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Hello all:

I've been diagnosed with BPD for about 2 years now. Could anyone offer insight on the abandonment anxiety/fears? I'm in therapy, much improvement has happened, and yet, I have to (quite literally) talk myself through what feels very much like horrific situations when I know I will be spending an evening alone, or I'm only hanging out with a friend for a while, then I have to go home, etc. Does it get better? Will these "bouts" end?

Thanks.

It gets better when you have experienced a secure attachment with your therapist and learn how to be alone comfortably.

I can only offer the insight of my own experience with abandonment stuff. For me it has changed significantly over years of therapy, but the most dramatic improvement has occurred by just committing to working on myself about it.

It's so easy to succumb to abandonment triggers and frantically grasp for someone to hold on to. The best advice I can give is to plan your time ahead. When you know you'll be spending an evening alone, make a plan for yourself that involves nurturing activities, not escapes. For the whole evening. Plan a nice meal, buy the groceries you need, and cook a good dinner for yourself. Read, engage in your hobbies (or develop hobbies) - things that are creative are very nurturing for me, like sewing, painting, or some kind of craft. Or maybe plan to read a book on a topic you're interested in. Exercise. Goto a yoga class. Clean your home or do washing/fixit chores. Pay your bills. These simple, seemingly dull activities can give you a real sense of achievement and self-care. Meditation is a great way to help settle anxiety and also kills the horrible time alone. But when I have a plan, I can actually become quite excited about my evening alone.

Time alone is the perfect time to work on your relationship with yourself: to develop a trusting, loving relationship, and learn to actually enjoy your own company. This is exactly the opposite of abandoning yourself and that really is the idea: to learn that you are there when no-one else is and that unlike others in your past, you will not abandon you. It's the foundation of a healthy sense of self.

I have found it's easy to distract myself with movies and television, and although I love really interesting arthouse cinema, I need to be careful that's it's not serving as an escape.

The 'bouts', for me, have never gone away completely. I still get little waves of abandonment and anxiety sometimes when i have to be alone, especially if I've been spending a lot of time with people. BUT, what has happened is I know exactly what I need to do to overcome them, and thus, how long that fearful feeling lasts is totally up to me. I think my foundations will always have the ability to be shaken, but the more I develop that secure relationship with myself, the harder it is to shake them, and the less fearful I become of abandonment, simply because I have myself to fall back on. It's a completely different life to the one where I would become very anxious about being alone....again and again. The certainty that i have answers to these problems is so utterly reassuring.

Thank you very much. The advice is a huge help. I know there's no easy, clean cut answers, but these techniques seem very possible for me. Thanks again.