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My name is Melissa I'm 24 years old. and I'm freaking out right now, I'm a very pathetic person. My relationships always fail because I can't trust people and I'm way too paranoid. I always compare myself to other girls and get upset very quickly.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality a month ago, I always knew that something was wrong with me but I never knew what was it until I was put on a 51/50. I feel like my life is getting out of control, I feel like I'm loosing my boyfriend he haves no patience for me anymore. He thinks I'm just acting out and when he gets angry he calls me all sorts of names, yesterday he said to me that my body grossed him out and of course I took it the wrong way, I started punching myself until I couldn't take it. I know is not his fault that I have borderline personality and the way I'm with him is not acceptable, I constantly blame him for things, I always ask him to re assure me that he loves me, I've hit him (not so hard). Yesterday he pulled my hair to try to move me out of the way because i was sitting down next to the door and I didn't want him to leave. He felt bad, he says that I make him be that way, that he's not a mean guy but the way I act makes him do it. He haves anger issues, he calls me all sorts of names when hes mad at me and of course it hurts me so much...
I just don't understand how can someone be so cruel when they know that I'm suffering from depression, borderline and I have no self esteem. He always supported me, he tries to understand but a part of him is gone. He always says sorry after he offends me.

My family doesn't really understand me, they just think I'm a ''cry baby'' and that I need to grow up, I feel scared. It usually hits me the next day when I see all my scratches and bruises, I feel like I'm becoming something else...
Why does this happen to me? am I really never going to be happy? I know suicide is not an option but sometimes is the only thing I can think of, to me this is not life, I don't feel happy. I always ruin everything and push people away. I need help

unfun86,

Welcome! So glad you have found your way here. There are many people here who can understand what you are going through. Are you in therapy or on any medications? Is there anyone in your life you can talk to about things besides
your bf? He sounds verbally abusive which should not be tolerated by anybody.

dagwood

Dear unfun86,
First of all, welcome onboard

I agree with dagwood that your bf is verbally abusive and that should not be tolerated by anyone.

I have the same questions as dagwood. Are you currently undergoing any therapy?

Hi, Thank you, Yes I'm going to counseling and I'm currently on budeprion XL 300 mg. I don't think my medication is really working, the only difference I've noticed is that my right side of my brain hurts and I'm more angry/moody.
My psychiatrist doesn't really seem to be interested.

He's verbally abusive because I'm abusive too
I don't know what to do.

unfun86,

(((((unfun)))) Sometimes medications can take a while for people to notice an improvement---at least that's how some work. Do you mean you are having headaches affecting the right side of your head? Does your psychiatrist explain why you could be having this pain?.

Dagwood