BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I realized today that there are some posts where people asked questions, and received quite a few replies, but they never came back to the posts. It seems that most of these people are newer to this community. I wonder why they never come back and post about the replies they're given. I wonder if they don't like what they read, or if they lost interest. I think it's wonderful that people here take time to give carefully worded replies, and it's kind of sad that the people never come back. Just something I thought of. I don't know if this is the right forum to put this in either. It can be moved if need be.

I think some people sign up just so they can post that one specific question rather than having a true desire to join the community. More often than not, they are interested in immediate gratification at the instant they post. If they don't see a reply in the first ten minutes, they move on to the next community and join there to post for immediate gratification, forgetting all about their account and post here.

I think other people don't like seeing the responses they get. They may have posted expecting that the majority of folks will agree with them. They post with the expectation of a "feel-good-fest" and when they encounter replies filled with truth, reality, insight and differing views from their expectations, they lose interest because it's not what they were after.

I also think that we can be a bit "much" for some people. The amount of thought, the volume of words, the challenges we provide in our posts can be more than a bit overwhelming for a lot of people who are new to the concept of recovery, much less this "mob" of strangers.

It's tough to know how much to put forth to a new person. If we say too much, we're overbearing. If we hang back and wait til they get more comfortable, we're ignoring them. That said, I think we just keep doing what we've always done. If they're ready for all that we have to offer, they'll usually hang in there, tough it out and stick through the threads they start.

Thanks Ash. I just noticed there were a few of those posts, with quite a few replies. The replies were all well-thought out and it's sad that people took time and effort to post them and not have the first person come back and acknowledge that. But I do understand what you are saying. I guess it's just the name of the game here. Thanks!

i agree BG. it, to me, is disrespectful. that said, maybe they lost internet. maybe they just got busy. maybe they freaked and couldnt make sense.

many reasons,,,,probably.

maybe most having nothing to do with the board at all.

but i think, part of healing maybe, if one posts, one should try to be respectful and acknowledge the replies.

that said, it probably isnt reality and is my idealism coming up again. i find the majority of selfish people just amazing, every time im faced with it.

There is another possibility...maybe they DO come back and read what we respond with and then they need time to process that. It doesn't mean that they are rejecting what was said or that they don't want to participate, just they need to do it in their own time. Some of these concepts can take time to sink in, especially for someone new to CBT or BPD or therapy in general. Just because they don't post a response does not mean they haven't read the reply given to them. Maybe they liked the reply they recieved but didn't know how to respond so they just decided to try to follow the advice/thoughts given without thanking or even telling us so. Isn't this just as possible as the other outcomes?

Just a thought.

speaking for me only,

that is just far from my beliefs, i have a hard time with it. i was raised, and believe in, manners. respect. acknowledge someone spent time on answering us, (like you do) at least.

but i cant put my own beliefs on another, and thus i just have to learn to accept some, many, are just ....ummm....themselves and dont let it impact whether i reply to someone or not.

but i can still feel its rude...haha. we wont ever know the "whys" unless someone comes back and tells us.

hope you got lots of pennies, H. we are certainly putting in our 2 cents! lol.

i think this silence bothers ME because its too akin to my own... errrrr... dysfunctional people in my life. they do that and it annoys me to no end. so i learned to just state how i feel...ie...my paranoia thread, and not own their behavior as much. hard work. to not feel invalidated, to not "expect" anything.

im not sure people shouldnt expect things........in some ways..........at least a "i dont intend to answer you" even!

shit, im back to honesty.

i go in circles! i value honesty soooooo much because i have had so little in my life. it is another way of setting a boundary, to know where each stands in the scheme of things. i think when we are left hanging, we might feel a bit afraid.

What Harmonium says relates to something I was thinking, as something that might be the case for some folks. Maybe they just don't realize they should say something. Maybe they don't think to say "Thanks for responding, I've read the responses and am giving them some thought.". I don't think it's always that, but it could be some of the time. Some folks honestly don't think of doing things like that.

Bingo - that's a perfectly good reason! That and the demands of time in real life. Priorities, priorities, Whoops! Change of plans! Hope I can get back to that soon...

Why choose to see it as some sort of personal rejection?
Why think it has ANYTHING to do with yer own self worth?

I'm a known conversation starter. I'll bring up a topic to post my musings, see if it resonates with anyone. I'm more curious about the thoughts of others than I am needing any advice. Depending on what's else is brewing out in the "real world", I may or may not get back to it. It's not about "I don't like that" or "I hate that person". I'd like to get back to them. I really would. If I only posted when I KNEW I would have lots of time to reply to everyone, I'd probably never say anything. Life's too unpredictable.
I'm also something of a conversation closer, too. I've seen plenty of times when I post a comment to a thread and the thread dies right there...Even better, when there's lots of drama going on, and i try to post some idea that I think may help - and everyone carries on like I never said anything...
That's not about me. That's about whatever is going on with the people in that thread.

