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I went to uni to do a course in my late teens and I withdraw after 2 years because of one bad mark, and a lack of motivation and enthusiasm (which arose when I stopped living with other students) and decided to travel for miles everyday (leaving at 6 in the morning. Getting home at 8 at night) and got so tired that I would miss classes and got behind and then couldn't catch up. I felt like a failure, ashamed and quit.

I re-signed up with Open Polytech several years ago. Got through 3 papers (The accountancy ones that really grabbed my attention) and then found myself faced with an economics paper that I just could handle and so I procrastinated and I got behind and then I bailed out, once again. That time, I was too ashamed and too afraid to ask for help or to admit that I even needed help so, I didn't talk to tutors and I just quit without giving any explanation as to why. I also was new in therapy, having recently had a breakdown, had 3 young kids, was a total mess and basically had taken on study as a form of distraction from my issues, only my issues were so bad that I couldn't concentrate on my work. catch - 22

I recently rejoined OP after offering them an explanation as to why I pulled out last time, they granted me re-entry but on a trial basis. I had 2 semesters and 2 papers to prove myself. So, I passed my marketing assessments with flying colours, but wasn't prepared for my final exam, so deferred it to the next semester 4 months later. 4 months later arises and Amanda isn't ready. She hasn't even picked up a textbook. And once again, she's withdrawing. This time, I think the issue for me is: the distance learning - home study environment isn't one that really works for me. I go to study and I pick up a book and I start to read and within 2 minutes I've lost interest and am distracted into doing something else and I get behind on the work and then I lose interest totally.

I'm realising that I did better when I was in a classroom environment, wiht human interaction, with a variery of teaching styles being used, with discussions, dialogues, diagrams, hearing as opposed to reading. I did better when I wasn't so tried.

SO to sum up - tiredness resulting in me missing classes and getting behind is the cause of the first failure. Too much going on in my life and exhaustion resulted in my getting behind and giving up the 2nd time. This time, not tiredness but a lack of support and learning in an environment that didn't suit my learning style is the cause.

So I rang Open Polytechnic and told them the truth, or what I believe to be the truth (I'm still not 100% sure that there isn't some sabotage thing running in the background here, but just can't put my finger on it.) I found motivating myself to study was hard. I found the learning style didn't suit me. I got behind and when I e-mailed my tutor (I actually did admit that I was needing help this time) twice, my e-mails were returned to me with SPAM written in the subject line. I opened myself up to 30 other students on the course who'd shared there e-mails and had expressed an interest in sharing the learning experience and got 1 reply??? :/ There was absolutely no support, even when I did request it and so once again, I've gotten behind and I'm not ready to take my exam today, and I have withdrawn from my course and the organisation & management paper which I started this week (new semester.)

My T says I'm sabotaging. Wanted me to go sit an examination today even though I wasn't at all prepared for it. Seems to think there is some fear there??? I can't say I've ever felt afraid of exams if I knew I was ready for them. Has some crazy idea in her head that I'm smart and would know more than what I think I do and would probably do well. WTF??? You actually have to lift up the book and read it, in order to know shit about the subject.

So, I'd appreciate any feedback on what I've written. Any outside opinions or anything that jumps out at you. I guess I want to get to the bottom of what the problem is. I feel good about my decision to withdraw because I was struggling with the learning style, but annoyed at myself because I know that I am capable of passing courses and really want to further my education. Do any of you see what my T sees - sabotage? and if so, what reasons would you come up with for me doing that? I just want to try on a few ideas to see if any of it fits.

I had something of a similar type happen to me a while back. I didn't really care for the teacher's style, didn't respect the teacher (was her first teaching gig out of college), the material was dry & boring. Suffice it to say, I had a lot of reasons to be completely unmotivated.

The first quarter (of the four quarter term) I got a D in the course. I was so bored and blatantly blew off my assignments, etc. to my own detriment. At that point, I screwed up my 'gumption' to "beat the system," to learn in-spite-of all the obstacles, to not let the idiotic system get the better of me.

The next three quarters I got straight A's.

