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My life has seen a lot of positive change over the last 6 plus months, and now I’m starting to see the people in my life in a different light, specifically the ones I’ve called friends. I used to speed so much time and effort to help other people, (as my way of justifying there being my friend), that now that I’m doing things that are in my best interest, many of them are not taking it well.

For example – last night I was invited over to a friends’ house for dinner. Early on, it became clear to me that I was there to help them plan their summer activities, (including guiding them on a few adventures), and assist them with making plans for their friends what would be coming to visit within the next month. They were shocked when I told them (that other them some advice), I didn’t know if I would have time.

In some ways I can’t blame them for asking, given that I’ve always bent over backwards to help everyone in this manner, but I just don’t feel like doing this anymore. It’s not that I don’t like helping people, I do. I just feel used, because for all the people I help, no one is there for me. I don’t get invited unless I bring something substantial to the table, or better put, they need me to make it happen.

I think this will just take time for some to adjust to and I’m sure that many of my so called friends will just need to go their own way, as they will struggle with my attitude; me first!

I still takes a take a lot of effort to stop myself from just saying yes. I just it’s just years of habit.

It can be difficult implementing a changing behavior/attitude with other people who may not fully understand. That said.......sometimes that pendulum we all face will swing wildly in the very opposite direction of the past before settling somewhere in the middle. Remember from Separation of Stuff that we try not to be all out for others or all out for just ourselves, but try to find that healthy grey area of interdependence. It takes practice living in that space.

I know this post has been here a bit, but I saw that you hadn't received a reply and I wanted to offer up my experience. If it's still an issue for you (for me this stage went on for a long time), I would recommend asking yourself the following questions (or something like them) next time you are faced with a situation like this (or maybe retroactively!):

Did they invite me over just to help or is that just a bonus?
Why do I feel used in this moment and what would alleviate it?
Have they ever helped me out when I needed it? Did I ask for help in that situation or was it simply provided?
How valuable is this friendship to me? What am I willing to sacrifice for it? What am I not?
How can I explain my feelings in a way they understand? Have I done that?
Am I owning my actions? My emotions? Who is?
What can I do to allow other people to be there for me too? Have I been doing that?
Am I looking at the bigger picture or focused too much in one spot?


I'm certainly not advocating a one-sided friendship........but do you invite people places and events because of what they bring to the table (in one way or another)? As in.....my friend J is really funny, whenever I need a laugh I call him up. For house-related stuff, I know a girl that LOVES that kind of thing so I might call her. When I throw a dinner or a party, I invite guests based on how close I am to them but also based on how their personality will mesh with each other, trying to take into account differences and preferences. I guess my point is I didn't realize that I sometimes choose who I invite based on what I need from them (not always, sometimes it's what I think they would enjoy or what help I want to offer them). It was really a subconscious thing until I looked closely. I'm just trying to say that this behavior is human-- we all do it to a certain degree.

I suppose the trick is trying to balance that-- helping others and finding a way for them to be able to help me too so that no one feels stepped on. Sometimes all it takes is to point out a discrepancy and ask for help. But....there ARE those friendships made in the thick of BPD behavior that just won't 'fit' once we find new legs. It can be difficult distinguishing, but coming from someone who lost many 'friends' while recovering from BPD....I dunno. Its nice to have friends. It takes a long time to build new relationships like that, so more and more I find I value those already existing. In fact, just last weekend I reconnected with old friends I had previously written off and much to my surprise was very glad I took that rebuilding baby step. Sometimes it just takes re-meeting those old pals and maybe time.

Thanks Harmonium for your insight. I can back to this post today, because I've been looking to balance my thoughts on being the giver in most of my friendships. I can see this is an area in my life that I would like to make some adjustments. But I can also see that my decision to drastically change directions was more a Borderline response then personal growth.


What I'm taking from this exercise/experience is that I can say yes, no, or maybe to whatever I want (weather I choose to help someone or not) and it's not the outcome from my decision that I have control over but only the way I see myself and value myself internally.


I'm the only one that can make me feel good or bad, it's my chose. Therefore if I choose to be helpful because I like the way it makes me feel that's OK, and if there are people or times where I don't feel like acting in this manner that's OK as well.


I can only control me.

lol - I'm a work on progress