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Hi everybody, I've been sitting here for like 5 minutes now thinking what to say and how to introduce myself without over-sharing, and by over-sharing I realized I meant admitting that I am not well. It's something I have always kept to myself, I don't want anyone to know how incredibly messed up I can be, but I guess if I'm to reach out to any of you.. know what? I'm just gonna go with it.

My name is Charlotte. I'm 21 and I have been dealing with mental illness since a very young age. I'm really tired of being alone. Like I'm sure a lot of you have felt before, I feel like I'll be alone forever. Apart from depression/anxiety/BPD, before I stopped going, my psychiatrist suspected body dysmorphic disorder. The way I feel about the way I look is destroying me. I want to get out and meet new people, be able to go on dates like normal people, be able to have a relationship, but I hate myself too much. People tell me I'm beautiful but in my mind when I hear that I kind of just tell myself that people are just trying to be nice to the ugly girl. Right now I weigh 126 pounds which I know is not a lot but on my 5'2 frame I just feel huge. I'm so ashamed of looking this way. I hate when people look at me.

I take medications. They do take the edge off and sometimes I feel alright and I feel happy on a sunny day and look forward to doing things with friends. But most of the time I just feel blank. I'm not sad but I don't really feel anything, I'll go out and do things, but I don't have the time of my life by any means. They also make me clench my jaw constantly and yawn literally about every 4 seconds which is really hard to deal with since my eyes water when I yawn. Every now and then I just feel this compulsion to stop taking them. And I stop for weeks at a time until I have one big huge breakdown. I know this is how it will end every time I stop taking them. I have been back on them for 4 days now and am trying to rid myself of the paranoid, suspicious self I become without the drugs.

It's really tough, having absolutely no one to talk to who understands what the illness actually is and why things happen the way they do. My two best friends know I'm messed up but if i asked them I'm sure they would not be able to name it. I have told them before exactly what I have but I think they've just lumped everything under the 'depression' category and think I'm just sad sometimes. Which is really frustrating, knowing that even the people who know you the best really have absolutely no idea what goes on in my head on a day to day basis.

Anyway I've written a novel and I don't want people to open the thread and say 'ah screw that, way too much reading'. At least I've scratched the surface and I hope from this I will feel less alone, I already do a bit from reading other people's posts of similar feelings. So that's my two-faced self in a nutshell.. here's to tomorrow being a better day.

hey there charlotte,
welcome onboard

i'm angela, aged 29, from malaysia. WAs diagnoased with bpd two years ago.

well, life with bpd is tough.

medications? can't do without them, can't do with them. Yup i yawn a lot too with my medications, but i can't do without them at the moment. They balance out my mood swings and help me deal with the depression.

I honestly dont' think it's wise to take yourself off medication without professional advice.

ARe you going through any kind of therapy? HOpe to hear from you soon!

best regards,
angela