Untwisting my reaction to an event~

Window · **Joined:** Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:20 pm **Posts:** 6

This is an event I usually witness every time I go to work.
Vagueness is used because the concept behind this event usually triggers me no matter the severity.

Person A makes fun of Person B, often to person B's face, about there dysfunction. Even though in my opinion person A and B have the same level of dysfunction just different types.
With attempts of me saying to person A "hey that's not nice" "you will get fired for saying that..etc ending in person A replying " well if they didn't act that way~ or ~ if they would just____ then I'd leave them alone" Person B does not defend them-self's just laugh at that moment and go almost suicidal within the next hour.

Sometimes I get horrifically angry some times I just mourn like someone just died then sometimes I get this uncontrollable laugh that sounds like a mad scientist laugh (no joke- it creeps my boyfriend out )

The best i can come up with for calming my self is that -this behavior from person A is their dysfunction talking and be glad it has only been directed at you a handful of times

oh and DUCK AND COVER!!! when they walk by.

Harmonium · **Joined:** Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:56 am **Posts:** 1465

Wow Window, this one is tough. I don't really have much experience with office politics.....I was hoping someone with more RL experience would chime in for you and maybe they still will. I can address some of what you said though:

Quote:

Sometimes I get horrifically angry some times I just mourn like someone just died then sometimes I get this uncontrollable laugh that sounds like a mad scientist laugh (no joke- it creeps my boyfriend out )

This sounds like a big exercise in boundaries and separation of stuff to me. Why do you get so effected when watching this happen to someone else? I get and identify with not liking to see others in pain or harmed........but if it is causing you so much personal grief why not protect yourself by emotionally distancing? You cannot now or ever control what others do or how they react to bullies.......it's tough though. You are not responsible for anyone's emotions but your own, and you can and will have to in this case control your own.

Quote:

With attempts of me saying to person A "hey that's not nice" "you will get fired for saying that..etc ending in person A replying " well if they didn't act that way~ or ~ if they would just____ then I'd leave them alone"

It sounds to me like you are dealing with a real A-hole. Why not carry on with your threat and go to HR or some other supervisor? I know that may make you feel less popular around the office.....but it really does sound like this situation is unhealthy for all concerned. It's not fair in my mind for one individual to be ruining the feeling of safety I think we all deserve at our work. Why not report the offending party? Would anything be done/ would there be repercussions for you? It seems you may be in the position of choosing the lesser or evils in this case.......report the A-hole and hope it works or continue witnessing the assault (maybe even bearing the brunt of it sometimes?).

Quote:

The best i can come up with for calming my self is that -this behavior from person A is their dysfunction talking and be glad it has only been directed at you a handful of times

I completely agree that the behaviour from Person A is totally about them and their dysfunction. However, that last bit about being glad it has only been directed at you a handful of times seems distorted to me in some way.......why care at all what this highly dysfunctional person has to say about anything? Why does whatever they might say matter at all? It IS about them, not you or Person B.

Seems to me that Person A is only doing this continually because they get a reaction from you and Person B-- it's a weird power-trip for them. Why not take away that power you and Person B are bestowing upon Person A by not allowing anything they say to affect you at all? Or....even laugh when they try to put you or the other person down (laugh at the dysfunction of Person A, not what they have said about anyone else)? Somehow, the power has to shift from them to you, IMO. ATM, it seems like you are a victim (as well as Person B).....but I've come to think we all choose our positions in life. I'm only a victim when I allow myself to be one. It's a choice, no matter what someone else is doing to me.

I do not think resorting to their level will help. Can you speak to the person in a very, very professional manner about their choice of behaviour? I feel like they want you to break down in some way and if you don't........well, it would be better for your own health right? You might still have to hear what Person A is saying, but if you don't take it personally it seems Person A would loose their power-trip. It's really NOT about you or Person B. Remember the 4 agreements.

I'm sorry, I'm really not much help for this one. I don't deal well with all the politics....I tend to just ignore stuff like this because the people I have met like Person A and just not worth it to me. Try rising above it; don't let Person A sink you to their level. You are a professional and this is not professional behaviour. As long as you are acting as such and doing your job....well, it doesn't give Person A any ammunition and can give you a sense of peace, I think.

