BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Some of you know my history with my T and my problems with attachment to her. I ended regular sessions about 2 years ago but have seen her every few months.

I had a session about 2 weeks ago in which I discussed how bad she made me feel on the phone when she imitated how I don't want to get off, and how I'm manipulating her. She wouldn't apologize, and just said she can't change who she is. She also said she feels sad that we didn't solve the "attachment" problem. I said maybe I should see someone else, someone on my insurance, and she said "maybe."

I left the session with a feeling of clarity and extreme pain. I had thought I was going to see her monthly, for maintenance. That was what we had decided would be good for me if I could afford it. But, the session changed all that. For the first time, I radically accepted that she is not good for me any more! She hurt me very badly with her bluntness. I don't have to deal with that!

I cried when I left because there was a lot of good in our sessions, and I'm going to miss her terribly. I'm looking into therapy again because I still feel that someone out there could help me with some unfinished business. I'm going to post in The Couch about that.

How will you protect against attachment issues with the new, compassionate & gentle T as you focus on & discuss how the old T was blunt & mean?

I agree, if therapy with your T isn't working for you, it makes sense to try a different tack. So I fully support you on that.

But I think you need to be prepared for that fact that any T is going to be blunt at times. Especially with attachment issues, they need to set boundaries. If they find your behaviour manipulative, they need to call you on it. Therapy does really hurt at times.

Of course, it is possible for a T who does all these things still to be nurturing and compassionate. Have you read Get Me Out of Here? I think you can see all those qualities in the T in the book - or indeed in a loving parent who still sets firm boundaries and disciplines their child when needed. (A T is not a parent, and you know that, but there are similarities here - I hope the analogy isn't unhelpful in the circumstances! )

Lirael

I forgot that I got some replies to this post.
Ash, I am not planning to focus on how my former T was blunt and mean. Not at all. I am going to focus on the child parts of me that are hurting. My other T focused on the adult me, which is fine. I accomplished a lot in my therapy with her, and I am proud of it! But the child part is still crying and screaming to be heard.

I emailed my T a goodbye letter and she answered back. She was very supportive, and said "internal family systems" therapy is powerful, and she wishes me well. She says I am not "starting over" in therapy.

I am aware that I will be tempted to repeat the pattern of attachment to my new T. I've told her that already. With IFS, you learn how to care for the parts yourself. I hope it will work for me. My T seems experienced, and the technique is different. If we do EMDR, that's different too, and the focus is on ME, not my T.

Lirael: I don't think my behavior was manipulative. I don't think so at all. That's what is so confusing to me. I don't think I needed to be told "My 11:30 is here" by my T. I don't think I needed to be told that "borderlines do this; borderlines do that," and that I was weird for asking her to use person first language. I don't think it's right for her to say she spent 2 hrs. at my house, doing me a favor, when my father died, when my husband said it was about half an hour. I don't need those kinds of favors. I don't think a T should tell her client that they have a "neurotic attachment" towards them. She never told me how to soothe myself, just told me that I needed to do so.

I don't crave this new T, though I realize that could happen. She has given me 2 sessions of 1 1/2 hours each, so I haven't been wanting more when I leave. So far, so good. She will let me email, so I haven't felt the urge. When I'm allowed more, it's enough.

I strongly feel that if I process the child needs in the right way, and come to terms with my yearnings, and accept them in the way IFS works, I will be in a better place, with the child parts integrated into my adult self. It's my gut feeling that this therapy will help me.

Yes, I read Get Me Out of Here. I wish I had a T like that!

I really do want to end this destructive pattern. I don't want to fool around. If IFS therapy doesn't help, I have to radically accept that I'm done. I live my life the way I have been, with these unmet needs, just like I live with my allergies and other problems. But, I am going to give it my best shot right now. I think I deserve it!

It should help that you are entering this therapeutic relationship with more knowledge and understanding than you did with your past therapeutic relationship. You are at a different starting point this time.