BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Well it had to happen...............apparently my boyfriend has ended our relationship for the approximately 6th time in a year. I'm in a confused state as normal. Has it ended?? or has he gone off for a rest to regroup again. I know he can't help his black and white thinking. It's definitely all or nothing. We can cool it off, put it on a back burner or just be friends. It's leave meeeeeeeeeeeee alone!!!!!!!! Until his mood lifts of course......or is it fibal this time??!!

Help please.............

AlwaysHopeful2,

Sounds to me like you need to really evaluate your relationship with this man. Seems like your putting yourself through an awful lot of angst, so you'd better be sure you are really committed to him and your life with him. Is he in any kind of therapy or on meds?

dagwood

Nope.......................no meds or therapy. He buries his head in the sand. He's tormented daily. He loves me and knows I'm kind and genuine but that just makes it worse. He tries to "set me free" from all this pain. I'm committed, I have made an informed choice to stay and accept him. He feels he doesn't deserve this and will let me down, or I'll leave eventually anyway (I think). It's so complex and exhausting.

Yep, I can relate to his not feeling like he deserves something good. I felt like I didn't deserve having anything good in my life....like the wonderful man I had then and still have. I think I was maybe punishing myself for not being the kind of person I wished I'd have been.....mainly, a NORMAL one. It took me a long time for me to really believe that my bf really did love and care about me. I got to the point in my recovery where I could let myself believe it....and that was not so easy either....but I've done it.

I hope that your guy can get some help eventually. I think you must be an amazingly giving and caring person to hang in with him.....he is very fortunate.

dagwood

If only he could accept my love...

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but what we bpd people tend to do is push people away so we can try to avoid being hurt. In the process, most people give up and leave, which only reinforces our fears and beliefs. The older we get, the more cycles we have gone through, and the more difficult it is to get past our "twisted" thinking because not only are we stuck in "black and white world," we can honestly give numerous examples from our lives where we have been "proven" right. That is why I so firmly believe that the younger people start battling this disease, the more successful they will be at overcoming its symptoms.

If you are truly firmly committed to staying in the relationship, then stick to your guns. It will take literally constant reassurance and reaffirmation from you, possibly for several YEARS, before he gets it through his head that you mean it. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth and I think it is best to be honest so you will know what to expect. Say the things that you said here to him over and over and over - that you are making a conscious, informed CHOICE to stay with him and accept him, that you love him, that you want to be there for him and with him over the long-term.

The times when he needs to hear this the most are precisely the times when you may have the most difficulty saying it (like when you are fighting), so it is ok to scream it at him if you need to. :-) That way if his head is buried in the sand, he might still hear you. He might not get it, but keep telling him until he does. Over and over and over. Seriously. You have no idea how strong an impact just hearing those words might have on your relationship.

Yes, it is so complex and exhausting and frustrating and a hundred other things. Hey, it is very important that you take care of yourself, also. Don't let your own self esteem get depleted. Eat well, sleep enough, and stay positive - we're here and hopefully you have some other friends (like maybe at your church) to support you.

~ Christina

Thanks Christina

I'm fully aware of this. I am definitely in it for the long haul. It is an informed choice. I realise I have to stop "reacting" to his down days and panic reactions. It's a steep learning curve.

AlwaysHopeful2

i want you to know that we're hanging in there with you too ya anytime you need to talk, just come to this board, we'll be here for you

:-D Thank you !!

I know I'm a little late, but (((((hugs)))) for AlwaysHopeful2.

3....2.....1......and he's back in the room

AlwaysHopeful2,

If you have broken up for the sixth time in as many years, I think that's a sign you aren't meant to be together. That may be difficult to swallow, but if you think about it in the long run, it's not a stable or healthy relationship. I don't know if you're thinking about marriage or not, but these hiccups you encounter could really test - if not ruin - your marriage. This might be a sign to move forward with your life. Hope you find some guidance!

The thing is they are not really break ups. He seeks solitude and returns usually within a week. It is when he is stressed and unable to cope with life full stop. He is who he is. This is him. I accept him. I am informed and have made a choice to stay. Leaving the man I love and am committed to would only reinforce and compound his underlying fear of abandonment.