All of your replies are great! I dont' think these people are being rude. I know I have gone onto websites and posted and then never come back. I just didn't have a lot invested in the site. I think many of us here ARE invested in BPDR but others aren't. It's not that important to them. I don't look at it as being selfish, I just think it's sad that they get these great replies and it goes nowhere. They never follow through with the conversation. Maybe they dont' care, maybe they're scared. We'll never know. But at least the people here are nice enough to post replies. I think that's great!

I know for me, life gets busy and I go to read the replies and get side tracked and then figure a few days later that its 'old stuff' and people have moved on in here. For me, its not intentional. I have manners and am polite but sometimes school work or just life in general take over. Then sometimes i do not know how to respond to something someone said. and rather than getting into something big and dreaded, I just leave it alone.

Just because someone isn't posting replies, doesn't mean they aren't reading the threads though :O)

Roo

This may be off the subject a little, but it's the same idea when I start threads and don't get responses. I know all the reasons, and they are good ones, but it's still nice to be acknowledged at least. Some people are more sensitive to not having their replies or their original posts responded to. Others have busier lives or different needs. It's all part of the "not taking anything personally" agreement. I have to work on that because I do feel hurt when not responded to.

I think many of us feel we are "owed" responses. Maybe because we always get responses from our Ts or our friends. But this isn't therapy or RL. We all CHOOSE to be here, so can choose to reply or not to reply, and choose which posts to answer and which not to. It's not like we are standing next to someone in a conversation. Then it would be rude not to reply.

well BG, i belong to a goldfish forum and it happens there also.

someone posts that their fish is dying, mods and people post tons of help, questions, and such and they never answer.

its not here, its probably part of the internet world.

like minx, i can talk to a stump. i tend to still expect others to think like me and i must be reminded everyone doesnt.

maybe its just a lot see only themselves, and have no idea others added their input and time, or dont care. i find many in the world do this, its all about them. life is tons about others, their views, their perspectives, but sometimes many dont see that. its all about them, right down to when the light turned red and their late.

to me, it also means they arent serious about what they posted. maybe they cant sit down and work on it, maybe they just dont want to, who knows. few actually say why, or own the responsibility. some do and i applaud those.

probably a huge mesh of all this and more.

as was said, life is busy. however, its up to us to triage our lives and make time for what we choose to. i cant quite see how asking a place something and then never acknowledging it is helpful....but...oh well. long as i dont do it, and dont worry on others who do, its cool. my choice to respond to threads and if someone never answers, oh well. their loss..haha.

As I said, I've gone on other sites, posted something and never came back. Whatever it was, I didn't take what I wrote seriously enough. I'm sure that if and when these people are really interested, if they are, they will make the time for it. I know here, on this site, I take what I write very seriously and am thrilled and happy when people respond. I try to follow through with responses. I appreciate all responses. Maybe the people who originally wrote found a different forum and went there instead, in the meantime. Who knows? I applaud everyone here who takes the time to respond, even if the original poster never comes back.

Something else. I think people here are more apt to respond to people who are serious about their recovery and using the Tools, or whatever, to get better. I know since I have been doing better I get more responses to the posts I write. I'm not patting myself on the back - I just see the pattern. Again, I know I'm not 100% better, but I feel I have come a long way since last year or the year before.

Threads like this always strike a nerve with me (mea culpa).

I'm not sure this one has been listed: fear. Social interaction is social interaction and I'm frightened of people. Deeply. If I expend all my balls on just making the post, well...

(I'm working on it.)

I have seen situations where someone posts and expects an immediate reply and other situations where someone posts and then does not seem to have any interest in the thread afterwards. I have found it works best for me if I don't get immediately involved with people I don't know well enough so I prefer to have some "getting to know you" time before I invest myself too much into another person's recovery. When I first join a site, I spend my time reading posts made by other people long before I ever post my own. Likewise, when someone joins here I tend to read their posts for awhile before I feel comfortable enough to approach them with my own ideas.

It is hard to know what people are looking for and whether I can provide that for them before I know them very well. There have been a few times now where someone has twisted my words so far from my original meaning that I have backed away and allowed others to step in because I don't have the energy to invest into someone who can't accept my words at face value. If someone indicates they want ideas but then demonstrate that they are not really open to ideas, then I am a bit reluctant to share my ideas with them in the future. I guess it comes down to how willing a person is to listen that determines how willing I am to share my ideas with them.

There are times I think I will relate to someone and then I learn that they are not the kind of person I thought they were at first. Then there are also times I relate to someone better over time, as the person demonstrates some willingness to use the tools and take responsibility for their life choices. Not everyone is at that place when they first come here and it is good that they recognize that rather than hanging out here for years until they finally start to get it.

I am far more likely to spend time responding to someone who I believe will understand my message. If someone has demonstrated that they have difficulty understanding new ideas and they are easily confused by too much information, then I know it would not be helpful for me to create additional challenges during their settling in period (which may last years for some people). I tend to have an overall impression (bias) that people who do not communicate effectively in their own writing are not likely to appreciate my writing style so I do tend to avoid people for longer if there are some obvious indicators that they are not very skilled at written communication.

