BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hey guys...
How are you all doing? Hopefully you're winning more battles with your BPD than I am..
Oh man...I have to admit that I am really struggling with my BPD at the moment. I guess it's not surprising really -- over the past few days my life has undergone some major changes. For one thing my family are set to move to China in July. And then, yesterday, the man I am in love with broke off his relationship with me because I refused to cut my male friends out my life...
Then, last but not least, my ex boyfriend from over 2 years ago has started calling and asking me to marry him. So basically it's all upheaval and emotional chaos. And as a result my BPD has spiraled out of control. I am at once desperately yearning for closeness and affection, and yet at the same time I want to shut myself away from the world and just hibernate until the madness dies down. I feel so numb and hopeless and irrational right now. I have no idea which way to turn. I am suffering from overwhelming feelings of abandonment and also claustrophobia; totally conflicting emotions.
Help me...
Any words of advice or support would be so greatly appreciated right now...
thank you. take care.
Yara

Hi Yara. I'm sorry to hear that your external circumstances are causing you so much internal stress. It definitely sounds like there is quite a bit of change going on for you........and at least for me with my BPD, change was once my 'enemy'. I've learned to embrace change now, but at one point (and for most of my life) the kind of changes you are describing would have had me spinning my wheels. So I feel ya.

A wise man once told me "never make any major decisions when your life is in emotional chaos". I try to live by those words and it has helped me immeasurably to get through the tough times.

Kudos to you also for standing firm in your decision to not 'cut male friends' out of your life. You are an adult and have the capability to choose your own friends. I'm going to assume from your post that these male friends were just that--friends-- and that you have never given your (recent) ex reason to doubt your loyalty. This is what a boundary is-- what you will or will not do. It's good to know your boundaries!

As for the other ex.......have you spoken to him in the intervening two years? Is this out of the blue? If it were me, I would take things very, very, very, very slowly with that. If you do want to see him and maybe even date him-- go for it, but know that you are (naturally) going to still be rebounding from the other recent ex and that you are (quite naturally) a bit disconcerted about your family moving. Talking about marriage if you two have not been hanging out or regularly talking is a little fast, is it not? Would you have wanted to see him if you hadn't just broken up with someone else? Have you missed him? Why did you two break up in the first place and are those factors still in play? Answering these questions for yourself might serve to help you make a more informed decision based on fact rather than emotion.

Also.....remember that you do not have to react emotionally to the ex's. Using HALT can help. I'm sure it's going to be difficult, but allowing your own emotions to be dictated by the whims/decisions of others.......well, I just don't see how that helps you. For me, I try to look at a difficult situation while leaving out emotion. It's difficult but it allows me to make more sound decisions. I know it's my job to take care of me; I'm the only one responsible for my own actions/reactions and behaviours. Just as you are responsible for yours, BPD or not.

I would work to steady my emotions (through the use of the Tool Box and mindfulness/meditation) as much as I could and try not to worry about the men just yet. Once you have calmed the emotional chaos, I believe it will be easier to make rational decisions about the future. Really, if it were me, I would work the most on handling my family moving to China-- that would be very difficult for me by itself (I'm family oriented!). And I would probably try to use as many self-care techniques I could-- bubble baths or shopping, eating healthily, maybe even getting a new haircut and absolutely finding a way to burn off some of that emotional energy by exercise (I use running-- it really helps me!).

I highly recommend looking at the 10 forms of twisted thinking tool and, once you have identified any twists, going on to untwist. Also, the separation of stuff tool has been extremely valuable to me in sorting out what's what. Once you figure out exactly what you need to deal with first, using the five steps to solve a dilemma works for me.

I hope some of this post helps you. At the very least, please know that you are heard. I wish you well and I'm sure that you can get through all of this with flying colors-- one small step at a time!

Hi Harmonium..

Thank you so much for your reply, I really sincerely appreciate it. Thanks too for your advice -- it's exactly what I needed to hear. I will do as you say, and really try to examine my twisted ways of thinking and then work out how to untwist them. Also, if I even consider my old ex's proposal of marriage, I am going to take it incredibly slowly...we haven't talked much in the past year or so, so this proposal is very much out of the blue and it's "knocked me for six" as the saying goes. I definitely need to examine my feelings towards him; because I think if I look long and hard at them I will realize that I don't actually love him. I just got so accustomed to depending on him for the 4 years we were together and it would be so easy to slip back into that pattern; but I absolutely mustn't cos it wasn't healthy then and it wouldn't be any healthier now.

As for my most recent ex...yeah, thats a tough one. I must admit I nearly caved in today and called him and said I would consider giving up my friends for him. But that was just a moment of weakness and I quickly pushed it aside. I would never stop seeing people who mean so much to me and I wish he had never asked me to, especially as they really are just my good male friends, and not people I have ever been with sexually (or ever would). If only he could have just trusted me.

But anyway...what's done is done, I guess. I really do feel so numb and hollow right now though...I feel like my emotions are anesthetized and it's really bothering me. I want to be able to cry or scream or feel angry, or something...anything...but inside my chest there is just emptiness. I feel like there is no point to anything, and at some moments I want to just go to sleep and not wake up. I hate feeling this way.

Aaahhh...anyway...I mustn't give in to these feelings. I have to try to shake it off and work through this.
Thank you so much again for your reply, it was so helpful. I am very grateful to you. *hugs*

Yara.

*hugs* right back at ya!

You WILL get through this, even though it's tough. I think it's a great idea to just be with your feelings (when you stop being numb that is, lol) for awhile and remember-- we are here if you need us!

I totally agree with what Harmonium has written to you, but I just want to add a second voice to the bit about not giving up your male friends. It's painful and sad that your decision to be firm about that has led to a break-up, but then I'm thinking that maybe that's a good thing. Partners in a relationship who insist on controlling who the other may or may not be friends with can often end up being too controlling about other aspects of their life, and it's also considered a trait of someone who will ultimately be abusive, though I'm not saying that your ex would necessarily have been so. Still, it's something to be aware of and look out for. And ultimately you want to find someone who will build a relationship based on mutual trust and not control.

As for the other ex with the marriage proposal, if your relationship with him was unhealthy before, it probably will be again unless you both have made some major changes. If you don't think that's the case, be very careful about renewing something serious with him. You have enough on your plate right now and don't need to be dragged further down by another toxic relationship.

In any event, take life one day at a time, using the Tools to check and balance your thinking and actions. When I get stressed out, I tend to get into a lot of "if only" and "what if" thinking, trying to somehow rewrite my past and foretell my future, and neither is healthy or productive. Do the best that you can do, from one moment to the next -- that's all you can ask of yourself.

Thank you Sari. You're right of course, about both of my ex's, and your other advice in general as well. I noticed other controlling traits of my most recent ex; he always wanted to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. And he kept trying to tell me what to do, but then if I got a little upset about it he would say he was just 'trying to help'. How trying to get to me to change my hair and my makeup is helping, I am not sure.

As for my old ex from the past...yes you are right about that too. It would be another toxic relationship; just a repeat of the old one. For that reason I am going to reject his proposal, as nicely as possible.

Regarding the rest of it...yes, one day at a time I guess is the best policy. I am hoping my feelings and my zest for life will return soon...in the meantime I will use all the tools this website has given. I am so happy I found this site, it has helped so much, and I really value the communication with all of you guys too. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.