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Hey... This is something that I think is my biggest struggle right now. I've been tracking my days with my psychologist and things seem to be the worst at night when I'm all alone. I've gotten myself messed up in a tricky and messed up situation. I've become the "other woman" in a relationship. It's nothing that I looked out to do, but it just happened, and now I am pretty sure I am in love with him.

So what do I do? Part of me knows that I deserve better, someone who can actually have a relationship with me and put me first, but the other part of me knows that I will be even more alone without him. It's not like I have guys chasing me around. Yeah there are a few, but you all know just as well as I that it is incredibly difficult and rare to find someone that understands BPD and mental illness in general. And he completely gets it.

Sorry I sort of hijacked this convo but I just started typing and it all came out. I hope you all can offer me some advice without judging my decisions.

Thanks for listening all.

Sigh. I hate the weekends. There's always such an expectation to go out and socialize. But after being sick combined with being completely consumed by my job this year my social circle has gotten so much smaller. There's even a concert that I'd like to go with but I have no one to go with. Depression makes it extra hard to reach out, but I actually tried today and completely failed.

To make matters worse, it's the guy i've been seeing's anniversary with his partner. I purposely set out to try occupy myself tonight so I won't be stuck all alone with a broken heart. It feels like there's like a tsunami of pain coming straight at me and there's nothing I can do about it. Ouch.