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emailing a friend of mine, something she said clicked and i had a huge lightbulb in the middle of the email to her! how funny is that!

this is a perfect example of checking out my past to see why i feel how i do today and how to fix it. the fixing part uses untwisting my thinking and 5 steps. here is a condensed version of how this happened.

for years, here esp, some have asked me "why do you care what others say about you or think you are?" i was stumped. i tried very hard to logically fix it. no success. i tried to simply mind over matter ignore it and tell myself it doesnt matter. no success. i just never could get past it. nothing worked. the same feelings came up. every time. i did learn to respond in a diff manner but i wanted the feelings gone. i wanted to stop HAVING to feel it and change my responses.

i was taught in couseling and do believe many of our issues stem from childhood. (disclaimer! this is not a excuse, not a reason to stay stuck, nothing of the kind! it is a SOLUTION to change my core feelings) i was taught this "energy" if you will, wont leave until the core is fixed. and i was tired of the same old feelings, even tho i could change my outward behavior.

but how to fix something i couldnt touch? some things in my mind are so right, even tho as a adult i know their wrong in my mind, my soul, my core says nope, im right. quite strange to experience. anyways........

here is where my stuff comes in. why does what another think about me bother me so bad? its a big combination of what i was told and what i twisted it into. all my young life stage, impressionable and seeing life how a child does, it was drummed into me to be subserviant or my father would and could kill us. do NOTHING to set him off. this was one of my moms mantras. her other was to make sure others saw nothing imperfect in us. (quite a achievement considering who they were lol) not sure why she thought that, probably her brain damage. her N stuff.

ok, imagine being told agree with others, regardless. one of a ultimate goals of behavior.

fast fwd a bit to me having a abusive bf at age 16 and becoming pregnant at 17. i was not asked my wants at all but TOLD marry him or be tossed out on the street. my dad had a loaded gun in the living room. instant ---he can and will kill us--flash. i gave in to my moms demands.

fast fwd 4 years. that H left me and our son. i met this H and moved in with him. heaven FORBID we were back to what would "people" (who the utter fuck are these people anyways? and how much they need a hobby if this is all they do all day) say? marry this one or lose my son. (apparently he would be better raised by my dysfunctional parents than me). that was sunk in to me -another example of how worthless i was. so i married this one also. did it never dawn on my mother or father i could ever think for myself?

so condensed. it all went together in my mind to others views were so important that my own didnt matter in the least. they*--those people with too much time on their hands and no life--literally controlled my own life and happiness. and had the RIGHT to do that. WTF nuts is that? wasnt nuts to me--was "how it was". it wasnt questioned at the time. not until today! i could die by doing it any diff. see, its all twisted up into a mess but i didnt know it was a mess. i thought it was NORMAL. hahaha. wow.

so this is why i care so much when another says im a shitty person. this is why i fight so hard...i am fighting for my life (in my mind). wow, i am so excited i see this! i can now fix it. i can now untwist it, i can undo it, and i know where it all came from! how incredible this is. no more bandaids. i can fix the core!

i just wanted to share this. it might help someone. things might not be X follows logically into Y or a concrete example of something. it might be several things, twisted up, into a behavior now that is totally wrong and completely makes no sense.

this is huge for me. others were more important than my very life is what i was taught. i was so subserviant. yet so vicious at the same time. and now it makes sense. no wonder i care what someone says about me or to me about myself.

utter...WOW. thank you all for letting me share. this is just too huge to not share. i can now FIX it!!!

(((((Jody)))))

That is so cool Jody! I'm so happy for you. It's really amazing when we get those "aha" moments! I know I still have some untwisting to do lately. But I'm so glad you got there! Yay for you!!!!

Very cool!

(((Jody))),

Your post made me sad and happy. Sad for how your parents acted, but happy that you have figured it out. Thanks so much for sharing your huge lightbulb discovery. I am happy for you!

thanks you guys!

no ((wondering)) dont be sad. my life made me who i am.

so weird how things just click sometimes and there it is. just incredible.