BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I've had a bit of a realisation about myself and how defensive I can be. Especially at work. The realisation is not so much that I am defensive, but more about why. I realised that when someone finds fault in my work, especially if the fault seems to be pointed towards me, I'm extremely defensive. I have to insist that it wasn't my fault (unless of course it is). I'm ok at taking the wrap for the things I have done wrong, but if I feel I couldn't have avoided it I jump to feeling like I'm being hung, drawn and quartered for a crime I didn't commit. This is the problem. I sense that being "wrong" at work means I will have no defense and I will be held responsible for the actions of others.

I think the underlying thrust here is that I feel I will have no defense and I fear being invalidated. This is clearly bc of my background, and being blamed for the "naughty" actions of my brother's, and of my needs being invalidated. I was ALWAYS in trouble with Mum, when often I hadnt done anything wrong at all. It's one of those PTSD type reactions: behaving like the battle hasn't ended, when it actually has.

In the workplace we need to be noticed for our good work and forgiven for our mistakes - allowed to learn and move on. I just feel like the work place is a battlefield where error isn't tolerated, fingers are pointed, blame is held, and punishment distributed accordingly. I feel there is no fairness or humaneness in the work place. I have had many bad experiences throughout my career and the thread i opened on Season Passes about a girl from a job I lost is just one of them, where although I wasn't in the wrong I still lost my job. I work with the constant fear that I will be fired for something I didn't do. And what it does to me is make me defensive, which makes me difficult to work with, and which therefore puts me at a higher risk of being ousted. My last work review at my previous job said I was defensive. When I was retrenched not many people were sad to see me go. I know it was MAINLY just a bad cultural mix for me, but I think if I'd been easier to work with, less defensive and therefore more cooperative, maybe those who I worked closest with would have been sadder to see me leave. Maybe it would even have been someone else who was retrenched if I'd been more easy going.

Anyway, it's coming up a lot in my new position, bc I'm still on trial and am having trouble proving my ability. I'm afraid that my skills won't be noticed (again) and that I'll be fired before anyone realises how valuable I am there. It's already beginning to emerge in the form of tension with my boss. He's a nice person, a kind man with a lot of insight and understanding who is willing to work through this. That's a great opportunity for me bc this obstacle won't go away without me working on it. So I've had some helpful realisations there. I'm about to goto work now, and today I'm going to be free of blame. I'm new and am allowed to make teething mistakes and if I haven't done anything wrong then I won't be punished. Today I'm going to (try to) work with the confidence that I'm safe and secure.

I need to find a job so I don't lose my house and your post brings to mind why I am feeling so apprehensive about seeking employment. I know that I have never been able to hold a job for more than 2 years because I can't seem to stay focused enough for any longer than that (my leaving a position has always been voluntary, though). I don't work well when I am afraid of making mistakes so I can completely understand how stressed out you must feel in your work environment. I like working from home but I am not selling enough books to make the house payment so I need to think about other ways to come up with the money necessary to support my family. The idea of working closely with the same people every day scares me so I need to find something that will be a good match for me.

My immediate thoughts on this were: Isn't it a shame that we live in a world where pointing out others mistakes, errors, flaws, seems to practiced more than giving positive feedback and encouragement? I find the same in my job. Folks are all too quick to come and tell me when I could have done something better, or a different way, pointing out the errors and mistakes, but there ain't much in the way of "positive feedback" ie: "We value you for what you do well." Ok, they pay me, but that's it. So of course, when I know that the positive's are going to be over-looked and the negatives always brought to my attention, then it sets up a process for me to try to do things perfectly and to get defensive when I have a flaw pointed out to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes irritable in the workplace (leave me alone, I have to get this job done perfectly.) It's the world Sarah, not you. I notice it everywhere I go. It's in the news reports, the workplace, etc. The negatives get tons of attention, but the positives, just seem to be over-looked, even in the recovery world, where the focus is meant to be on happy, healthy living.