I don't know if that would help for you at all - to challenge yourself to learn despite the lack of connections, lack of support, etc. After all, you ARE smart and I've seen you challenge yourself in several areas - recovery, exercise, smoking, etc. I think when you internalize the goal, you have a more likely chance of accomplishing it with flying colors.
:2cents

Thanks Ash; for your thoughts on this and for sharing your own education experience. Good on you for getting past the hurdles and achieving the goal.



Herein I believe lies the answer. (lightbulbs going off in Amanda's head)The two things that I am struggling with sticking to are my education and losing the excess weight. I start off all keen and enthusiastic (because there are obvious advantages to achieving both of these things) and then lose that enthusiasm and sabotage myself somewhere along the line.

I thought about what you just wrote about internalising the goal and to be honest the thought of the end goal sends my body into a total panic, just thinking about it. The end goal in both cases is something I both want and know that I'm capable of doing, but fear at the same time. My head says yes, and my body says no.

Ok, I've made a start here. I think I need to just go away and sit with this observation and these feelings for a bit.

Good luck. Remember: "Inch by inch, it's a cinch. Yard by yard, it's hard."

The end goal can seem to be miles and miles away. And it may be that far off but even if it's 100 feet away, both journies start with a single step.

If focusing on "between here and there" inspires panic, what about just focusing on the "there." What would it feel like to have achieved that goal? What will it bring to your daily life? What level of pride will you feel to relate that accomplishment?

Or is it the "there" that's causing the panic?

Just a couple of thoughts or perhaps questions.

I am thinking about my own fits and starts at study and especially Open learning courses, don't under estimate how difficult it is to do distance learning, is a lonely way to learn and requires massive amounts of personal drive and motivation. I am actually looking forward to getting out there in traditional settings for my next course, which of course carries its own hurdles like financial survival.

I am just ending my ten years worth of I want to / don't want to do it type thing. Thing is I set out to get a degree, why? Cos I wanted to prove to the rest of the world, ie. those that didn't believe in me or didn't think it important enough that I could do this. My motives on embarking were a bit askew, so every lil failure was like a personal not good enough stab. It was really hard to work from this perspective, it was less of a want than a need to prove to myself how capable I was.

A couple of years ago I went back from a completely different perspective, with some idea of career goals, chose subjects that really interested me, that I really enjoyed learning about. ie.I had some ideas of where I might be headed with it, for me not for anyone else.

I wondered who the course was for? why? For you? What would have happened if you didn't score too well in the exam? What was the personal risk?

It's the "there" that causes me the panic. Some irrational twisted stuff going on there. I'm working on it.

Tracy. Doing it for me, because I'm bored shitless in my current employment. I want to do something to stimulate my mind; that I will also enjoy doing. I have chosen the field of accountancy. Admittedly not my first choice, but that isn't an option.

You're the 4th person to ask me why I didn't just go sit the exam. I didn't see the logic in wasting 3 hours sitting staring at an exam paper, that I wasn't prepared for. Reason number 2 is that my arm is causing me the most excrutiating pain and I couldn't face the thought of 3 hours writing. I could have used this as a reason alone for not sitting my exam, and I would have automatically been given a pass, but I felt it wasn't being completely honest knowing that I wasn't prepared for it. I would have gotten a pass in a course that I hadn't completed.

If I didn't score well in the exam I would have had to resit it next semester.

I'm going to step away from this for a bit as I have some other stuff going on for me right now that is more important, Thanks anyway for the input.

Amanda,

I first wanted to comment on what I noticed as your obvious desire to achieve, that I have seen exuding from you and your posts. I have seen nothing less than caring and progress, and drive.

Secondly, I think that you only know why you failed to achieve what you set out to do. I know you mentioned your arm and the pain you felt.

I have a bachelors of science. The way I got through it is believing that there was nothing more important in the world than getting a bachelors of science degree. There was nothing more important that could happen that would take me away from that. It's all in priorities and how important things are to me, and I was convinced there was nothing more important in the world. And that's how I got my college degree.

