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I haven't had a t session for over 4 months, but I've seen my t occasionally, when she's just herself. I realize more than ever that there is no way she could have satisfied my unmet needs from infancy and childhood. It seems incredible to me now that I would even think such a thing.

However, the therapeutic relationship always makes me desperate to get those needs met. It seems like I am fooled into believing that my t will be able to love me the way I want. But now I know that can't ever happen.

When I think how intensely I felt about my t, and how much I fought to try to get her to satisfy me, it makes me realize that I really did miss out on something major during my early years. I've posted about my being a preemie, but never internalized the extent of what I must have missed. A former t told me that I wouldn't have such intense needs if something hadn't gone very wrong in my early life.

That realization is scary for me, to think that I had 2 loving parents, yet something was amiss, or to think that preemies are subject to developing BPD.

I think of the way I've acted with most of my Ts, and it's basically the same way. My t was correct when she said I wanted her to "fill me up." I acted crazy with my addictive behavior towards her, but I couldn't help myself.

Now I know that I will always be susceptible to those intense cravings and needs, but I will never expect any therapist or anyone else to be able to fulfill those needs. It was never my t who I wanted; it was someone else. I guess my mother. But, I never thought my mother was lacking in her love for me, so what I miss is something I never had, so I really don't know what it is. But it's something crucial, or I wouldn't have acted the way I did with my t.

Maybe all this has been obvious to those who followed by t-attachment threads. I knew it too, but it's becoming clearer now that I see my t as a regular person, and not as my t. I want to see her for a "check-in" session at some time, but I know that it's not her I want anymore. Sorry if this post is rambling.

I think this is a pretty big self-discovery. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts here too. I do recall the attachment threads you have had in the past. What I find amazing, in some circumstances, is that when we step back and look at things from another perspective, we learn more about the situation and ourselves. The saying that hindsight is 20/20 is so true.

It's great that you are in a space to see things more clearly now. Thanks for sharing your recent insights.

I think you've done a tremendous job with this work, ((Wondering)).


I was looking at this part of what you wrote and wondered if you saw any of the ten twisties that might apply to it.

What do you think?

Most fondly,

Candle

Thanks, Nik, Amanda, and Candle. I don't see anything twisted in what I wrote, Candle. Let me try to clarify what I wrote, as it came from therapists, not from me.

1. My mother loved me. Fact. (You could dispute this, but I kinow 100% she did!)

2. I don't know exactly what I missed. Fact.

3. My ts told me that I missed something crucial as an infant/early child or I wouldn't have the needs I've had and acted the way I did with all of my ts. Fact. (I guess I could dispute their knowledge but I've read enough to take it as fact).

So, am I missing the twistedness here? I'd really like to know. Thanks, Candle or anyone.

Wondering,

My only thoughts would be along the lines of ...

Your mother loves you now. Your mother is capable of demonstrating that love to you now. And she may have been capable of demonstrating that love throughout all of your memories. But there may have been something that happened prior to your earliest memories, maybe even things she herself forgot about or blocked out.

It may have been as "simple" as being premature and being put into NICU and not having close human contact for the first 24 hrs or however long.

It's possible that some tiny window of opportunity was missed that seemed inconsequential or was unavoidable that set the stage for your later years. Even with all the pieces in place for 99.99% of your life, it may be that 0.01% that's caused so much upset for you.

The other thing that comes to mind is that perhaps there's something that happens in uetero during the last moments of gestation that you "missed out on" simply by being born ahead of schedule. Maybe there's something associated with amniotic fluid, darkness, not breathing air, etc. that priovides some level of imprint in the brain chemistry that says "you are complete within yourself" that you missed out on somehow some-way.

Thank you, Ash. You made excellent points.

Great post Wondering. I myself was a preemie too. I was in an incubator for 2 weeks. I have no idea who held me, for how long, etc. But I never felt I was missing something in that regard. But we are all different.

However, when you write that you are looking for something you missed, it hit a chord with me. I know for me, I believe that what I have been looking for all my life is for someone to UNDERSTAND ME. To validate my feelings. To accept me as how I exactly am.

I heard a lot of negative talk during my childhood. "Why can't you be like Cousin Susie? She is (insert here) so good in school.....plays an instrument....acts like a lady.....knows how to dance."

After years of this, you can get really worn down. You internalize that you are not good enough the way you are. And all you want is someone to understand you. And not judge you.

I'm not saying this is what you crave, but could it be a possibility? Someone who just understands Wondering and what she wants and needs? I know that is what I have been looking for all my life.

I'm not going to focus on the what you missed part of the post, I want to congratulate you on all the work you did that paid off so that know you can see your former T as a person, not a solution to meet those needs.

