BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Welcome Candybars,

I'm so sorry you're going through this turmoil.
Is there any kind of crisis center or hospital where you could seek help?

I well understand the struggle with alcohol as I'm a recovering alcoholic. Struggling with substance abuse is very difficult, and a struggle you'll have the rest of your life IMO.... I don't believe that anybody can say "recovered" and I believe "recovering" is the operative word. I've had several relapses, but I realized that I had to get and stay sober....first of all for myself, but to preserve my relationship with the most important person in my life. You have to have supportive people in your environment.

I'm glad you've found this site

dagwood

Hi there......

While my addiction and bi-polar play a huge role in how I am hard-wired....it is the impulsivity and emotional deregulation that wreaks the most havoc in my life. I was in a 10 year relationship that brought about a break up/reconciliation every 6 months.....I would get angry......that emotion would overwhelm me and I would be "done" with the relationship and leave our home. Then- a week or two later (and then it became 2 months and 5 months later...), I would begin to grieve the relationship...and go back.

During some of our arguments, I would find myself "escalate" .....feeling so overwhelmed that I would throw myself down a flight of stairs, bang my head against the headboard...or send text messages threatening to hurt myself.

I am having these kinds of fears now with regard to this estrangement with my ex-husband and my kids. I am trying very hard to also not act out in ways that have become habitual for me. I was shoplifting on a daily basis....for a good 3 years or so. Only caught once and just fined. I believe this is anger/loss related. I have not taken anything in almost a month- a huge move in the more honest direction.

I am very anxious now being/living alone. My fears of abandonment are there but I am trying to remind myself that no one has abandoned me.

This can be so hard- but ODAT right?

Everything in life takes practice.

Sometimes that means refraining from sending inappropriate texts, not going back to our exes, not shop lifting, not using drugs. Once it becomes habit like you said, it is hard to just kick it completely. The bright side to that truth is that with practice, things -do- become easier, and we do get closer to the person we want to be.

I empathize with you being afraid of living alone. I lived alone the past couple of years, and it was very difficult to get myself out of my room... as much as I -liked- the privacy, in a way, it made my condition worse, because I allowed my living conditions to slip without anyone knowing.

Maybe make a point to do something simple, like go get a coffee one day, or even write or draw at the shop if that's something you enjoy. Go to a trivia night, the gym, or a movie, etc. Anything to break you out of the shell a bit.