BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi.
I'm a 35 yr old wife and mother of 3 beautiful children, 16,11&8.
I have been living in constant contradiction for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I fight about stupid things that didn't bother me a week before, I yell, degrade push away my husband. I feel like a ridiculous child when these rages occur. I know its not rational but I cant stop it. I was told 10 years ago after a 30 min session with a counseor that I had bpd....of course I thought he was crazy! How could I be diagnosed in 30 min. I put it out of my head until recently. My husband travels for his job, I find myself anxious and out of my mind for a week before until he gets back. I fight with him. I text him and call him. I know this is not normal but why cant I stop. I feel more angry. I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist and change this.I want so badly to feel joy and not empty and useless all the time. Thanks for reading. I need some info on how to cope through the process of changing my life.I'm doing some dbt therapy workbook, it has helped distract me. I'm still sooooo new to this and all I know is I want to change so badly! I love my family so much and they deserve all of me.
Thank you!!!!

Hi Pardisi and welcome!

I'm 36 (shhh! don't tell anyone! ) and although I don't have children, I can relate to the fighting about stupid things with my husband. The also changing contradictions.

It's great that you have that desire to change. It's going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever work for. But it's worth it. And these a great group of folks on this board to bounce ideas off. Hope we see more of you.

Trinity

Thanks.
it was good for a few years when we were married, I just kept my emotions inside so he wouldn't see them. But I just cant. I have had some tramatic things happen and it seems when there is change I get anxious and super stressed and my behavior just plummets. He is a great man, very suppportive and undeserving of any of this. I am doing things to control my emotions, such as distraction, soothing exercises and so on. It has helped. I always think to myself when we fight that he sounds so rational, that what he says is true but I cant accept it, I fight to try to prove the most ridiculous point!
Anyway.....glad I'm here, looking forward to reading and posting on here:)

On a good note.....I am feeling less crazy since I have accepted what my issue is and that it is who I am, that there are reasons why I behave this way and that I am not alone. I feel less alone and empty each time I read of someone else going through this. I know its not fun to deal with but knowing there are others who feel the same way makes it all a bit easier to take in. Its helpful also to show my husband and kids that I am not the only one. I hightlight passages in books that mirror me and my behavior or a situation we have gone through and then I pass the kindle to the hubby and ask him to read. He is blank for a bit then he says to me that this is not who I am, this is just a part of who I am that needs some extra help. It gives him a chance to see what ive not been able to put together in words.