I recently went through a major incident at work where it felt like I became the target for all of the blame, fingers pointing, telling me how I could have done a better job of handling the situation. I took it really personally and felt like crap. The reality was, I hadn't been given adequate training or support to handle the situation. I did my best at the time with the knowledge/skills that I had. The situation actually hi-lighted to my employers areas that were lacking in training. My mistakes, became lessons to learn from.

How to deal with it? I have no idea, except to keep praising yourself for the good/positive stuff that you do. Learn from the mistakes. Do your best. Don't take stuff so personally. Remember you're new in the position and sometimes mistakes are going to happen. You're human. I might help to go into with a positive, confident frame of mind. When you notice the tension and negatives creeping in, re-focus your attention to the positives. Have been doing this a lot myself lately and it really makes a difference.

I hope that you have a better day at work today.

I can also relate to this post. You can do a great job but once they find out one little thing you might have done wrong, they point it out to you. But not the positive things you do.

As Amanda said, I guess the best thing to do is go in with a positive frame of mind and just try to do your best. But not to the point where you're making yourself sick. Try to remember what you enjoy/like about this job. How are you bringing your skills to this job? Try to think positively and that you CAN make a difference. Even put up little affirmations at your desk. When people walk by your desk and see this, they will believe you are a positive person. It will stick in their minds (and yours too).

Also, try to be friendly to your co-workers. I don't mean you have to be buddy-buddy with them. But come in with a smile on your face and say hi to the people around you. You want to get to be known as the person with a positive attitude.

You can't change how other people feel about their job, but maybe you can bring a little ray of good things to your situation. And maybe that will spread over onto others.

If there was a way to give you a booster shot of narcissism, I'd do it. Not that you need to be totally self-involved and think excessively highly of yourself but just enough to get your self-confidence up enough to believe in your value and worth first and foremost.

See that signature (in black) of mine? You keep expecting to be fired which brings about the behaviours that ultimately DO lead to sacking. You have the intellectual understanding of your worth, value and contributions in the workplace. You just need to elevate the ranking of those things above the fears and worries. I don't think you need to become cocky and arrogant and conceited but I do think you need to get a little bit closer on that front.

As someone who makes mistakes with a certain level of regularity, I can tell you it's a lot of fun copping to those mistakes sometimes. In fact, I just did it. There's a manager who sits nearby (I don't work for her but we're friendly enough) and I was griping yesterday about how the new program was all jacked up & stupid. This morning, I figured out what I was doing wrong and I made a point of going over there to say "See how blonde I was?! I didn't even realize that option was there!" She tried to make it easier on me with "Maybe that option was off your screen cuz it was too wide ...?" and I said "Nope, I'm just entirely blonde sometimes!" and I laughed. She laughed. It was all good.

The fact that I'm able to cop to mistakes, even the stupidest ones that no one really needs follow-up on, shows that I'm a stand-up persion. When it's my fault, I take the heat. That way, when it's NOT my fault, and I say so, it's well-known and widely-accepted that it's not a defensive thing -- cuz I'm happy to take the blame when it's entirely my fault -- it's a matter of truth or reality. I eat plenty of crow but no one really tries to get me sacked because there's no real chance of them throwing me under the bus, as it were.

Even when I'm convinced something wasn't my fault but then it turns out I was indeed to blame, I turn it into a bit of a joke. "Yeah yeah, I see it now, I'm such a doofus sometimes, call me blonde, I deserve it!" It's a fun, light-hearted thing so it's not a horrible thing. It's not going to turn into an ugly scene. There's a grudging acceptance that's kind of comical rather than a life- or career-threatening incident.

I agree with above and just wanted to emphasize the 'not-taking-it-personally- concept.

A mistake is just that. A mistake. If it was your error, than you made the mistake. That does NOT mean that you are a mistake.

Separating the job tasks from the job as a whole and especially from who you ultimately ARE as a person is the huge challenge, a least in my opinion.

Also, trying to remember that past situ's were then and this is now can really help.

XO,

J.