How long do you think you can continue to stay in a relationship that is so unstable? He is the only one who can control his behavior. He needs to get into therapy and do the work needed.....you cannot do it for him. You can be there to support him, but to also let him know what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Perhaps some therapy for yourself could help you better understand your situation better.

dagwood

Absolutely. I can't save him. I just support and make healthy boundaries to protect myself. I would like him to comit to therapy but that's his choice

If they are not really "break ups" than it seems your relationship may be in - or headed in - an undefined realm, as if decisions and feelings are only formalities. If you want this relationship to last, you're going to need to define it, otherwise you might continue on again off again path that isn't healthy.

Sounds good!!!! But how??? I'm new at all this :-/

AlwaysHopeful2: “He loves me and knows I'm kind and genuine but that just makes it worse. He tries to "set me free" from all this pain. I'm committed, I have made an informed choice to stay and accept him. He feels he doesn't deserve this and will let me down, or I'll leave eventually anyway (I think). It's so complex and exhausting.”

Again, I’m new to the board but find this so fascinating I can’t stop reading, thinking, or commenting. I’m in love with a woman who surely has BPD. We’ve not discussed it, but have been through the peripheral drama. AlwaysHopeful2’s description above mirrors what my GF has described to me. Each time I hear it I’m devastated by her sincerity and hopelessness. But it seems to pull me closer. Sharing something as tragic as this with anyone seems nearly the ultimate in intimacy. Or, I’m really mixed up, too.

It appears my accepting her outbursts and accusations is slowly assuring her I’m really here, really love her - and am not going away that easy. But it’s not been ‘easy.’ Is it impossible to replace what’s missing, to expect ‘them’ to trust us?

Dagwood: “I felt like I didn't deserve having anything good in my life....like the wonderful man I had then and still have. I think I was maybe punishing myself for not being the kind of person I wished I'd have been.....mainly, a NORMAL one.”

Thank you.. as mentioned, this insight is invaluable in understanding the thought process that’s confused me for well over a year… It’s incredible how similar it is. A child of the 60’s and not the ‘internet,’ what a wonderful resource this is! As you might expect, it’s near impossible for me to understand the root of such fears. But just knowing they’re shared and experienced by so many makes them, in a strange way, legitimate. Again, thank you; you’re helping more than just those on the ‘inside.’

Christina: “I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but what we bpd people tend to do is push people away so we can try to avoid being hurt. In the process, most people give up and leave, which only reinforces our fears and beliefs. The older we get, the more cycles we have gone through, and the more difficult it is to get past our "twisted" thinking because not only are we stuck in "black and white world," we can honestly give numerous examples from our lives where we have been "proven" right.”

Well, the good thing for my love is I’ve never been “most people!” In fact, she often states that she’s ‘never known anyone like me.’ I’m not sure what that means in the BP spectrum, but I take it as complementary.

I’m hoping my mate has evolved, and continues to. As we talked on the phone this evening she listed as one of her recent stresses the ‘fact’ she thought she’d “lost me” last week. Had I been unaware of her condition, as I have been until a couple of months ago, perhaps she would have. I told her to stop worrying about that - and that I’d let her know if I reach that point.

Personality disorders are much like a successful virus; they don’t kill their host. If they did, they’d die out. Instead, they allow them to function just enough to keep it alive. Let’s hope our new found collective mind (much more powerful than any network of libraries), the internet, will allow us to identify them, understand them, and control them.

Thank you all for sharing – you’ve plenty of worth and talent – believe me ~

How do I define it and how do I show him his behaviour is sometimes unacceptable??!! I need help and support here please. I do accept him and love him. I also need clear boundries but how do I go about it without making things worse??

perhaps, just perhaps you could try this:

When you do XXXXXXXXXX (state his behaviour), it hurts me and makes me feel like you don't really care about my feelings.

Try to make him understand that his actions actually hurt you. Borderlines are known to be most empthatetic if given a second chance.