BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everyone

I've decided to introduce myself. I'm Al, a 45 Australian guy who was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago, whilst in the course of counselling trying to keep a relationship alive. The relationship has just ended, with finality. I'm feeling terrible although I do have friends to reach out to who are keeping me company.

Over the course of my life my personal relationships have been riddled with a constant I love you/I don't love you trope. My girlfriends over the years have generally been wonderful and stuck by me (I've have a couple of 7 year relationships, then a big mistake of a 3 year marriage, then the relationship of 5 years which has just ended ... to the person I believe is the love of my life.

We lived together in a foreign city for 3 years, then were to have returned to my home country. Instead, I had a meltdown and sent her away. We reinstigated the relationship some months later and commenced a long distance relationship, but after 2 years (and another 2 to come before we'd be reunited), the separation proved too traumatic for me and I cut it off in March. I've now a deep sense of regret but it is probably too late late - she says she has moved on ... and after all this on and off over the years, I can't blame her. But the sense of loss is enormous.

Reading the overviews, my black/white thinking didn't take the form of love/hate, but rather love/don't love. At various times i have been completely convinced, with absolute clarity, that my life would end either if I was with her, or if I was without her. The clarity each time is what scares me. I am feeling borderline suicidal at the moment but at least have very good support of friends.

I have start started on mindfulness meditation and am off alcohol and other drugs, eating healthily (I am capable of binge eating and drinking too much) and exercising daily.

I'm a consultant that was laid off work a few years ago and has had difficult re-entering the workforce. That has been a great source of stress and worry, both in terms of career goals and financial safety. I have sue time at the moment and really need to get through this very difficult patch. I am probably going to move back to the foreign city, where I've lived for the past 10 years. My friends are my real family and I need them around me. Plus where I come from is a bit of a backwater, comparatively speaking, and I miss the energy and constant social interaction of my old city.

I'm not sure what else to say here other than hello, and that I look forward to contributing and learning, and of course trying to heal. This bpd thing is a real burden!

Cheers
Al

Albatross,

Welcome!

dagwood

albatross
just to let you know, i read through every word you wrote

hugs to you

yupz this bpd thing is a burden. couldn't agree more.

welcome onboard albatross!

Hi Al. Sorry to hear that you're going through so many difficulties right now.

I think that mindfulness meditation is a wonderful idea... it has really helped me to sit back and observe my emotions when I'm feeling intense, rather than letting it escalate.

Welcome. It sounds like you have a lot of major life changes going on right now, with moving and your job and your relationship. Sometimes I think chaos is what keeps me going from one day to the next. So much going on that there's really no time to wallow. Stick with a good support network and keep posting on here. Its great to feel understood... Good luck!

~ Christina