There's only the fairness that one can work to create. If you want to be heard, and you want your contributions rewarded, you have to work for yourself to make sure that happens. People seem to notice the wrong, but forget about the right, when they are trying to keep the ball rolling. I know I do. One has to make sure the uppers know, so work to learn to sell yourself. You can see better than anyone what you have or haven't done. You just have to know how to communicate that, and do it. Otherwise, any "enemies" you might have Might have the ability to get you fired, depending on who your uppers are. Same with getting raises, I've seen many articles written on the reasons why women do not get paid as much as men. One of those seems to be because they don't work to. They don't make sure the uppers know what contributions they are making and how valuable they are, so they go unnoticed. The "bad" seeds obviously get attention by doing bad deeds that are obviously fires to be put out, the "good" have to make sure they are noticed by speaking their voice, by vocalizing the good they are doing or advocating, and by being able to take up for themselves and communicate to the uppers how and why they aren't to blame. Some workplaces can definitely be a blame-game, and you have to have the skills and ability to speak up and have a good reason why you aren't to blame, else you will definitely become a scapegoat.



That lady seems to have had some good arguments as to why you needed to be retrenched. Countering that with "why not" is the goal. Sitting the uppers down and discussing why.... Really. Explaining your pov, that you don't believe you did anything wrong, and finding out why they think you did (because possibly, there was another underlying reason why you were retrenched). If I'm going to be retrenched, I'm going to know exactly Why I am being retrenched (not just that some lady doesn't like me, or turned someone against me). Is it my skills? Is it my attitude? Is it really because people don't like me? And for what reasons do they not like me? What specifically IS the reason I am being retrenched (interpersonal skills)? Because I would think if they DID know how valuable you were, they would've worked with you on those, not just let you go. Situations like this usually don't call for retrenchments...


As I said, you have to communicate it with the boss and make sure he knows that you are adding value. Alot of times, people don't have the time to think it through. They are shown what people bring to their attention. "Here I am! I'm doing a good job here! I'm working hard! Look at my productivity!" My bf doesn't have any problems with this, because they have daily meetings where he presents what he is working on and his boss is very astute and takes notice of who is valuable, and trusts that my bf has the ability to weed out who is not, but he has to have reasons to do so. The boss doesn't just hear, "hey, X-person had a problem with Y-person, and now X needs to be retrenched." There has to be a Real reason for a retrenchment, outside of interpersonal difficulties, unless it is Really extreme (and that has happened rarely). And that reason is usually productivity and the unwillingness to change and adapt to a new situation - the inability to learn. The inability to progress and grow... laziness. The inability to be "can do". The inability to make decisions. My bf can spot the ones sitting in your shoes, the ones who don't have the skills necessary to make their case. He works with them on that. (We talk Alot about his management and workplace occurrences). It takes a certain boldness and belief in one's own abilities. And I think you probably Did go into the workplace with some ability from your experiences (am I right?), go ahead and give yourself credit for that. And work with confidence that you can do whatever is put before you.

Like Ash, I am usually the first to point out my own mistakes. It could come from the way I was raised since my father told me he wanted to hear if I was in trouble before getting phone calls from my teachers. The advantage for me was that I could give my version of events before he jumped to conclusions based on a teacher's report. I remember telling him once that I had copied the answers to a homework assignment out of the teacher's book when I used it to copy down the homework problems and he did not even punish me for it since he heard it from me and not my teacher (my teacher stopped calling when he made the connection between his calls and the bruises I would wear the following day). One thing I had to learn was not to "explain" myself, though, because that would only sound like justification for my actions. As long as I can state that I made an error and that I would not repeat it again in the future, that was an indication that I had learned from my mistake and severe punishment was not necessary to get the message to sink in.

My supervisor this summer did not spend much time evaluating my performance because she knew I would come to her and talk about a problem without her needing to "catch" it herself. She was too busy checking on other staff who were making mistakes without being aware that they needed correction. She also knows that I am a perfectionist and as a result I tend to be harder on myself than she would have been anyway, LOL. When I went to her and told her that I had failed to complete a job task by the due date, she said "okay" and gave me an extension for completion because she knew I would get it done without her needing to check up on me anyway. She certainly did not have to worry about me failing to do my job properly when she knows how important it is to me to do a good job.