BPDRecovery.com: Forums

This little ditty is primarily for the many new folks who've joined in the past month or so who are facing the nightmares of BPD and wondering if cure or recovery is possible and what it looks like and how we might know it when it happens.

This story is not really about the hard mechanical skill building work of CBT or DBT, although that's indeed how I got to this place and I'm sure it would not have happened without all that work. The story is about how the "values" we hold about our behavior choices seem to change almost without knowing or seeing it.

In a file folder labeled "Counseling" there are a number of documents written by my ex-wife and me. Her contributions go back to her work before we married and do offer a hint that her reactions this time were not entirely unique to us,but were part of some long held thought and behavior patterns. But this is not about her, it's about me, the crazy as a bedbug BPD Beeper one.

In September, 2005 which was four months after our marriage and 16 months after our reuniting, our T gave us an assignment to write down our perspectives about a series of events over the course of a weekend that had caused a good bit of stress and fussin'.

Since she filed for divorce in April, 2006, I've come back to this file and particularly these two documents many times, trying to make sense out of what happened. I just could not understand how someone would call my behavior about this mistreatment or characterize it as symptomatic of an illness. So each time I'd drag this stuff out, while I was making some seriously good progress with recovery work I'd read them and think something like... "well, yes... there it is... it makes sense to me... how could she think of this as mistreatment"... every time. Likely twenty times. Same reaction.

Yesterday was different. I read her narrative first. It was largely about things I said and how they felt to her and how it seemed I was misinterpreting most of what she said. Then I read mine. My reaction was.. "this thinking is totally insane!" It really was. Painfully self centered, defensive, and nowhere near rational. I really have no idea how I could have said these things.. 'cept it was the BPD talking. Crazy stuff. I have no idea who that person was or is.

So, what's that mean for you? Recovery is possible. If I now see that thinking as horribly unhealthy, then some form of healthy happy living is truly a prospect for me and those I love.

Work, work, work. And then nice little surprises like this happen.

This has been happening to me too.... but when the actual event is happening. I went through months of arguments with my bf... and now there is hardly any arguing. I am catching myself in the process. I can flip back-and-forth, and it seems to happen with a feeling, but I can end that thought process with a little switch in perspective. I'm realizing that the bpd perspective I have, isn't something he can understand, but what he does understand, I didn't. And I am coming his way more and seeing how I was thinking and acting. There is something to be said for a bpd perspective, in that he won't ever be able to share it with me. It seems that I have a lot of empathy for others who are mentally ill, or in certain situations. I know things a lot of others can't understand. The people I knew did, in their own ways, meet me there. But I am seeing his perspective, and a more healthy perspective, as being more true for me. I'm no longer seeing ONLY what I saw before. I'm seeing it from a pov that is more action-based, analyzing of another's actions, thoughts, decisions, and words, and what I think about them, including myself. It's nice. I'm not having the problems I did with taking things personally as often, and I'm not thinking they are doing things because of me. I'm not assuming all those nasty things I did before. I'm gaining a little strength, I think.

So glad to hear you are experiencing some nice surprises, as well. Thanks for sharing.

Also, I want to emphasize: my stuff wouldn't be happening either if I hadn't worked, worked, worked at trying to understand other people's perspectives. Giving them a chance to explain and be understood. Reading, and reading, and listening, and trying to get it. Despite all the stupid shit I did and said, and how bad and awful I might have felt about anything anyone else did and said, or what I did and said, getting up and doing something different. Plowing on despite bad feelings or thoughts. Giving them a chance to prove they weren't all bad. Stepping WAY out of my comfort zone. Doing and saying things I find to be stupid, bizarre, and/or not me. Thinking hard about it, a LOT. At some point, I began to see the greys, and their perspective. I still think bpd. I still think bpd a lot of times. But I can catch it and turn it around, and try to gain an understanding of where the other person is coming from. Also, a gaining of a sense of self. Of knowing that one is capable of doing what they need to do, despite the indecency in actions it may take to believe that. And then at some point, I saw that I wasn't ever really any more indecent or despicable than the next guy. That the things I thought were indecent or "mean" were really just things normal people did. Strange how I could go through life thinking normal things were mean or sick.

Imho, bpd is a perspective, a way of thought. A LOT of healthy people have no understanding of where bpd's are coming from, any more than bpd's have an understanding of them. It's up to us to somehow bridge the gap, they don't need to. But I will say, most "normal" healthy people, I was threatened by when I was full-on bpd. Lucky for me, my bf was able to bridge that gap, because he is extraordinary.

That's great, IBF!! Thanks for sharing....this would make a good sticky!

I have experienced growth not only through DBT and CBT, but through 12 step programs, which encourage us to take a hard and detailed look at how we contribute to situations. I've learned a lot about boundaries and detachment from those sources.

I too am realising that while I still have problems, I am mostly happy these days. There were times I thought I could never be happy again. I worked here and in some talk therapy and I used anti-deppressants for awhile to get me to the point that therapy could help.

Thanks for sharing, Aqua,Ann and Kari. It's nice to hear of your successes. We're a long way from Happy Days, but we're also a LONG way from where we started.

So True.