BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hey all, me again.It's been a while since I was last here (anyone remember me? tis ok if you dont). Ive been busy with...well, i dunno, Ive just been busy. I'm still unemployed, but im starting school in a couple weeks (trade school) and am looking around for a part-time job cos I dont want to rely on potentially unreliable unemployment payments anymore. Anyhooo..on with what I wanted to discuss here:

I was reading over the section on the website about seperation, seperating THEIR stuff from MY stuff, and part of it mentioned inconsiderate people in the grocery store, and I really hadn't thought of this as a BPD thing, the way I almost ALWAYS come home from the store totally pissed off and irritated at the inconsiderate, oblivious, ignorant people that I encountered there. I mean people in general that I see out there, the mass public, really piss me off more than I'd like.

I really didn't think of it as me projecting my own insecurities or social deficits onto these other people, I mostly just thought of it as me asking that eternal question "why must people be like that??!!" "what's wrong with them??!!"

Now I can understand how the diagram shows healthy relationships with people as being having just part of us and them combined, however I don't see how this would apply to my problem in the grocery store. I can see it with regards to personal relationships, tho. But while out in public, do I really need to combine ANY of myself with them and they with me? Or maybe I'm totally seperating the two, them and myself, but I think one needs to do this if they intend to get anything accomplished while out in public like that.

And yet, by doing this it removes any possiblity of understanding, communication, civility and a lower blood pressure/reduced stress on myself. So I guess what I'm wondering is how do we use this model of seperation while out in public with the masses in a way that we can avoid the anger, the frustration and the thoughts of not so effective behavior (like smacking them upside the head to get them to quit being so oblivious)?

Ok , yeh I'm a perfectionist and I truly do not understand why others cannot hold themselves to the same standards that I do, BUT I still don't know how to prevent myself from getting totally pissed when I get home from the store (and don't even get me started on other drivers!)


Thx.

what about their behavior irritates you?

many are ignorant, rude, etc, but why does their traits BUG you to the point you feel something?

"""".....that we can avoid the anger, the frustration and the thoughts of not so effective behavior (like smacking them upside the head to get them to quit being so oblivious)?"""" exactly how would that help you? how does their stuff hinder you?

i have times i wanna smack someone. oh hell yes. but i want to do it so they will shut up, usually. instead, i can walk away and not listen....and let them ramble on. i dont have to own their own personality. by smacking them, i would be owning their own stuff.

Laura,
This is all my opinion -
For me I always try to remember that everyone is doing the best they can with their own lives given the experiences that they have had. I try to realize that we are all fundamentaly the same. We all experience pain, happiness, suffering, love... I try to imagine what a person might be experiencing in their lives that might make them be inconsiderate or rude or whatever. I figure the more irritating a person is, the greater the pain or suffering or anxiety they are trying to cover up! How difficult it must be for some to live their life being arrogant or controlling or whatever!

Driving is a tough one for a lot of people, but I am guessing that we have all had times when we were running really late that we drove inconsideratly, or were just out for a leisurly drive and weren't following the 5 over rule, accidentaly pulled out in front of someone, found ourselves in the wrong lane at a very inoppertune time, or when we just aren't familliar with where we are driving! I try to imagine that these other drivers might be going through some of the same experiences that I have. Not everyone that causes my frustration is doing it intentionally.

This doesn't always work but it can really help for me. It can almost become like an anthropological experiment wondering what people might be going through to make them act so strangely!

So I guess the point is that everyone isn't doing their stuff to you, that is just the way they are.
It can be difficult in public because we are so impacted by each other.
A quote from somewhere goes something like, " when you allow youself to be impacted by someone else's weakness' you are giving their weakness power". The idea there is that we are able to chose whether or not we will allow ourselves to be affected by "other people's stuff"
Hope this helps.

Depends on the person as to why they are an annoying to you and/or to many. I don't find that very often in public for me. I'm the type of person that is so busy looking at things I can buy in the grocery store, I barely see what another is doing, only to maneuver myself around them and to be polite. I find that if I focus on people when I'm out and about, I can find plenty of annoying actions, but if I focus on the nice surroundings I am in (good weather, pleasantness, things I can buy, food I can eat, recipes, etc.), that I will get home with the groceries and not a negative thought. I see driving like I would a video game. If a person makes a Really bad move, I get a bit po'd, but generally I just see the cars as objects I weave through and drive around, without much thought as to who's behind the wheel, or what their driving skill is.

I think it's really about the way I think about it or what I choose to ignore and focus on more than it is about what people choose to do or be. I try to find the pleasurable things about driving or grocery shopping, and only focus on those.

I agree with others that in that case, I need to remind myself that people are hardly ever being stupid just to annoy me. That me getting all upset because of the driver in front of me is going 12 miles an hour has no impact on their life (maybe a tiny bit if I flip them the bird.) but can ruin my day if I let it.

Hey all, you all make valid points here, one's that I do try to keep in mind, and I when I feel myself starting to get irate at people I reapeat these words to myself "temper with tolerance".

And yet lately even that doesn't seem to help. I guess with all that I have going on in my life right now, my stress level is already way up there and all it takes to send it skyrocketing is some little thing someone does.

And it's hard to bring that stress level back down.

But yes, you're all right in that I am taking on way to much of their stuff and making it my own, and I understand how this process can happen in my life such as it is. But one point I want to make here is that there are some people who's actions DO directly impact MY life, people that I am relying on to do their jobs right and answer my questions with some ounce of intelligence and knowledge of the facts, and yet with these people they are anything but that, unreliable and telling me what are mearly guesses, and not the facts at all.

It's these people that yes, I am finding it REALLY hard to seperate myself from and "temper myself with tolerance".

I understand, Laura. I go through some very trying times with the same. People can be a pain-in-the-ass. But I find if I stop focusing on their issues and find some things to focus on that I enjoy, that is really the answer for me. I can't change the world (unfortunately), but I can change how I view the world. I see the bad, but sometimes for me it takes putting on a pair of horseblinders temporarily to get through the day.