Hi Aqua - Yes, I agree with your observations that I have a lot of drive when it comes to recovery & some other things. Maybe it's that I am focusing on too many things? Could be why I lose motivation?

I appreciate you sharing how it was for you getting through your bachelors. "nothing more important in the world." Got me thinking, right ATM, raising my kids is the most important thing for me. I wonder if the timing is just wrong for looking at study and career? My kids are still young - 8, 11 & 12.

Thanks for giving me something more to think about.

This may seem like it's out of left field but ...

There's a short series / special on TV that just started called "Janice & Abbey" wherein Janice Dickinson (the world's first supermodel, as she'll gladly tell you repeatedly!) takes some British girl named Abbey under her wing. In the first episode, Abbey confided that with Janice's arrival, she's suddenly become terrified. Paraphrasing here, "All my life, I've wanted to be a model and I made it to 2nd place on Britain's Next Top Model but with Janice here, this is my real chance. And if I don't make it, then what? Then I've got nothing left. No hopes, no dreams, nothing. It's all gone if I don't make it with Janice."

Could any of that sort of thing be going on with you? That it's more important to have the dream of the end result goal than it is to try-for-but-fall-short? Are the what-ifs getting in your way of actually trying?

There's never a right time, Amanda. I don't have kids and I've been "a college student" for twenty years now. It's always on-and-off. Something comes up. Now's not the right time. I did one semester after I'd been in my job for about a year and then the job changed a bit. Suddenly, it wasn't the right time. And then came the busy time of year. Then blammo, I've been out of school for four years! I could have been done and graduated - FINALLY - if I'd just set aside the excuses and made the sacrifices to get it done.

Ignoring my dogs for a couple hours a week isn't the same as ignoring children, I know. Your children, though, are school age. Why couldn't education be a family experience? Wouldn't it help them to know that Mom places a high priority on education instead of watching Mom put it off, set it aside, give up on it, not chase her dream?

Sorry I never got back to this before. I really do appreciate you all trying to come up with ideas as to what could be happening for me. I have to be honest and tell you that I'm not at all comfortable with the stuff that comes up for me when I look inside.

See, I have 2 messages from childhood that are stuck in my psyche. 1 being that even when I achieve straight-A's in school, highly commended's in my dance exams, distinction in my music exams, these weren't important. They were nothing special. I worked my ass off and I was still told how stupid, how bad & evil I was by my step-mother. My father on the otherhand would own and possess everything I achieved, like it was all him achieving these things - I was a reflection of him. :/

See today, I have this voice in my head that says "fuck em, fuck all of them. I'm not achieving anything more for anybody to take it away from me. I'm not going to work my ass off to prove myself to anybody. Who cares if I'm uneducated? Doesn't make me any less of a person. I know that I have an IQ of 128 and am capable of achieving anything I chose to put my mind to, but I'm tired of working my ass off, tired of proving myself and still not meeting the mark, so why even bother? I just want to chill out, relax, have some fun, just be simple old me and be ok with that, and for anybody who's not ok with it, then there's the door. If I'm not up to your standards, that's too bad.

I think so long as I have these old beliefs and resentment running through me, I'm not going to achieve anything. It has been my experience that when emotional mind is at the opposite end of the scale from my rational mind, there is no cooperation, a lot of sabotage, no meeting of minds until those old feelings have been worked through and the old beliefs, re-framed.

I've set myself a goal - to work through all this underlying stuff and to get myself into a balanced wise mind state by Februrary 2008, at which time I have decided to enrol in 2 year full-time study in the same course; but this time in a classroom environment. See this is what's so frustrating, I'm keen & I want to do this, but the sabotage monster keeps striking. Why else would I be continually checking out my options and planning like this? Or maybe it is that I haven't found the right subject?

On a side note, just out of interest, I actually took a career personality test just recently and it came up with 3 jobs for me:

1. Conservation or environmental scientist
2. Forester
3. Fine Artist (painter, sculptor, illustrator, animator)

I thought the results were hilarious. I'm not in the least bit artistic and have no interest whatsoever in gardening or trees. What exactly does an environmental scientist do? I just couldn't imagine myself in any of these careers.

