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I am seeing a pattern that I am wanting to get a better understanding on, so thought I throw it out here and see what others experiences are.

I will go into self-care mode where I focus on myself and what I need and then suddenly give it up. It usually starts with one little break and I allow that break to become permanent. Getting back on track takes months. I am now questioning why I consistently allow this to occur. Examples:

- Couple of years back I had developed a great activity/workout routine and was very consistent with it. 6 months uninterrupted (which was a lot for me). I was really enjoying it and I was feeling good about myself.

I then went on vacation and upon return, life had taken a few turns and hence tho I had opportunity, I did not return to it.

- Recently I had again gotten into a workout routine. Only a few weeks or a month or so. Then I had an interruption (which normally comes up and is temporary) followed by some extra stress at work which led to crazy sleep patterns. My interruption is now into its 4th week.

And now I am, finally, asking myself why ? Why do I allow this? Why do I punish myself like this? The repurcussions this time feel greater. I had been keeping a regular schedule/ set bed time. I had been challenging myself re my workouts and making wonderful progress. I had been taking better care of my body- eating better; resting; exercising. And I very much believe exercise helps with my emotional state.. so why do I just give up on myself?

I am beginning to wonder if it's about putting others ahead of myself as that was a lesson learned early on. Always do/take care of others then deal with yourself. So work has to come first. Then of late there is no energy (or time) left for myself.

I guess I am starting to challenge myself and beginning to wonder what happens if I put myself first. If self-care becomes of utmost importance.

I have been slowly discovering ways in which I hold myself back and this seems to be one of them. I am slowly uncovering how I can challenge myself (something else that never seemed to be ok) and when I do how I am able to meet that challenge.

I think these are small confidence builders but they are so very new and unpracticed that I seem hesitant to practice them. I dont know what is expected to happen if I do. I do know that not challenging is supposedly the acceptable way. I do know that self is not especially ok. Doing things for self; focused on self is not ok. Yet I am finding this brings me some satisfaction also. Finding that I can make and meet my own challenges even tho mostly they are very small. But, now that Ive broken the pattern and now that I am losing ground on what I accomplished I am less inclined than I had been on taking them on.

Wondering why, if I did it just months ago, and was successful, I am refusing to step up and put myself back in that place? This feels self-defeating and also as if I am telling myself I am not worthy of feeling good.

I don't know if this is old reactions or laziness (not wanting the challenge- since I dont operate on the basis of what is my next challenge).

I only know that I have lost ground I recently gained and that I am quite off-kilter lately and now it isnt just sleep or stress or emotions (which Ive been handling mostly ok) but it is physically and mentally as well. I do know that I am constantly tired. (not worn out exhausted; got there and back a week or so ago)

Any thoughts? Ideas? similiar experiences?

I do the same thing. I will go through a period of pushing myself, of gaining and growth. Then I will fall back. I just did that for 3 weeks. I attribute mine to laziness, and to the fact that something in me doesn't want to grow. Something in me wants to be that 15 year old who hangs out with black seeds and does drugs and gets nothing accomplished. Why? Because something about it was fun. It felt good to be indulgent, but it hurts to grow, and it takes a lot of energy to maintain my schedule and to work hard. Sometimes I think I just don't have it in me to do it. But I do, if I really want to. The problem is, I want to slack off more than I want to grow during that time. Luckily, during those 3 weeks, I did grow in some ways, even though that wasn't my goal. Regardless of how much I tell myself I want to recover, sometimes my actions prove the opposite.

I think A Lot of people have problems staying motivated to exercise. I think A Lot of people have trouble staying motivated to work hard at work. But during those times, I have to do it anyway. That's what I haven't pushed myself to do. I allow the slack to take place, and to grow into a much longer period of slack and anti-growth.

I have also read somewhere that borderlines may go for 6 months with hardly any symptoms of the condition, and then have a big ole borderline party. I think it can be cyclical.

Smilin,

I have the same problem, and please would you guys let me know when you have the answer, lol.

I was very good about excercising until my father died 8 years ago.....I think part of why I did it in the first place was simply a way to distract myself from my father's "antics"...just time to get away. Since I've lived alone, I just don't seem to have the motivation to do it....don't do as much housework either. I go in spurts with that....clean absolutely everything....almost in a manic way.

