Self, I know all the answers to those questions, and I think that I know my genuine self. But... I can't seem to separate it from my Irrational Mirrored Self (I just made that up).
So, for example, Politics. I believe that the government should step in to help each person to get their basic needs taken care of, as easily as possible - but I also believe that there are too many stupid laws that shouldn't be laws at all - that the government takes on too much, etc., etc. (Like how in some areas, all new houses have to share a certain look, or material - or how often a lawn needs to be mowed. How silly.) So, because I can answer all these questions, and because I know my genuine self, well, then I shouldn't have BPD right?
Ok, so that is a genuine self's thoughts, and again, I'm able to answer all the questions genuinely. But... my false Rose doesn't feel false, but she (I) thinks that I am the worst, ugliest, most untalented, chubbiest, laziest creature in the world. I get stressed too easily, and blow up at others when my stress level gets too high. And although it bothers me that I do that, my inner feelings are just so sad, and it's like I shouldn't be surprised that I'd do something so wrong or messed up.
Do you know what I'm saying here? And... every year my suicidal tendencies get worse and worse. They're still just thoughts, and I don't hurt myself (my procrastination works in my favor through these bad times). Anyway, it's the absolute hatred of myself that I don't know how to get past. On the outside, people see me as pretty, kind, and smart - but I don't see those things, and rarely even feel complimented when someone does say them.
Weird, huh? Thanks for being welcoming.
Rose
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