BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi all,

It's been a pretty wild ride for me in the last few months. Lots of changes - A move coming up, a promotion at my job, re-enrolling in school, and dealing with a relationship again after a big break. I am working on managing my stress level, but I've found that as a whole(and of course the new relationship) I am bypassing my healthy coping mechanisms in favor of old behaviors.

So I decided to reconnect with my T, look for a new DBT skills group. I've been doing a lot of pampering things to make me feel good, but not before letting myself depend on alcohol for awhile first. As far as booze goes, I was at a place where I could drink casually with no issues; A beer with dinner and no more, for example. But I started to use it again to cope with my stress, and I just do not like the way I behave on it. Every little emotion is heightened x50. I'm happy that it didn't take me long to realize that this behavior was 'dried up', so to speak. Never was an effective coping mechanism, wasn't right then, and never will be. Not to mention the fact that I can be a very angry drunk, and I do not trust myself intoxicated not to act out on my anger in really unhealthy ways.

My boyfriend and I are, on the whole, OK. I met him some months back. He knows about the BPD now, and that's been difficult for me. I offered him some of my books and literature for him to read if he'd like, and he took a genuine interest in learning about the disorder. He doesn't judge me as a whole but as an individual. But I was afraid that wouldn't have been the case. It turns out that his mother worked with borderline patients in the past - I of course conjured up the worst possible scenario, that she would tell him I was crazy and never would get better. But she is actually quite supportive, and non-judgmental.

It has still put a strain on the relationship for a couple reasons - A). I feel like those behaviors are EXPECTED of me. I know this is my thing here, and no one indicated they're waiting for me to act like an asshole. As strange as this may sound, I have to tell myself that this is NOT a license for me to engage in borderline behaviors, simply because I feel it's expected of me. B). I was fairly confident he would be understanding but as I mentioned above, that fear was always there - No it wasn't debilitating like it was years ago, but I did allow it to START me on a destructive path again, which I am nipping in the bud. C). There was shame surrounding the disorder and anger that I was not the one to tell him. He did eventually need to know(I feel), and there is a part of me who experienced genuine relief that that parts over with. So there is good even when the situation was out of my control. When this all came to light, he said he had been putting the pieces together from the other behaviors I spoke of before. He didn't know what it was, but he understood that I have been and am working on unhealthy behaviors. So I think the fact that I did that lessened the 'hit' of it, even though there were lots of questions. I don't feel angry anymore, because well...I cannot afford to hold onto a grudge. My energies need to be split 60 ways right now. There is no solid reason for me to stay upset about something that is already over with and beyond my control. Not only that, but plenty of good was able to come from it as well. We feel closer ever since, and I actually don't want to run away from that intimacy. It's really rather nice, and not intimidating. I do understand that there is not 100% security and stability - And I'm ok with that. Of course it would hurt and I'd be incredibly upset if we were to split, but I am at a point where it would not be the end of the world. I know I would be ok. I can form an attachment to someone who is not guaranteed to stay in my life, and enjoy it for what it is here and now, not dwelling like crazy on then and there, potentials, maybes(although I still do think about it - But I really am recognizing my growth from 5 years ago).

My major concern now is stress management. My body is hard as a rock, I've been getting panic attacks again, and been acting impulsively. I AM self-soothing and I think I need to do more right now. I also recently bought "The Angry Heart". I had seen it mentioned so many times here, I thought it may be worth picking up. It really is an excellent book, so I've been working through that as well.

So that's where I am at now. I came back because I never wanted a permanent break to begin with, and I didn't match my communication to my desire due to my emotions and frustrations. I don't think I will be around frequently till I get a good handle on managing my time and schedule , but I will be reading, benefiting and applying

Hey, Miyasa, it's good to "see" you and know you're doing pretty well. Congratulations on the promotion!

Having to deal with a number of life-changing things like moving and school and relationships can definitely bring on stress, even if it's all positive stuff. Hopefully once some of the changes have taken place -- and you've survived them -- the tension will subside a bit. But until then...

It sounds like you've made some good decisions -- reconnecting with your T, the DBT, the self-pampering. Recognizing that you're using alcohol in a negative way is a solid first step toward controlling that problem, whether it means cutting back or abstaining altogether. You didn't mention exercise -- I don't know where you live, and I know winter weather can make outside exercise impossible, but if you can do something physical at least a couple times a week I think it might be helpful. Even a temporary membership at a gym... something that gets you moving and loosens you up a little.

It sounds like your relationship is a real positive in your life right now, and that's a good thing. I'm sure the BPD stuff is still a bit of an elephant in the room, if not in terms of his knowing about it then because you both might be a little bit wary of when and how it might rear its head and disrupt things for you. And I totally get the shame bit -- that's always a big problem for me. But you are doing so many things right -- and well -- in your life, so you have a lot to be proud of too. But I really like the fact that you're not running from the intimacy of this relationship and seem willing to just walk along with him at a reasonable pace and see where it goes. That's healthy!

I really like The Angry Heart -- doing some of the exercises, a number of years ago now, was definitely unsettling for me at first, but ultimately helpful.

I hope you'll stay in touch with us -- you don't have to be here all the time, so pop in whenever you want to.

Hi Sari,

Thanks for responding, and thank you regarding the job promotion. I am really excited about it, it makes my therapy expenses so much easier to deal with.

I have to admit I'm lazy about exercising. I started dieting about a month ago and lost 11lbs so far, but that's all with diet changes and no exercise(other than my taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work). I come home and I am pooped. I can't seem to find a time where I am motivated to do anything physical. I suppose I could take maybe 15 or 20 mins to start with in the mornings where I go in an hour later to work...Just get up at my usual time instead of sleeping in(I will so miss that delicious sleep). That would aide in my little weight loss journey, too. I just have to get up and do it, that's all there is to it. No excuses, no farting around. And you're right, I know I feel better when I get my body in motion and that tension dissipates and is replaced with that nice, healthy little bit of soreness that happens when I start a new regimen.

My boyfriend and I read some articles together last night about communication and boundaries. It was a nice sort of bonding thing to do. It is a positive in my life even though certain areas stress me out, I guess I thought it was worse than it was. Putting it out there in words sort of put things in perspective for me. Yes, A, B and C thing happened, but then I did X, Y and Z. Thank you Sari, for the reminder. Sometimes I can really be blind to my own stuff(whether it is bad or good - especially bad, I have some NPD traits as well).