I'm now in the process of getting back into the exercise routine. I do get some by digging up plants in my garden, and believe me that is work, lol. I just have to make myself do it....but I do tend to use any excuse at all not to. So, maybe now that I have actually "confessed" and I can see it in black and white, I will do it!

cosmo

just a idea, not a whole solution...

exercise can be stuck in all over the place. since i cant seem to get into walking alone, or a gym, i have begun this.

i mow. i love to and its great exercise.

as cosmo said, dig. a flower bed. a garden. a hole. great exercise and all this works off a tremendous amount of anxiety in our bodies. cut tree limbs. trim a shrub. then carry the limbs and throw them somewhere.

park way out from wal mart and walk in and out.

take stairs. no elevators, no escalators. and push up those babies!

carry trash, clothes, umm cans from the store. lift!

stretch when ya think about it and work out those kinks. i personally think stretching is excellent for the body and blood flow. raise those arms HIGH. feel the gentle pull. feel your body. (well, i know what i mean lol oops)

play with the dog, if you have one. chase, tug o war. chase with the kids, grandkids, any kids! kick a ball. we do a push the baby up the incline on the driveway and catch her as she rolls down in her little car. some of that and whew. believe me.

bend and scrub that tub!

as far as keeping up something, i dont do well thinking "i HAVE to do x and y". i do better incorporating it into my day.

"""""I think these are small confidence builders but they are so very new and unpracticed that I seem hesitant to practice them. I dont know what is expected to happen if I do. I do know that not challenging is supposedly the acceptable way. I do know that self is not especially ok. Doing things for self; focused on self is not ok. Yet I am finding this brings me some satisfaction also. Finding that I can make and meet my own challenges even tho mostly they are very small. But, now that Ive broken the pattern and now that I am losing ground on what I accomplished I am less inclined than I had been on taking them on.

Wondering why, if I did it just months ago, and was successful, I am refusing to step up and put myself back in that place? This feels self-defeating and also as if I am telling myself I am not worthy of feeling good."""" i think you got the idea. when you do it soley for you...it feels wrong, doesnt it? or if you have to get up, go somewhere, its hard some says.

can you just incorporate some into every day stuff so it doesnt feel so......"i must do this" when you dont want to?

some days i dont want to a thing. i let those happen, knowing the want will come back. sit with your feelings, to a point, and maybe be sneaky so your mind wont realize hey, this is good for me!

just my ideas...jody

I just read this thread and could really relate. Every aspect of my life has seemed to follow this cyclical pattern.... highly motivated for a while and after a break in routine, I wouldn't go back. I have taken this theme to extremes in my life, having this pattern effect everything from household chores to jobs to relationships.

For the most part, I broke the cycle about a year ago. There have been many setbacks along the way, and I'm sure this pattern is one I will always be somewhat fighting. I began this journey by changing the way I looked at having to do things. Instead of 'having' to excercise, I was physically 'able' to excercise and grateful for the ability. It occured to me how many people can't. I can push my body pretty hard and it always shows resiliancy. This simple mind-shift made things not such a chore, and I found myself looking for less excuses to get out of an activity. I also really looked at whether or not I liked an activity. For instance, I new I had to do chores, but I hated doing them in the mornings, without loud music, on rainy days, etc. I scheduled things that I knew I had to do even though I did not want to do them when I would naturally be more inclined. For me, this might mean I was cleaning the bathroom at 11:00pm, but that was when I had the most energy and it got done. Now, after a year, it is not such an issue and I just do what needs to be done.

I agree that stretching and getting in tune with your body helps.

All of this is my opinion and meant to help. I would appreciate any other suggestions on this topic. This is my first message board ever-- I don't know how to put a smilie in here but I am thinking it!

I think I can relate to this too. I get involved in things and have loads of energy. Then something happens and I crash. Can't do anything. This is what happened to me today. I have been very involved in different projects. I went to sleep last night and had a bad dream where my H left me for another woman. I woke up extremely freaked out! I could barely get out of bed, much less clean up my kitchen, which I needed to do. I forced myself to do it.

I find that after these bursts of energy, I usually crash. I feel overloaded and overwhelmed. I dont' want to stop my projects, I just don't know how to keep up the energy consistently. I don't want to be depressed again. I can't afford to - I have too much to do. Maybe I need to scale back a bit - maybe that's the answer. I'd be interested to see what other people's thoughts on this are. I can't call my T today as his office is closed on Fridays. I need to work this out myself.

I used to do this too, to the point where a nurse who assessed me thought I might have bipolar. (My pdoc decided I probably didn't.)

For me the solution has definitely been to scale back. I used to take on way too much and my body and mind could only cope for so long. It was hard for me to see it like that at the time, though - I was baffled by what was going on. The most helpful thing for me has been to (a) recognise my early warning signs that I'm going to crash, and scale back then, and (b) address in therapy the reasons why I felt I needed to push myself so hard.

