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Hey guys, this is my first post... so earlier my bf said that I could hang out with him and his best friends tonight, but later when he got off the phone with his friend I decided to confirm his plans by asking something like... "so do you guys want some guy time?" he said yeah.. this really hurt my feelings because I thought I was going to be hanging out with him. He noticed that my mood changed..and he could tell by the look on my face that something was up. We have recently broke up twice within 3 weeks because of my inability to control my emotions. I don't want to deal with drama, but I lied to him promising him that I was ok. I just don't want to lose him and I know this sounds desperate but I don't want any other guy. I'm trying really hard right now to utilize the 10 ways to untwist my thoughts but negative thoughts of feeling like I'm disposable are getting in the way.
Can anyone give me some suggestions?

Hi Craighea,

I think the 4 agreements could be useful here:


Can you be 100% sure that your bf interpreted your question the way you meant it? To me, "guy time" could just mean time with the guys, with or without gfs present.

If you want to confirm his plans, it might be better to say something more direct like, "You said before I could hang out with you guys tonight, is that still OK?"

(Though IMO, if he's already said you can and for whatever reason changes his mind, it would be his responsibility to let you know that! Does he tend to go back on his word?)

Anyway, let's suppose he does want to spend time with his friends without you tonight. You said you feel disposable. Can I ask what is it that triggers this feeling - him wanting to spend time without you, or him changing his mind when previously he had said you could join them? It can help if you know exactly which thought you want to challenge - my T always advised me to go for the most upsetting thought.

When you've identified that, how about picking just one of the 10 ways to use. All at once can be overwhelming, especially if it's the first time you've tried to use them! I personally like #2... but let us know which one you go for and how you get on.

Lirael

Lirael,
Thank you soo much for your advice..I am just now reading it, but the night that I was all upset and down, I decided to text my bf while he was hanging out with his friend and told him how I felt. He wasn't angry that I lied to him, he just suggested that I open up to him more often and tell him how I really feel, instead of just keeping it to myself.
In terms of feeling disposable, i feel it most when he changes his mind or he "forgets" about plans that he made for us... even if its like hanging out at his house watching a movie.
I am going to try not to make assumptions.. but it gets so hard you know?

Thanks for your time.

Relationships are the hardest treasures to have aren't they? One minute you're up and high on life, and the next, your partner is bringing you down. There's nothing wrong with you at all! Understand that first and foremost. You're a normal human being feeling normal human emotions.

The first step to feeling differently is thinking differently. So how do you do that? We as BPD have the natural ability to focus on such negative things about ourselves, our environment, and the people in our lives. And I'm sure you're so used to hearing the same old advice from the same old people in therapy time after time again, and it never makes any sense. It may make sense at the time you're introduced to it, but in reality how easy is it to really use in everyday life when your therapist has never lived with BPD? You almost feel like the therapist is hypocritical and doesn’t really understand you.


Why focus on negative when you have positive to focus on? "Now you sound like a therapist making no sense to me", you're probably thinking. This is what I want you to think, because I'm in the process of shifting your mind; the BPD way it should be shifted.

Ok, so you're feeling these feelings of desperation when you're bf goes out with his friends and leaves you behind. What's so bad about that? Anyone would feel this way. At least you know you're human and you're alive when you feel this way, just like anyone else would, BPD or not. You're feelings are quite normal, so stop thinking in terms of the labels society puts on BPD.

Say this to yourself, as you're reading along, "I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but Borderline Personality Disorder does not have me". Now comes the shift in your mind, are you ready? Instead of feeling lonely and abandoned by your bf when he went out with his friends, why not recreate the situation with positive feelings of excitement and joy that you're going to see him again, soon.

Ever saw that scene in an old black and white movie when the woman is chasing the train her husband is on and you related to this feeling depicted in this scene?


Recreate the sene out in your mind and see it going a different way. You're bf tells you he's going out with his friends and he changed his mind to have guys night out. First, accept that the feelings you're feeling are normal girlfriend! Anyone would feel this way. Why should you be any different because society placed a label on you? Now, recreate the situation right then and there and replace the feelings of abdonment with excitement and love that soon he's going to walk through the door again.

So instead of saying to yourself, "I feel so bad that he's leaving me out, and I shouldn't feel this way because therapy says it's bad, but I don’t want to feel this way”, replace it with, “I know he’s going out with his friends and leaving me out. Yea it feels bad, but I’m human and anyone would feel this way, so how can I feel excited when he walks through the door again and not feel these feelings of abdonment and rejection”.

When you start to stimulate your mind to think differently, your mind will naturally follow suit. It will find the answer to the question you ask. Just ask the positive questions to your mind, and not the negative ones and you’ll be amazed at what you come up with.

“Insanity is truly defined as doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results”

I hope this helped.