I think that at any time we choose to respond to someone, we need to be able to put our words out there and not expect anything in particular in return. It is hard to say when someone will gain something from something we have said but if we have been true to ourselves, then it won't matter what significance our words have once they leave us.

Thank you for such a great post Denim! I appreciate what you wrote about how people communicate. I have a bias about that and I may have to alter that. I was trained as a secretary (worked over 40 years) and am an excellent typist (90 wpm). I also have excellent spelling skills. So I tend to be biased towards people who type and spell better than others. I try to overlook mistakes because not everyone is a skilled typist and speller. I have to remember to look at the content, not the form. I went through a very rigorous training at school. Later on, I worked for United Way at a time when there were no computers. After the campaign was over, we had to type all the thank-you letters from scratch (over 500 letters). And with not one mistake! So I had to learn to be a very speedy, accurate typist. But as I said, I have to overlook how people spell and type, and just look at the words they are trying to convey. I'm getting better at it every day.

some of us are very skilled typists and / or spellers. for me, this is type and i just dont care to always use it.

dont judge a book by its cover, it is said.

you never know who is behind the type or why they dont use perfect english or perfect typing on here or online.

my imperfect typing causes some to underestimate me,(never a bad thing to have happen). i can be very proper when i have to. i just dont choose to on here or in chat.

"""" So I tend to be biased towards people who type and spell better than others. I try to overlook mistakes because not everyone is a skilled typist and speller."""" i appreciate you do this but i caution you they may be very good typists or spellers. they be extremely intelligent in some ways, no one is intelligent in every way. my son is extremely dyslexic but has a very high IQ and is extremely smart.

i like being underestimated. i think he does also. its easy for others to do when they judge by a cover, and not the inside.

I dont' judge people's intelligence by how they type. I just have a problem because all that stuff was drummed in my head at school and my jobs. My H types with 2 fingers and can't spell worth a damn, but he has more "proper" education than I do. I used to work for doctors who couldn't spell. It's not a personality thing either. As I said, it's something I have to learn to ignore because of what I went through with school. I was trained to have to be 100% at spelling and form. Otherwise I wouldn't have graduated or gotten a job. That's just the way it was back then. So it sort of stuck in my head, whether I wanted it to or not. Just something else for me to get over. I didn't say that to make anyone feel bad and I apologize if I did. It's just something I have to deal with. Please accept my apology.

I don't judge a person's intelligence by the way they communicate as much as I judge their effort. I think most people have been taught in school to communicate effectively in writing but not everyone seems to have learned what they need to know to be effective (perhaps due to a learning disability) or makes the choice to use the skills they learned. It is usually those who communicate ineffectively who blame others for misunderstanding them so I tend to stay away from trying to figure out what people are saying when they lack the ability or desire to make themselves clear. I assume that it is not worth my time and effort to make sense of their writing style if it is not worth their time and effort to make sense to others!

Most people have the ability to spell well enough to be understood and they have the sense to look up words they don't know how to spell. My older daughter has dyslexia so her spelling is terrible and always will be but she at least uses what she learned in elementary school by using correct punctuation in her writing. She also has me proof read things, such as her job applications and resume, because she understands that potential employers will throw her application away if it has errors that should have been corrected if she wants the job.

People who communicate effectively are often seen as more intelligent so people are more likely to want to know their ideas about things. When someone communicates using "baby talk" or a bunch of rambling run-on sentences that lack any structure at all, people are not as likely to value that person's opinion as much because it can come across as a sign of ignorance. It is not that one person is more intelligent than the other, it is just that one person comes across as more intelligent or more dedicated to getting their message across. There are plenty of people who have written books with a co-writer that can take the person's ideas and present them in writing in a way that people will want to read and understand.

I think we're getting away from the original topic. I think I'm through with this post - thanks for all of your replies!

I hope you all don't mind another post on the original topic. It's actually a thought that was inspired by Bordergirl's post saying she's done with this thread.

If the person doesn't come back and post, we don't know if they still need feedback.

Not so big a deal on the general topic type threads. That is, when the discussion is oriented on the topic, rather than on helping the original poster.

But, when it's a "I'm looking for help with my problem" sort of thread, and they don't post again, we don't know if they still need feedback, or not.

Not that it's a simple either or. This thread is kinda in between, for example. But, basically, the more a post is aimed at a particular individual, the more I'd like to know if they still want/need feedback before I post.

I followed you right off topic so I wasn't thinking about my reply being off topic when I posted. Thank you for the reminder to stick with the original topic.

I will also say that I agree with Ellen that unless someone says "I'm through with this post" it is hard to know that they no longer welcome replies to the thread and someone may continue to post, not realizing that the person they are responding to does not want to continue with the topic of discussion they brought up in the first place.