The great news is that as I get healthier, I can cope with more and more because I don't have so much emotionally invested in it. I know I'm an OK person whether I do lots or not, and that helps me to be aware of and respect my limits, which means I don't end up yo-yoing between all and nothing.

People with BPD often tend to do things in extremes, and I think this is one example of that.

Thanks Echoes. I appreciate your words. I see that I may be taking on too much right now. My biggest problem is I hate to say "no." People expect me to do things and want me to be a part of their groups.

I guess each group doesn't realize I'm doing stuff for other groups, so they dont' see why I can't work for them. But I am at a cut-off place right now. Luckily I'm going on vacation in a few weeks. That will help me.

Saying "no" is the answer. Learning how to do it is the problem!!!! At least I'm aware of what I need to do.

Yup yup, Jody....this is just what ive been doing lately and until I read what you wrote here I hadnt really realized it (which is a good thing, when u do something good for yourself w/o even realizing it, makes it seem effortless). And you're right about "those days" when I dont feel like doing ANYthing at all, and of course nothing gets done, and I used to beat myself up relentlessly when that happened, thinking I was a weak pathetic loser, etc etc.

But I don't do that so much anymore, I just let those days happen. I think of those days more like weekends (when ya know, you're not expected to work) no matter what day of the week they happen on, then it takes the pressure off and I can more easiliy get into the mode of thinking that I did get SOME things accomplished during the past few days so today I CAN relax and do nothing, ITS OK, LAURA, take a break. In other words I give myself permission to do nothing because I really have earned it. And yes, even on my "days off" I still manage to get a couple things done because on those days its not an I HAVE to do this, its more I WANT to do this, it's MY CHOICE today.

I dunno, it sounds like I just psych myself out with these little mind tricks, but hey whatever works, right? As you said, Jody, it's being sneaky so the mind doesn't realize what it's doing is a good thing. All living things live and thrive better with routine, or being cyclic as some referred to it, and that is because our minds and our bodies have their own rhythyms and ways of working, and sometimes when all else fails to change those cycles (like trying to change the seasons of weather, ha!) you have to accept them and work WITH them, rather than constantly fight them. So you spend 6 months exercising then go a couple months without...you got the 6 months in and that is something to admire and appreciate...not focus on the 2 months without which only leads to further problems.

You'll get back into the exercising or work or whatever when your mind and body are ready and they'll be ready when they are more relaxed and open to it (or bored), and the only way to get more relaxed is to accept these cycles, work with them rather than against them, and GIVE YOURSELF the breaks that you need.

ok..end of speech. ty for listening.

I will put two ideas out to think about;

#1) For me, I need to be carefull to look at what I am doing when I feel a strong need to be highly active. I have a habit of using physical activity to keep myself from dealing with problems that are building in my life or relationships. I can find myself really pushing the limits. It's like, if I can just totaly exhaust myself and fill my day with busy work I can drown out the problems. On some norm level I think this is great. But for me it is a signal that I need to take some DT and do some self analyzation!

#2) As a society in general we should consider quiet time by ourselves, relaxing, meditating, even sleeping to be much more important than we give credit for. I have difficulty being alone. Scheduling myself some alone time has been reallly helpful to me for maintaining a regular schedule.

My point? and along the lines of Laura's post- IMO Our physical/psychological needs change based upon what we are going through.
Our bodies, when we are in tune with them, can be great judges of what is best for us.

Jody - great points with the exercising throughout the day!
I usually do some stretching in the 5 min. that my oatmeal cooks in the morning, park my car as far away as possible at work, and take my lunch hour for a quiet walk - somtimes fast for excercize somtimes slow and leisurly for DT.

great thread everyone!

I discussed this with my T yesterday. I told him that I'm feeling so good that I'm afraid I'll "crash." He said he didn't like that word. I told him that when things are going so well I'm always afraid that something bad will happen. He said that in life, something "bad" is bound to eventually happen. But then he said that since I am in a better place right now, if or when something bad does happen, I will be better equipped to handle it. That made me feel better.

Sorry to be away from this thread for so long, however, I have been reading and have appreciated the varied responses.

This isn't so much about 'what should I do' as much as it is in trying to understand my behavior around this- of getting into something; enjoying it and then letting it fall by the wayside.

A few people have touched on some aspects that I have recently begun to learn about myself - how I view/classify the activity and how I/if I value myself.

While I am learning an awful lot about myself thru this very physical activity; I have a long way to go.

