BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Since joining the LDS Church, I've found that most members are loving, accepting, all around admirable people. They've answered my idiotic nit-picky questions with the patience of a true saint and all the love that Jesus told us to show our fellow man. The people in my ward are by far the best on the planet. Being around the women in the Relief Society has made me a better mother and person. Seeing the men gives me hope that not all men are complete assholes.
I've read the Proclamation of Family and agree with it. Being a single mother I know that there are things that I will not be able to provide to my children. Fiances will always be an issue. There will be struggles that I can't help my sons with as they grow into men.
This Sunday we watched a movie (it was on a DVD) about LDS Family Services. Mostly about the adoption services. Thank Heavenly Father that they have one. The message was a loving and gave a viable option to unwed mothers. I dearly hope that one girl watching will be able to hear that message and be able to make a choice with as much help as it available.
However, today I felt like I was less. That somehow my family doesn't really count. I'm divorced (for all purposes) and probably will not get married in this life. My youngest child is illegitimate. Not something I'm incredibly proud of but it is the facts of my life. My children are the biggest blessing of my life and I thank God everyday for them. In an effort to help make adoption the best option, they unintentionally discounted all other family units.
So I got up and left taking my illegitimate child with me and stood in the hall until it was over. My other options were to stay and listen (I'm not that big of a masochist) or stand up and scream obscenities at the screen (a rather pointless option and kind of rude). Someone had come out to see if I was alright (example of the goodness in my ward). She had said something about me being uncomfortable (she is an absolutely sweet person). I wasn't uncomfortable, I was pissed off (a state I often find myself in) in fact it made me more comfortable then I've ever been there. I was asked what I thought of it. Honestly thought of it.
Screw your message, I'm a good parent.
Thinking back, that wasn't fair. Nobody said I was a bad parent. God has set a standard in which He wants us to live. Like all sinners I've fallen short of His glory.
You can't pick and choose the doctrine you're going to live your life by. The standard is Man and Woman married in Temple. I promised to 'endure till the end'.
What it all comes down to is I feel guilty about the poor choices and I used that DVD to lash out at the most convenient place. I should frickin' get over myself and grow up.

Crap, didn't finish it.
So, my queation is how do you all handle twisted or extreme thinking while you are in the moment?

It's hard to do in the heat of the moment! I like to deal with my twisted thinking by writing things down, but that isn't always practical.

This may sound silly, but if I need a time out or feel too emotional to behave rationally, I go and sit in a toilet cubicle until I can compose myself a bit.

It definitely helps to practice untwisting my thinking at less heated, more convenient times, and then I'm more likely to remember and want to do it in the moment.

FWIW I understand your anger. As you said, none of us are perfect, and if a single parent gives their child up for adoption, the adoptive parents won't raise that child perfectly either, because no one does. :s

I don't know if the DVD was implying that single parents "should" give their kids up for adoption, or if it just touched a raw nerve for you, but I think your feelings are understandable, even if lashing out wasn't the best way of handling it.

None of us can change the past, we can only try to do our best in the present.

I hope that helps.

One possible way to find the middle of the road might be to say, "They endorse adoption AND at the same time they completely accept and support me and my children."

I also wanted to mention this:

Whenever I see self-invalidation I feel I should point it out. Consider being kind to yourself and validating your feelings in the moment through simple statements such as, "I'm feeling angry." Once you validate your own feelings it can be easier to untwist your thinking, because you aren't spending energy fighting yourself.

The worst pattern for me to break is reacting in the moment. It is extremely tough to think rationally when I am in the grips of a breakdown, all my thought processes are telling me the logical thing for me to do is breakdown, but in examining the experience later I see how irrational I was.

All I can say is yo keep yourself on guard for irrational emotions at all times. Evaluate strong emotions before acting on them.

I have a routine I go through if I am upset (posted a topic on it here somewhere), but I can't exactly pull out a piece of paper and start scribbling things down (my method involves writing a lot of stuff down, stopping and examining the situation from all sides, etc) in front of my boss, or my dad or something. So if they are saying something and I am getting worked up, all I do is think to myself of the soonest moment I will be able to go through my routine, and then promise myself I will if I need to at that time.

Usually by that time I have cooled down enough to go on rationally, but if I am very upset, I take a little time out to work through my problems.