((wondering)) you have come so far and grown so much!

i think your question, while i deeply understand the need to ask why? , is part of the mystery surrounding the brain and mental issues.

some like bpd must be part of many things. genetics included. i think your a great example of this...that no one really knows all the whys of it. why one person can grow up and become a killer and another a dr....etc. some have a issue, or illness (i hate calling it that) and some dont. even in the same families. it just may not be a 2 + 2 always = 4 for every person.

ie..i grew up in a alcoholic family. odds are i should be one. but i dont drink. i have no idea why i dont drink.

some who believe in karma would say it plays a huge part. karma in that we choose what we will learn from this life.

see what i mean?

Hi ((Wondering)):

Your clarification helped me a lot to understand what you are saying. I don't see any twisties = it was my misunderstanding of what you originally wrote is all.

Fondly,

Candle

My bf said something interesting to me the other day. He said I was taking the"donut approach", ie: focusing on what's missing rather than what's there. I quite like this bc it's easy, when looking at what you/we missed to overlook what we got and have. You have self awareness Wondering, which helps you to understand that some of your needs will never be met by another. I guess it's just a matter of continuing to work on that self love.

BG: I do want someone to understand me and not judge me, but those are needs that I can verbalize. The way I needed my t was different--how to explain it? I called it "baby stuff" because I had no words to describe what I wanted. My t told me it was from the pre-verbal stage of life. I would feel absolutely devastated when I left many of my sessions, wanting something "more" from my t but not knowing exactly what. The sessions stirred up those feelings, and it was hard to figure out how not to have that happen.

It was more than just "attachment" to my t, I think. It was wanting to be attached, but in a primal kind of way. Remember the book, The Primal Scream? I never read it, but I think that's what I did in therapy. I wanted to be attached like an infant to its mother.

Kari: Thank you. I do feel good about the work I've done to get to this point.

Jody: Yeah, the way we turn out is unique. Thanks for your insights.

Sarah: I think I am getting near the point of not focusing on what I missed. What got me started on this track was the realization of how desperately I fought to try to get those needs met by my t, and how primitive those needs were. I'm giving myself permission to accept the way I acted, not to feel ashamed. When those feelings arise again (I know they will) I feel better able to cope with them. I can't make them disappear, but I can understand and accept them.

It was a good idea to stop therapy. I wouldn't have come to this conclusion if I had kept going.

damn, wondering. you have done a tremendous amount of very hard work on this. what progress. my hat is off to ya!

my T told me the same, the pre verbal thing about something i feel. now what to do with that i have no idea. its soooo far back.

one thing i was wondering about...ahem..wondering. is why her? why this person? why the T? i wonder if that might help in the long run or not. obviously she had "something" that hit a chord in you.

i would not even consider being ashamed. i never thought less of you, not that what i think matters--(not that i wouldnt matter, but my view would have nothing to do with it all) i just always wondered what about her...or the relationship, or even hell who knows? her hair color or something, got to you so. something did, something familiar to the inner child in you.

i have experienced a type of this, not what you have and had to work thru, but that someone, sometimes, will hit something in me. sometimes good, sometimes not, but its what i would call a aura, and again it could go back to karma. but that is deep and i doubt i should get into it here.

((wondering))

Thank you, Jody. You asked "why this T?" It wasn't just this one. I had the same feelings for the first T I ever saw, years ago. Then I saw a few Ts in order to resolve the situation with the first one! Even with those, the transference happened, but not to the extent I've struggled with my most recent T.

But you're right about "something" striking a chord with this one. It's kind of like falling in love, or more accurately, falling into infatuation! Something clicked, and the therapy relationship, being the way it is, made it easy to keep that going. It just happened, but I knew it was happening, and I wanted it to happen. The needs being so strong, I didn't try to stop myself. I've "fallen in love" with unavailable people in real life too, not just therapists. I was probably trying to get those same needs met. My T told me that my addictive behavior toward her was the way I tried to get them met. I didn't understand what she meant when she told me the above, but now I do.

Thanks Wondering for such a great thread. I understand about that primal need. I don't believe I have that, but I do have the attachment issues. I remember when I met my first T. She was speaking at a women's group I belonged to. I had never been in real therapy before. I saw her and it was like you said - instant infatuation. I knew I had to see this woman! I got her card and called her to make an appointment.

I left therapy with her because I was moving away. It was awful. I was devastated! I missed her like you wouldn't believe. Over the years I had dreams about her - trying to find her but never finding her. When I finally met my current T, the dreams stopped.

But last night I had one about her again. I saw her and she was very curt and short with me - she didn't want to see me. I was very upset (in the dream). I wonder what that was about? But I do still have this small infatuation with her, apparently. I wonder if it will ever stop? The last time I saw her was in 1990. I wish I could see her again.