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I am trying. Making it to work, although I can never seem to get there at 8 but that’s not new. My t referred me to Dr. Salman because he is supposed to be good with depression issues. I called Dr. Salman and talked to his nurse. He isn’t taking new patients but she said she would ask him for a psychiatrist referral, so I did make progress on that part. I’m pretty sure it is official I’m depressed now, although I’m fighting hard against it. I wake up and feel so incredibly sad for no apparent reason. All I want to do is go to bed and stay there, and then I get mad at myself because I know I’m just wasting time. I’m worrying about everything. I’m forcing myself to eat, but it is truly hard to find energy to do much of anything. And of course, the suicidal ideation is there, although I recognize that that is what happens when I get depressed and I have no intention on acting on those desires.

And I’m wanting to escape reality more, which is never a good sign. At least I’m trying to escape reality in healthier ways, i.e. instead of drinking or smoking pot I’m watching a Bones (tv show) marathon. I just feel so incredibly sad and anxious. I know this will go away because feelings are only temporary. I just wish I could speed up the process some times. So, what do I do? Try to use distress tolerance skills perhaps in order to get through what I’m feeling. I’m trying to stay in the moment but when each moment seems to be coated with a layer of sadness, it is hard to be okay in the moment. I think I have to just white-knuckle it, reach out and go to things like the dance class even though I get anxious because I haven’t been before and I don’t know anyone. It just sucks to be honest. I white-knuckled it and went to a play in Aspen over the weekend – I was trying to get out and usually I love the theater. It was okay, at least I went but I didn’t really enjoy it. I keep trying to remind myself that my perspective defines my reality and that if I can just keep or re-find a healthier, more positive perspective than I’ll feel better. I think my t is right though, when you are depressed, it is like there is a filter over everything and it colors your perspective.
Any tips or techniques for how others handle depression would be greatly appreciated. Is it unrealistic to think I may be able to short-circuit the depression? Maybe I'm supposed to radically accept? What Iwould like to do is find something (med adjustment, whatever) that will make everything feel less black.

Feedback appreciated.

Congratulations on figuring out a way to work through the depression despite feeling sad and anxious. I think one way to work through it is to continue to talk to your therapist. If you can get a med adjustment, that might help too. Sometimes we become tolerant of certain medications and making a slight change can help us through a rough patch.

I think it's great that you watched at TV marathon. It is okay to sometimes escape reality by watching television.

Thank you for the response.

Sorry your feeling so down Pip. *hugs*

Ya know.......I used to try to avoid my sadness at any cost, usually using drugs to mask it. But really, sometimes the only way out is through. By that I mean......maybe it would be a better idea to FEEL the sadness-- let it all out. Really feel it through and through (but don't act on it!). It probably won't feel okay or alright, but at least you will be facing it rather than avoiding it.
Sadness or depression can be a sign, at least for me, that I'm just not satisfied or happy with something going on in my life. It's usually something I can tweak or adjust (simply) and then I'm just not quite so sad anymore. Or at least when I tweak whatever it was, I have hope again. What I'm trying to say is if you can be specific about what's getting you down, then find a way (plan/goal set) to change whatever that is-- I think depression can be a signal from your body that something in your life needs reinvigoration. Find that something and 'fix' it!

Mindfulness and meditation/yoga really work wonders for me. As well as using all the tools in the tool box-- especially untwisting, the 4 agreements and separation of stuff. I don't think it's unrealistic at all to 'short-circuit' depression. I just think that, like your T said, depression can kind of 'cloud' everything so seeing that other perspective is difficult when your in that head space. Using a gratitude journal really helps me-- write down something every single day that you are grateful about. Even if it's something mundane like having a good hair day or the fact that you can walk today, those things add up. Then, on your low days, being able to look back through that GJ and seeing all that you have to be pleased about......well, it really helps me keep my sadness in perspective.
Also......sometimes I'm depressed just because I'm bored. Getting out that excess energy through exercise (even when I don't feel like it at the time) always, always, always makes me feel better emotionally. Also, things like getting enough sleep and exercise and food choices can all effect those neurotransmitters (what the meds effect), so it's kind of a 'natural' way to boost the feel good ones. At least for me.

And yeah, I agree that sometimes using the TV to distract is good-- everything in moderation! I also do think it is a good idea to 'white-knuckle' the getting-out and doing things that you once enjoyed. It may not be the same at first (like your experience at the play), but like any other habit, doing it repeatedly will make it easier. Soon and with enough practice, you won't have to 'white-knuckle' it-- you may even look forward to it! And really, staying at home and just feeling blue doesn't do anyone any good (other than the above mentioned feeling your emotions thing). Try to get out and find things that you enjoy, even if it's really difficult at first. I think you will be glad you did!

As always, take what you like and leave the rest. I do hope you find a way to shift from "I'm depressed" to maybe "there's a lot I have to be thankful about". For me that simple mind-shift is sometimes enough to jump-start my way out of a depressive episode. All my best.

Thanks H for all of your words of wisdom. They are sincerely appreciated.

I hear ya that there are times when we need to process and stay with our emotions. Sometimes, though I don't think there are necessarily issues but just the depression. For instance, I know that every November through February, I tend to get depressed. It's the SAD thing I think. So every year I take precautions like being on an antidepressant and I have a rule that I have to have one fun thing a month during that time span.

I usually can tell when it is the depression i.e. chemicals in my head getting out of wack but who knows? Maybe it is a combination of both, since I do have both diagnosis - chronic depression and bdp.

I'm working and making progress on my plan to go to graduate school. I'm check marking off the baby steps, and I am almost there. And I still feel sad.

I like the idea of writing a daily grateful list because maybe it can help short-circuit the depression episode.

For today, I am grateful that the sun was shining. I am grateful that I got to watch a show I liked on tv. I am grateful that I bought a new lipstick(self-care) that I like and was complemented on. I am grateful that I have a job which allows me to pay my bills (although honestly, it is hard to keep the resentment out of the job one because of the job. I digress. I am grateful that I made it to the library on Sunday and actually did get a lot of grad school stuff done. I am grateful that therapy is tomorrow. I am grateful that my co-worker is being nicer to me. And, although I didn't really want to, I am grateful for the extra money I will bring in by working so much overtime.

I dunno. Thanks everyone for the suggestions and for listening as always.