BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hey everyone. I had an epiphany the other day, and I thought it might be useful to some here. I wasn't sure where to post so I picked the generic mental health section... please move if it's more appropriate elsewhere.

I've discovered that I had "What's Wrong With Me?" Syndrome. That's not a "real" name, I'm the first person I've heard use it (although I don't doubt it's been used before). In short, I have four official diagnoses: PTSD, GID, Bipolar II (although that one's in the air, justifiably, since the pros can't seem to agree on that one) and depression.

When I was 14 it was Anorexia and depression. Note that anorexia was a wrong diagnosis.

Now, heeeeere's where it gets sticky for me. Over the past five years, I've also self-diagnosed myself with GAD, dermotillomania, BPD, DPD, somatoform disorder, Asperger's, Adult ADD, and several others that I could probably think of if I sat here long enough.

A few days ago, it was a dreary, dark day outside. It didn't get to be "daylight" until around noonish-1PM because of the storm clouds. I noted that I have intense difficulty getting up and staying up in the morning since it's been darker longer, and I'm more moody during the winter months. "Gee, maybe I have SAD as well..."

That's when it hit me. For the last five years, I've been psychoanalyzing every bit of myself, trying to figure out "what's wrong with me?" It's almost become a neurosis in and of itself.

I'm not saying that mentality is BAD. When I first started doing it, it was very, very good. I was a destructive little shit, and keeping on my toes for "what's wrong" to rear its ugly head, and using some tools from BPDR, I managed to get it under control.

But really: there comes a time when "What's wrong with me?" becomes detrimental. Rather than keeping in mind that your logical mind doesn't always function right, you start to second-guess EVERYTHING you do. It's easy to buy into someone else's reality of you when you can't do anything without wondering if you're screwing up again.

So I guess what I'm saying is... don't hold onto the second-guessing forever. There does come a time when perhaps there's nothing else wrong. And I'm making a decision to actively combat that mentality.

In order for something to be a "disorder" it has to be impairing your life in a significant way. You may have traits or even fit the diagnostic criteria for a mental health diagnosis without it being a "disorder" because you are managing the "symptoms" in healthy ways.

An example I am thinking of for myself is that of alcoholism. In the past I was told that I am an alcoholic and would therefore never be able to drink again. I ended up in detox too many times and from there was court-ordered into treatment with monitored Antibuse (had to go see a nurse daily who watched me take the pill, until I got good enough at "fisting" it LOL). When I was told that I was an alcoholic, it was with the implication that I would always be an alcoholic and therefore could never consume alcohol in any amount for the rest of my life. Since then I have been able to drink alcohol, although I have a strong tendency to abuse alcohol if I am not careful. I certainly do not attend AA meetings and introduce myself as an alcoholic anymore! I do not think the term still applies to me, even though I still have the defining characteristics of an alcoholic.

As far as symptoms of SAD go, everyone in this part of the country has it because of the weather but that does not mean everyone is being treated for it, unless you consider consuming enormous amounts of caffeine daily a form of treatment! LOL There is actually a scientific reason behind it so it is not even in the mind. It has to do with the barometric pressure slowing down our blood flow, making us feel more lethargic with a bit of a depressed mood.

I think that sometime we are so quick to find fault with ourselves that we do tend to see ourselves as being "disordered" in some way and that can crush our hope of ever reaching a state of "normal" in our lives. Sometimes it is helpful to "normalize" our behavior in order to see that we are a work in progress just like everyone else this side of the afterlife.