Alot of this is related to not acknowledging that I can and am capable of shaping my life any way I would like to. Hopes goals dreams werent part of my life/lifestyle. Dreams were just that- dreams.. And many I have over the years let go of. Very very few Ive pursued cause that isnt what life was about. life was about being accepted and meeting someone elses standards (my own were mostly a subset of theirs - yes theirs being my folks). So this is where the old reactions come into play.

The self sabtoge I am still working on but a few have touched on it- about making time; about thought processes; views of what it is about; why I am doing this.

I am not looking for ways to 'exercise' but for ways to 'maintain' what I start; for becoming commited; for staying commmited; for valuing myself over and above other things; for turning a have-to/should into a want to/ will; for accepting that even pleasure requires some work (at times); for accepting that that work results in good things and therefore is worth it; for justifying the means toward the ends but doing so in terms of benefit and dropping or overriding the costs (is 20 min of time a a tad of effort really such a heavy 'cost' to feeling better; eating better and having a better attitude?)

I guess I am looking more for the dynamics of how/why. Are you being more loving toward yourself ? Are you putting yourself first? Are you erasing expectations ? What has changed for you... how are you maintaining self care?

Is there an element of punishment ? Of self-worth? (lack of)..

Is it strictly a matter of viewing yourself differently? Is it about control and/or lack thereof?

To use exercise as an example, I know I need to exercise. It helps me both mentally and physically. I've been having physical problems lately and don't feel up to exercising. But when I do do it, I feel better - again, both mentally and physically. I am being good to myself when I do it. I used to view it as a form of punishment. "Oh shit, I have to do THAT again." But I'm trying to look at is as a way to be good to myself. To take care of myself. I still have a ways to go on this yet, but I'm trying to get to that place. My T is trying to teach me that in order to feel better mentally, I need to take care of myself physically. Sleep well, eat well, exercise. Every month or so, at the beginning of a session, he'll ask me how I'm doing physically - how well I sleep, do I exercise, etc. So it's all a part of taking care of ourselves mentally and physically. It's part of the same package. I don't know if this helps, but it's my take on it.

For me, it is a combonation of all of those things. I view myself differently because I care now what I do to my body because I believe that I have a future. Before, I never cared about how I treated myself because I did not fundamentally care what happened to me. I would worry and worry about others, but long-term survival planning wasn't really a goal of mine. It is now, and therefore things like exercise and diet have to be priorities. Because I care what happens to me. Some of it is control-- I don't want someone else deciding what I think about myself or anything else. I don't want someone else deciding what I believe. I have the power to think, and my beliefs are just as good. I take the thoughts and opinions of those whom I love seriously. However, in the end all decisions are mine and mine alone. I am the one living with the consequences of those decisions. Some days are better than others, but I keep picking myself back up knowing that I am the only one I can really count on.

It seems to me that you are really asking is it worth it. I hear you saying how much energy it takes to sustain the pace. I agree, and while I don't think it gets 'easier', it does become more fulfilling. I have seen my muscles devolop. I have felt my lungs go from a 2-pack a day smokers lung to running a 5k. With these physical changes, I experiece psychological changes. I feel more powerful. I feel more capable. I feel better self-esteem and self-reliance that I would not feel if I did not take care of my responsibilities. Meditation calms and centers. I am not embarrased to be who I am anymore. By healthier eating, I have more energy. I have learned (through trial and error) which foods really drag me down energy-wise. I was amazed that this was happening. I would have denied that a year ago. Nobody in my life thought I could do this last year. They all counted me out. I enjoy proving people wrong about me!

As to why, because it is my life-- not theirs. Because only I really know what I want from this life, even though I am still figuring that out. Because only I can really decide what is best for me. Because I have to love myself.


I believe that until you decide, within you, that you are capable of shaping your life any way that you would like to that real change cannot happen. When you do decide that, it will. You must first believe in the change, visualize it, then set forth to make it happen. Of course your belief will falter, mine does all the time. But unless you keep going back to knowing that you and only you have the power to create your destiny, others will decide your fate. You are strong enough, smart enough, resilliant enough, whatever enough to do this. This is your life-- live it because you can.

I don't mean for any of this to sound harsh or preachy. I think one just has to make a choice. It is worth it. I truly wish you the best. Don't sit around thinking about all this too much. Get out and do it.

Wow! That is great Smilin. You really said it all. I like the part about being in control of your body and who you are. It's true - once you feel better physically you feel better psychologically. You become stronger and begin to know who you really are. Great post!!!!