BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hello everyone:
I just tried to work the five steps retrospectively in my borderline notebook. there is a problem with my working the five steps. I am in 'black and white' thinking.
this is what I came up with:


Problem: fear of being baptized overwhelmed with lack of confidence duties at Church
Three possible solutions I could have done:
1. Cancel baptism and all duties at Church
2. Place faith in God and in people and go through with it
3. ?


PS: I was scheduled to be baptized tonight at Church. I called everyone and canceled. I also called the Church secretary and canceled cleaning up after communion at Church which is only a once per month being of service duty because of my lack of confidence. I felt enormous pressure to be at Church every sunday and felt in my mind that I was not accepted there, and in my mind I had thoughts of fear that they really did not want me to be baptized there. I recently helped at a Church funeral luncheon in the kitchen with all the eldest ladies who are experts in the kitchen and I felt 'helpless' and kept putting myself down in front of them and could do nothing to be helpful I felt a nuisance. I told the Church secretary 'haughtily' that working in the kitchen is 'not one of my talents' I feel a lot of shame for this and feel I lost a lot of friends now. I'm sorry I cannot reach my heart right now in this post or anything. I feel really lost. I am just here trying to find my way . What could have been another solution to this problem? (even though it is over now) There is nothing I can do now. I can't even reach my tears. Please tell me someone has felt this way. I feel desperate to help myself. I plan on to keep attending the Church. Question::: SHOULD I ATTEND TONIGHT? tonight was supposed to be my baptism.... what should I do? I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and I disappointed so many people and myself. AGAIN!!!! AGAIN!!!! AGAIN!!!! .... please ... there has got to be hope ... if I can learn cognitive ways of processing BEFORE BEFORE taking RASH.... actions... then maybe I can learn! thank you for hearing me and if any thoughts on this, I appreciate it sincerely. ell.

Hello Ellisen:

I, too, have felt overwhelmed by what are, ultimately, my own self-expectations that I 'think' are similarly the expectationns that others have of me.

What do you think are causing your fears?

Are you feeling pressured to be babtized, either internally or by others? I think going to church is a big step - coming from where I am in my current fear-base.

Is it possible that you are moving faster than you are really ready to in order to be/feel accepted by the people in the church?

Just thought I'd offer these things to think about if you find it helpful.

i have trouble with church. I have been to 11 different churches and always leave feeling oddly separate from everyone. It's like they are in a different world that I can't break into. I believe in God and believe I am in God and God is in me. Religion or church intimidates me and I end up getting into verbal fights with the preachers and leaving. I do believe it is connected with my BPD. I don't want to ruin anyone's experience with church so I stay away. Eventually I end up not agreeing with something or another, verbally fighting or writing emails to the Pastor, which afterwords I am ashamed of and those feelings keep me away. I feel I am different from regular people and for some reason it comes out more vividly in a church setting. I don't know why God doesn't cure mental illness in me if God wants me to go to church?
Love,
Mike
PS: If church helps you.....go without hesitation.
Sorry I can't help you much. I have burned or destroyed 40 or more Bibles because they upset me. Then I SI and feel lost.
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.
Mike

{{{Mike}}} Why do you always apologize so much for yourself? Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Have you messed up in the past? Yeah. But here's the thing that makes you healthier than a lot of other folks with bpd: you recognize something is wrong. You're doing something about it. I know shame is a hard thing to get past. I just want you to know that I understand. {{{Mike}}}

Ellesin,

Have you come up with a third possible option yet? The one that jumped to my mind was:

3. Speak with a preist/pastor/nun/someone about your fears & ask for assistance with the duties til you're feeling stronger.

When it comes to the three options, I try to remember:

BLACK - WHITE - GREY
or

YES - NO - MAYBE

or

END 1 - IN THE MIDDLE - END 2

The extremes (Black/White, Yes/No, End1/End2) come really easy to those of us with BPD. The challenge of healthy, happy living is to get to the middle, finding the grey, a decent compromise of both extremes. It takes practice and it's completely do-able.

Ellesin

how are you doing? so did you go to church and attend your baptism after all?