Good luck. I hope other forum members chime in this thread too.

Harmonium · **Joined:** Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:56 am **Posts:** 1465

I'm sorry, I know I've already posted a long reply, but I found this on the internet and I thought it might help:

Quote:

1. When someone insults you, or remarks unfavorably about your looks or your clothes, just smile, and nicely say to the person, "You really think so?, I have been told my looks are very nice, but maybe I will have to change my hair style (or whatever they had made fun of)." Walk away. If you don't engage the person in a combative remark, he or she has nowhere else to go and has nothing else to say.
2. Remember that a person cannot fight or argue by himself. He needs someone to do this with. The only way anyone can hurt you is through physical contact. Words alone can only harm you if you allow them to.
3.
Just turn around and walk away
Just turn around and walk away
If he tells you "You are really dumb" (or something of this nature), just stand there and very nicely tell him, "Oh you think so? Well maybe I will have to study more." Then walk away, holding your head up high.
4. Try not to show your feelings if you are insulted or teased. The more you act hurt, the more the insults will continue. The goal is to hurt you, but if you do not show you are hurt, it will stop. Sometimes they will continue for a while, but if you just show you don't care, they will eventually give up.
5. If someone insults you as BEING someone you're not, the best way to diffuse that is to sarcastically and grossly play out the part of who they're telling you are. Most of the time, people who insult others for being something, they are most afraid of being called that same thing themselves. Acting up as that person and saying "Hey you're my best buddy too!" or "you know you're my lover, right?" will make them stop quickly, and people around you will know you are kidding if you are wildly acting it out. Just don't hurt anyone in the process...

Tips:

* Keep your cool when someone starts making nasty remarks to you or about you in your presence. Act as if he is not really hurting your feelings.
* Answering back with any type of retort will only make the situation worse. It is best not to reply at all, smile and walk away.
* When someone makes fun of the way you were doing something or if he/she makes fun of the way you were acting in class, just take that insult as a joke and laugh it off. Don't show that you were affected by the insult. This will, in a way, insult the person who is 'trying' to insult you.
* Remember, if it is a close friend, don't go runaway, make a funny comment back and if you can't think of one, just say, sarcastically "harshh."
* Remember: Annoy no one. If someone annoys you, get them to stop. If they don't, walk away.
* If someone says something, ignore them. If I was talking to a wall the wall wouldn't reply back so I'd get bored and leave the wall alone. If i was talking to the wall and the wall somehow talked back I would keep talking because I know I'll get a reply. Same thing with bullies.
* If you are a very hot-tempered person and don't respond well to teasing, it might be good to practice with a good friend who can help you to better respond to teasing.
* If your friends are the ones that usually tease you, step back and evaluate your relationship with them. Do they really mean to make you laugh, or make you feel bad? Perhaps if they tease you so much, you should stop being friends with them.

Window · **Joined:** Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:20 pm **Posts:** 6

thanks bunches !!!

Come to think of it A seems to relish in any attention~ ill try the "oh you think so" the next time it goes after me.

I have gone to HR I have only heard rumors of why nothing is being done to stop this. I also believe I do not carry any weight in office politics I got this job a year after i was diagnose with DID though I have mostly recovered over 3 ish years i have worked there I believe I'm still seen as not playing with a full deck. (nothing against my employer they treated me wonderfully this whole time)

<<<this sounds like a big exercise in boundaries and separation of stuff to me. Why do you get so effected when watching this happen to someone else? I get and identify with not liking to see others in pain or harmed........but if it is causing you so much personal grief why not protect yourself by emotionally distancing? You cannot now or ever control what others do or how they react to bullies.......it's tough though. You are not responsible for anyone's emotions but your own, and you can and will have to in this case control your own.>>>>

This might be what I have to do as well I really don't want to, being person B is very sweet though we are not friends

once again thanks bunches!

Window · **Joined:** Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:20 pm **Posts:** 6

oh wow this is mostly a separation of stuff -I hadn't read it- I decided to respond to your post first since im super forgetful

Thanks bunches i think i found my answer ~~~!!!!

BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Untwisting my reaction to an event~

Who is online