BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I don't know what is wrong with me. I was mild-to-moderately depressed and on Zoloft for several years. It kept me balanced, but still somewhat blah. Then I had bad postpartum depression and the pdoc said maybe it is Bipolar II. I've been on Effexor, Prozac, Celexa and Wellbutrin. And now nothing.

Due to a very stressful few months, I am sinking into...something. I don't know what is going on. I have days of dark depression. I have anxiety. I can't sleep well. I think I need to go back on some sort of meds, but I'm terrified of the weight gain (I finally am losing most of it, don't want it back) and the never-ending fatigue. I started thinking maybe I actually have BPD. These are my symptoms:

- Emptiness, loneliness even when surrounded by people
- Difficulty in finding happiness/joy in activities others seem to like (hobbies, sports, entertainment)
- Paranoid within my relationships (fear that my husband will leave me, fear that my friends don’t really like me)
- Self esteem issues (deep down feelings that I’m not as good as other people)
- Difficult time making friends (act sarcastic and aloof a lot to protect myself)
- Excessive worry (about money, health, life)
- Experience emotional pain that other people don’t seem to feel (deep feelings of sorrow over thoughts of my parents getting older or my only child beginning school…I assume this all ties in with the abandonment issues)
- Always fighting irritability, depression, rages
- Feel hopeless and pessimistic a lot…sometimes feel that I won’t be strong enough to handle emotional pain (ex: if my child died, if my husband left me) and I would need to commit suicide
- Need for control over someone as far back as childhood (this is really weird...I never understood it. It's like I have to "own" someone. Even their thoughts or something. Like if I don't control them, they'll leave me.
When I was little I did this with my brother and then my best friend. Now it is my husband. I'm afraid I'll start doing it to my little girl too. So bizarre.)
- Never felt accepted or part of the group

Does this sound like BPD? I have no idea what it is or even what I'm supposed to do about it. I'm embarrassed by the havoc I create in my family's life.

Hi sheelab, and welcome to the board.

I can't tell you if you have BPD or not. Some of what you wrote sounds like it, some less so. It does sounds like you definitely have some depression issues though. But we aren't mental health professionals here, and we can't diagnose anybody.

I think the best thing to do, if you really want to get a handle on things, would be to go to a good psychiatrist for a thorough review of your symptoms and history, and go over what medications you have taken and which ones helped and which ones didn't, and all that stuff. Bipolar II and BPD are often confused, because both can involve rapid mood swings, but they aren't really the same thing at all. People who have depression with BPD will often see some improvement with anti-depressants and sometimes things like atypical anti-psychotics -- there is no medication for BPD itself, though. People who really have Bipolar II but are put on regular anti-depressants can get worse and have more trouble with the manic (or hypo-manic) end of the spectrum. The atypical anti-psychotics can help them sometimes, and others get relief with lithium. Again, I can't tell you what to take since I'm not a professional -- really only a psychiatrist should be prescribing these drugs, in my opinion, not a GP. Everybody reacts differently to any of these psychotropic medications, so what you experienced with Zoloft or Effexor, for instance, may be totally different from what another did. Most of the anti-depressants you mentioned don't usually cause weight gain, from my own experience, but some of the anti-psychotics (which work as mood stabilizers -- taking them doesn't mean that you're psychotic) definitely do. It can be hard to decide what to do, but if you really want to be mentally stable, a few extra pounds can be worth it for a lot of people.

I also think it's really beneficial to have a therapist, to help talk all this out and assist you with planning strategies to deal with your depression and anxieties and self-esteem issues and rage, etc. You're also welcome to hang out here, whether or not you have BPD. Check out our "Tools" (in the box on the left) for some techniques that a lot of us use to help ourselves straighten things out.

Good luck!!

Hello Shellab-

I am so screwed up myself at the moment that all i can offer you is a heartfelt welcome and to tell you that i feel like I wrote your post that describes your symptoms. I hope you will take Sari's advice and reach out, especially since you have a daughter to take care of, as you obviously love your family a lot and don't want to inflict pain on them! I am assimilating all of that too. I have a very hard time understanding relationships and fitting in, too. So, I hope you get some good help and I would like to hear how you progress. Best wishes and if you feel awkward like I do, please PM me... Best wishes, dear...