If I had a do-over in the other thread:
I would have recognized the baiting instead of chomping on it. I do tend to get reactionary rather than responsive (argumentative rather than contemplative) when I perceive being attacked and maligned. In a 3-D confrontation, I wouldn't get responsive and contemplative but I would do better to remember that words are not fists or knives, even though they can hurt as much.
I would have recognized the antiprocess sooner and made a decision to either try to short-circuit it or walk away from the futility of the process. I realize I have a lot of work to do on that front - both in recognizing it when I see it and dealing with it when I find it.
I would have done a better job of receiving the mocking. It wasn't personal. Even if it was intended to hurt me specifically as a person, it still says more about the giver than the receiver and I would have done better at recognizing their hurtful words as manifestations of their own hurt.
I would have spent more time probing and trying to discover the unspoken message or question. I would have recognized the barrage of self-answering questions was an exercise intended as a venting process rather than an actual invitation to discussion and coming together as individuals.
I would have followed Mobilene's wisdom which boiled down to "Please don't post." I didn't feel especially triggered and I'm still not certain how much was really truly a display of triggered reactions as my overcompensation for attempting to emphasize certain things with bolding, underlines, font colors, etc. Up until the 
post, I was really quite okay. I spent considerable amount of time drafting, reviewing, editing, previewing the other post. I see now that putting into the second post to mirror the mockery being thrown my way wasn't especially helpful. I'm supposed to be here to help. As the saying goes, "Never wrestle a pig in mud. You both get dirty -- but the pig enjoys it." I slipped in the mud without realizing it and before I knew it, "we was a'rasslin' real good-like" even when it seemed like we might be able to assist each other out of the mud.
In the larger picture, I would have gotten to this place (becoming more clear about "no means no" as a boundary with consequences) a lot sooner. There was no need to allow this stuff to drag on for as long as it did, tiring out many people in the community during the process. As much as I want to be seen as open to discussion and willing to consider other points of view (which 90% of the time, I am most certainly willing and open to doing) there are some situations in which saying that "we can keep talking about it" also fosters the belief that "if we talk about it long enough, Ash will cave and we'll get our way." I need to do better at drawing my own boundaries and laying out reasonable, clear consequences for behaviour that I find unacceptable.
I don't often do this, as you know. I don't often come back to publicly admit to my failings and faults in something. I generally do those things in private where I won't get more crap piled on top of me as if it's some sort of freakish Open Season On Ash or something.
Some of ya'll may not even see this as me admitting to faults and failings but there's not much I can do about that.
I've taken a preliminary step in acknowledging where I went wrong. It's now up to me to work on the Five Steps for each of these things and developing a plan to add these things to my personal Learning Library for future reference the next time a situation like this comes up.
Parts of this may happen on the board. None of it may happen on the board. But I didn't want to let it sit out there without acknowledging that I made several mistakes and let ya'll know that I intend to learn from them. Whether or not that learning happens with the very next situation like this, I can't predict the future but I am at least a little bit closer.
FAQ
Register
Login
