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When i look back at my life, theres one or two things i really regret, mostly to do with letting people down, not standing up for them when they needed me and so on.

My whole family was a bit weird growing up. Me and my sister were bullied at school and by kids in our neighbourhood, of course, but my parents were also victimised by gangs and our house targetted and so on.

One thing that will always stay with me is that a gang of teenaged girls once tried to push me and my sister infront of a bus in order to goad my Mum, who was taking us home from a shopping trip. My Mum pulled my sister back and turned to confront the girls, causing them to start laying into her.

My Mum shouted at me to take my sister home and so I grabbed her hand and ran away, leaving my Mum to be beaten up in the street. That is my bad thing: the thing i most regret. Running away.

I remember either just before this or just after I was given a book to read which was a collection of short stories about racism. One of them was about a white kid who's black friend is attacked by racists. He runs away like I did and afterwards their friendship is not the same.

This was the first time it had ever occured to me that love and friendship was conditional and that you could do something to mess up a friendship. It affected me deeply and I expected that the same would happen with my Mum, she wouldn't want me anymore and there would be coldness between us.

I did all sorts or ridiculous things to act out after that, slept with adult men who were losers, tried to get myself put into care, left home young. All of these things are far, far worse than the origional "bad thing" which maybe doesn't qualify as a bad thing at all.

So ironic that I would cause so much actual pain and worry, all motivated by guilt at something that was not a problem at all. Maybe this is the very essence of bpd.

What do you reckon

I think you hit the nail on the head.

I can hear the pain of those experiences in your post. I am so sorry for that constellation of events. I can relate.

Oh Surreal thank you
This was all so long ago but I really do feel like a terrible person about it still. These days I ALWAYS intervene if I see someone being bullied or attacked. I know the shame of walking away and I never want to feel that way again.
All that remains is to apologise for the genuine bad behaviour and acting out. I'm sure my family would love to hear an apology and an explanation (but not an excuse).
I still feel too much shame and embarresment to go there though.