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I'm sorry - first I didn't know where best to post this topic, second I have only sorted a few times so I suppose I don't have much right to ask for help, third I know this is a sensitive topic and I'm sorry.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking. Basically, I have problems around sex. I hate the thought of doing it. If it could just be actual sex without me having to do other stuff I think I could tolerate it but the other stuff makes me feel sick. I don't know if this means I am gay or asexual or something else.

I am not in a relationship. It has been a while. I always chose to believe I was alone because I am fat and ugly. Through therapy I have come to see that is not true. I kind of long to be that close to someone, but I am very scared.

I think I am going through a bad episode. I weighed myself a few days ago and it was high and I don't understand why so I have not eaten but have drunk alcohol and now feel awful.

I feel like I want to get dressed up and go out and let any man who wants to have sex with me. I want to remember how it feels and even if they say bad stuff to me or force me it will be better than feeling nothing. I'm crying and feeling awful and stupid for saying this. Does anyone undertand what I mean?

A x

Acacia,

Doesn't matter how often you've posted in the past...I'm glad you've felt free to post now. Many people don't really enjoy sex...and it doesn't mean they are gay. By "other stuff" what do you mean? If you're talking about oral sex, I must admit I've never really enjoyed that but did it because my bf likes it.

Does sex bring up certain uncomfortable emotions for you. I used to feel like I was being engulfed...that I was some how losing my sense of self.

Are you in any therapy of some kind, or on meds to ease anxiety?

dagwood

Most of my medications kill any sex drive I might have. Overall, I've been kind of meh about it. But yeah, I get what you mean.

Are you sure you want sex or is that you are lonely and want human contact. I get those two mixed up all the time.

Hi, thanks so much for your replies. I don't really know what is wrong with me. I think it's just that I'm going through a bad spell and it's making me think about stuff I normally try not to think about.

Yes, I take medication. Fluoxetine, which I think is Prozac. Yes, therapy. But it's about to stop and I'm terrified to be left on my own again but terrified to tell him this. I just can't stop crying, feel so alone and I feel the only way out is to kill myself but I've been unsuccessful at that a few times so what is the point.

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm making any sense. I know the sex thing is a major problem and I know I feel desperate for human contact. It's probably separate things. I long to be held. But it's not going to happen. Thank you for reading.

A x

((((((Acacia))))))

Have you talked with your therapist about how you are feeling? He really needs to know, especially if you're having any suicidal thoughts. It sounds to me as though possibly your're having anxiety about "leaving the nest" so to speak. Now you have to "fly" on your own and you're having anxiety about that. IMO, that's natural. Will you have any arrangement with your therapist that will allow you to have a visit with him/her if you really need it? Please stay close to the board and keep us posted about how you're feeling. I'm here a good bit if you want to talk.

dagwood