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I wasn't sure where to put this post. There's a lot inside of me that needs to come out I think.

Major change is coming my way, which is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I"m training my replacement at work and still working a lot of overtime to attempt to save money. Less than three months to grad school starts and I"m feeling a bit overwhelmed with not only the thought of change but of the logistics.

Been using a combo of unhealthy and healthy coping mechanisms. I have noticed that the last five-six times I've gone out to the bars, I"ve been blacking out and not remembering what happened the night before. This is a huge red flag and my fear is that the next thing I know I"ll be out of control again like I was years ago. Years ago, I put myself into rehab for that reason - partying too much. I know there are major bpd contributing factors - my stress level is increased, massive change, etc., loss of the structure of therapy, massive change (lol had to mention it twice because it is a huge trigger for me).

I got the teaching assistantship for graduate school. I thought I would be the assistant but it turns out that I will be the teacher of freshmen undergrad students. I think this one is terrifying the most. I feel like I have a relative handle on the whole moving thing, and even going back to school for the first time in eleven years, but then to throw this teaching assistantship thing on top of that is really freaking me out. I have no teaching experience. I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I have no idea about lesson plans or any of that jazz.

I made a therapy session for Wednesday. I know that t doesn't want me to use therapy as a crutch but in this instance, I think it really is asking a lot, its just asking too much of me right now. I can't deal with this amount of change without the stability and structure of therapy. So, I"m going back and at some point I"ll figure out how to pay for it.

Thankfully, tennis started so that will be a health coping mechanism for me.

I can't even tell what I am right now. I can't tell how I"m feeling or what my actions are telling me really. I'm okay as long as I stay in the moment. So, that's what I've been trying to do as well as plan for the future because I have to.

I dunno. Thanks for listening, as always.

Lots of stuff going on there Pip, for anyone (non or BPD).

As per the teaching stuff-- I teach too and was not trained to do so. I've found a TON of info on-line about lessen plans and how to be an effective teacher, just google specifics. I usually adapt what I learn on-line so it's relevant to my students (I don't teach in a traditional school). Anyway, thought it would help you to know that I believe everyone is nervous at first with this sort of thing......and the truth is (as I see it), most of us just do the best we know to do at the time. Remember, all you can ask of yourself is to do your best with your current knowledge. That knowledge base WILL grow as you gain experience-- I don't think anyone is a 'perfect' teacher at first!!

Is there a way to reframe the idea of change in your mind? As in....right now it sounds like you see change as risky or too much to handle. But I've found that the only real constant in life is change, so the more I can embrace it and even relish in it, the easier time I have. Flow rather than fight the current!

Drinking to cope is a choice. It seems this choice is actually making life more difficult for you, so why continue to do it? Rather than de-stressing with booze, it seems the booze is adding stress. What are 3 ways other than drinking that you could help yourself center/calm/cope? Maybe even just having one or two drinks, at home, to relax rather than partying all night at a bar? Is there another way for you to hang with pals than a bar? It IS easy to fall back into those old patterns; I think you are wise to be wary of such.

This doesn't seem like a crutch to me-- that's what therapy is for, IMO!! I think it's a healthy way of coping to not only realize that you are not handling all this effectively on your own but to ask for guidance (asking for help takes courage!!). I say bravo to this!! One caveat though; I would also employ all my tools in addition to therapy and try to come up with ways to deal on my own. That would not only help you deal with these times, but it would show your T you are not using therapy as a crutch.

All my best as always.

about the teaching aspect, I did major in education and most of what I was taught in college didn't matter in the real world. I assume you will have an advisor who will help you set up what material needs to be taught, can help you break it into chunks to be gotten through in a set amount of time. Most freshman level textbooks are also set up to help with the planning process and some teacher editions have built in lesson plans that you can adapt or modify to your students needs. I can't remember what subject you would be teaching, so obviously some work more structured than others. (I was a music major, probably the least structured in a group setting with students having very different levels of beginning talents.) Reach out to your advisor as soon as possible to get the teaching materials and I bet that will help alieviate many of your worries about that aspect.

Thank you both for the replies! H - for the wisdom you always seem to have and for the encouragement and support. And K for the practical advice as well. You are right, the professor is supposed to mail us the textbooks this summer so we can get oriented and adjust. As usual, I'm being too anxious and inpatient. lol.

Anxiety seems to be at my core lately.

Hi Pip,

I teach too - master's students, very part time. I was terrified at the idea but have actually really enjoyed it. The best tip I was given is set your students plenty of work to do, that way there will be lots to discuss in the next class!

How did it go with your T?