How did I do it? Hmmmmm...... Lots and lots of self discovery and hard work. Honestly, there are things that I can pinpoint that have helped me so much get through my problems.
+++Several years ago I learned about ACT therapy, (acceptance and commitment therapy). That was like a revelation to me. To me, being able to say "I'm depressed and there may be nothing I can do about it" was very freeing. It helped me let go of the label I had given myself. I learned that if I feel an episode coming on, I can take it and work through it instead of fighting it.
+++I've always believed in education and always working towards a goal (has a lot to do with the fact that I LOVE change). I'm always taking classes and just trying to learn new things from photography to knitting to physics and electronics. None of which I'm very good at, mind you, but it's the fact that I try.
+++VERY IMPORTANT---- I am very sensitive to environmental factors. One reason I feel better is because I moved away from Michigan where there isn't much sunlight. I run or work out as much as possible. Running is actually one of the most important tools to my recovery. One thing that has been constant for the first time ever is this year I've been able to get out and run at least 2 times a week (for the most part, I recently hurt my back and have been unable to run for the last two weeks)
+++DIET is so important to me. Not that I'm a strict anything but eating more fresh vegetables and fruits and less meats and processed foods have helped me SO much. I almost never drink anything but water and un-sweet tea (and alcohol), eat meat or eat fast food. Some food preservatives actually trigger depressed feeling in me.
+++Diet pill make me very depressed, that took me a while to figure out. Antidepressants cause psychosis in me so I can't take them. Quitting smoking has improved my ability to handle stress. St. Johns Wart helped take the edge off when I was feeling depressed and irritable.
+++I've found a career field that I can be proud of and support myself with. It's not my dream job but it enables me to fulfill my dreams.
+++ I volunteer regularly, that's another big one. I feel fulfilled when I give back to the community. Everywhere I move I find an animal shelter to volunteer with and it makes me feel like I'm doing something good for someone or something else. It's hard to see these animals sometimes and I want to take them home (ALL of them) but I feel like I'm really doing something. When I get more "Settled" my husband and I are planning on fostering children and volunteering with the VA.
+++(This one might be hard for some people to stomach) I was pregnant as a teen and once when I was 20. I was not emotionally stable enough or sober to carry the child full term. I really believe that if I had gone through with any pregnancies I would not have recovered. The physical and emotional burden would of been far to difficult for me to handle. I'm sorry if anyone gets offended by that.
+++ I used to cut a lot. Now, when I feel that desperate feeling that I need to do it, I get a tattoo.
Nice tasteful tattoos look so much better than the oh-so-noticeable scars I have all over my arms.
+++ I learned that I do, in fact, have control over my temper. Being irrational, immature and rude to people makes me feel worse in the end. It took soooo much practice and I still get mad but when I'm angry at someone and am able to walk away from it, I let go and forget about the incident so much quicker than if I get mad and make the person feel bad about themselves.
+++ I've set realistic but important goals for myself. I don't want to be a millionaire, but I want to have the income to travel and make babies one day. I don't want to be model skinny, but I want to hike and maintain my health to do that. I don't want to be as popular as Kelly Kapowski, but I want meaningful relationships with people. I don't want to marry Brad Pitt, but I want my marriage to be fulfilling and successful. Some of these i'm still working on, but they're achievable and meaningful.
I'm still an alcoholic, I still have sexual problems. I still lash out for no reason at my husband (he's such a good man) at my friends, my cats. I still go crazy once and a while and scream my brains out but I'm managing it. I don't have days in bed anymore. I don't have hallucinations anymore. I don't have reckless sex anymore. I don't have suicidal feelings anymore. I don't' have delusions anymore. I'm still working but I feel at this point, I can say I've recovered. I will never ever ever be perfect but I think that thats an unrealistic goal for me to have.
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