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I just realized today that I have abused my partner in many a way during our chaotic relationship and I seriously had no clue that what I was doing was actually, legitimate domestic violence. I'm shocked with what I have read and how it applies to me or how I can identify with it.
I would like to know, how can you apologize or make right something so hurtful and serious as domestic abuse? I really do wish to make what I've done wrong right but it's so serious that simply saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.

Is domestic abuse as common in BPD relationships as it seems to me right now?
How can you make it right? How do you apologize for being an abusive, lying and manipulative person? I really love him, I really do want to make things right...but right now I just don't even know how I could even apologize or how I should do it! I honestly had no clue that what I'd been doing was domestic violence...and now I just want to take it all back but I can't. He's willing to give me a chance, so how could I start making this better? I should start with an apology...but how the hell do you apologize for this?

As you can tell, I'm utterly confused and affected by this realization.
Maybe I just needed to vent a little. Replies would be so much appreciated though.

My thought is, apologies are for the other person, the one you are apologizing too. Sometimes, an apology isn't what's needed. It's not an automatic, I did something wrong that was unfair/unkind/hurtful to someone, so I apologize. Usually apologizing is good. But not always. And making amends is often more important than the apology.

As far as apologies, a good apology takes responsibility for what was done. And (with personal apologies) we apologize for what we personally did. And you can recognize how if affected them too, but "I'm sorry you were hurt" is not an apology.

I agree that taking responsibility for your past actions is a good idea. Something like "I apologize for xyz. I know that I have hurt you in the past and I am working so that it does not happen again. I didn't realize how harmful to you my behaviors were, but I do now and I want it to stop." But I say that with a caveat-- don't expect anything in return. Sometimes people apologize simply to be forgiven. IMHO, an apology is just so that you (or whoever is apologizing) can own up to their mistakes, not as a manipulative way to get forgiven. So, I would go into an apology about this sort of thing with absolutely no expectations of my partner-- just saying what I feel I need to say would be a great start.

Forgiveness may come, or it may not. Either way, I believe you will feel better about yourself if you discontinue any behavior(s) that are not in line with your Authentic Self. Sounds to me like abuse of any kind is not in line with who you want to be.

In other words, just say what you are regretful about. Own it. Then change the behavior because to me, an apology is worthless unless the offending behavior stops.

So....I guess I would have a plan in place before I apologized so that I didn't reoffend. What's your plan for stopping the 'abusive' behavior?

In my mind, actions speak much louder than words. If you do not feel an apology is 'enough' or will help-- apologize instead with your actions. Don't repeat the same mistakes. Sounds easier than it is, but it can be done, especially when motivated by the thought that you don't want to 'abuse' anyone anymore. Think before you act and act with intention.

Thank you all for the things you wrote. I have struggled with this question myself, and though I have said the words, my motivation was all wrong. Now I can go back, do it to own up, to take responsibility, and then make sure I am working for changes that will prevent it from continuing.

For me personally, the most true / genuine apology comes with the consistency of actions demonstrating that apology. If you tell me "It won't happen again" but continues to happen, I learn your words are meaningless. If you tell me "I'm sorry, I had no idea, I know now" and show me that you're actively aware of the tendencies & are working to change them, that means the world to me.