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Hi

I dont know whats going on. For the past few weeks I have felt happy and most aspects of my life are going well. I feel really angry and uneasy about this and want to be sad again. I dont understand, it seems so silly but feeling sad and angry is how I've always felt and I miss it. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm feeling quite lost and I want to hurt myself because I dont like it. Confused?!

Thanks
Jess

Sometimes we get so used to feeling sick, that healthy feels unnatural. What you're going through is very normal, I used to wait for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong, so I could say or think, "see I kNEW i shouldn't have felt happy." I'm starting to trust myself a bit more, getting used to the idea of being healthy. I went through some things last year that really showed me how far I've come, some RL sits that anyone would find stressfull, and I survived them without a bad episode.

Take a glance at the 10 forms of twisted thinking, I believe one of them is fortune telling. Thats what I used to do. Remember, its OK to be and act healthy. It's OK to be happy. Write it on posted notes to remind yourself that it is OK.

My bet would be that you're so accustomed to bad things following the good, that you're living in a state of anticipation of "the other shoe to drop" which is causing anxiety and uncertainty causing you to feel unsettled and bothered which is leading to the anger and desire to return to the sadness where you know (from experience) happiness will follow.

Either that or you feel unworthy of feeling happy and there's an inner voice continuing to tell you that you're not supposed to be happy, it's angry that you're happy because it's still upset, hurt, angry and wants you to be too.

Or it could be a chemical imbalance or the phase of the moon or sleeping funny at night causing a dull cramp which is making you cranky even though life-things are good.

It could be any number of things but only YOU can determine where it's coming from, why it's there and what to do about it. You know yourself better than we do. I'm just throwing random guesses out there for consideration. Discard whatever doesn't jump out at you ...

Thank you both for replying. I guess I am just not used to this. I cut myself, the first time in 6th months yesterday because I am so angry about being happy. I guess I am concerned because everything seems so wonderfull and nothing is bad....but is this b&w thinking or am I actually getting better? When I saw my T I had nothing to say because everything was good, the voices were quiet, I felt calm and there was no point in me being there. It felt as if I had never had a bad moment in mylife. I still feel like that now even though I hurt myself. I am worried because I will stop seeing my T if I keep feeling happy and the past may bite me on the ass in the future.

Not sure if this makes sense.

Thanks again
Jess

Do you have another T appointment scheduled?

If you look back at your past, can you identify typical areas where you'd get tripped up? For me, I'd come unglued if someone made a comment that seemed to imply they were done with me or abandoning me or rejecting me. If you can review past incidences where things weren't so happy, you could talk to your T about ways to proactivately address situations like that.

Would something like that help?

I would suggest discussing your feelings with your T, as he is the one who knows you and has gone through the sad times with you, I presume. No one's life is perfect, so there will probably be times when you don't feel 100% wonderful. Maybe you feel you're just on a high, and will swing back low again? It is more likely you will soon feel just normally "good", and not angry about feeling good. If you aren't at that place yet, there is still work to do in therapy, especially if you felt the need to cut again.

How long have you seen your T? Does he have an "open door" policy, so that if you end therapy, you can come back if you need to? If so, then you don't have to worry about not being able to get help if you need it in the future.

I also would suggest talking to your T about this, especially the cutting. I know from experience that cutting ususally isn't the problem, but a symptom of a problem.

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply to me, its very much appreciated.

I have been in therapy for 2 years but have only see this t about 6 times but feel very comfortable talking to her. Next session I will tell her about the cutting as I havent done it in so long. Its all wierd because although I feel happy I keep wanting to burst into tears for no reason what so ever. I cant figure this one out at all.

Thanks
Jess