Edit: should say February 2009

Yea hehe. I think I would stick to suggestions related to the personality tests.

At this point in the game, I'm deciding what I'm going to do too, Amanda. I have a college degree, but I am not really interested in going forward in that field. I've decided to choose something I think I will enjoy, so I am learning to code. That seems to fit my personality and it is something I can grow in (very important to me), and continually learn new things within the field. So my criteria for choosing a career became:

1) Something I think I will enjoy (in evidence of, when I do it, I enjoy it - not something I haven't tested beforehand),
2) A field where I can grow and learn new things, where the learning doesn't come to a halt (because I get so bored and depressed if it does).
3) Something that involves decision-making and preferably some analyzing.

And I came up with programmer analyst. Seems to work for me. Plus, I like playing video games, and with these skills, I can write some. That will be fun.

Anyways, so, I suppose I'm noticing that you have doubts about your chosen path.... so I decided to show you what I came up with when I was in doubt. Hope it helps.

Hi Amanda~



I think I am seeing the pendulum swing, as do you...maybe?

You busted your ass all the time to achieve and for who? SM didn't notice and your D took it all away from you to build himself up.

No wonder you want to take some time off of that.

But I also see you realizing that you can accomplish what you want to; what you've set your sights on. The gray, maybe? The knowledge that what you are doing now is for YOU. You have nothing to prove to anyone anymore.

(See, I can relate. I busted my ass, too. I remember cleaning the house up and putting my report card on the counter for my M and D to see. Not only did they not acknowledge how hard I'd work to clean up, they didn't even comment on my grades. Frustrating.)

I think that you mentioned that you do really well with accounting. You also mentioned music - would a career in music interest you?

This is a great idea. You have seen that you are working against your goal mentally, and that you can't be successful until you change your mindset - you've already won half the battle by identifying it. From my experience, when I put effort into personal growth, I began to gain momentum and motivation for the things I wanted to do. So I think your plan will work. I think it all depends on how much effort one puts in daily into working the tools - this stuff sinks in and begins to work after awhile, and it becomes stronger than the rebellion. I don't know which step you are at, whether you still feel anger toward your parents, but that took me a while to get through and to accept, and I had to try to gain an understanding of who they were as well in order to make the peace I needed. I now believe my parents loved me, regardless of what they did to harm me. They had their own problems they didn't understand.

So I think I'm seeing that you have a lot of rebellion within, and that's an understandable consequence to what I see as your parents invalidation and selfishness. I also rebelled, in a huge way.



This is a great idea. You have seen that you are working against your goal mentally, and that you can't be successful until you change your mindset - you've already won half the battle by identifying it. From my experience, when I put effort into personal growth, I began to gain momentum and motivation for the things I wanted to do. So I think your plan will work. I think it all depends on how much effort one puts in daily into working the tools - this stuff sinks in and begins to work after awhile, and it becomes stronger than the rebellion. I don't know which step you are at, whether you still feel anger toward your parents, but that took me a while to get through and to accept, and I had to try to gain an understanding of who they were as well in order to make the peace I needed. I now believe my parents loved me, regardless of what they did to harm me. They had their own problems they didn't understand (or even acknowledge, they simply didn't have the information), and I couldn't expect them to see what they were doing to me. My parents were very simple Southern folk.

Oops... I didn't mean to post the first one of the preceding two posts....I hit X but it didn't work in time.

I'm interetsed in accountancy, but I'm not interested in a few of the other papers I have to take in order to complete this diploma.



I never did rebel. I just complied with everything. My brother was the rebel - I watched this tactic fail for him, so didn't even go there. Until now! I'm just feeling so angry much of the time about nothing that I can really pin-point. I have to wonder if it is anger towards my parents, as you suggested. My dad is visiting from the UK ATM and has been here for 3 weeks and I'm just finding myself feeling so completely irritated by his presence. I haven't reacted at all. I'm just seething on the inside. LOL!

Thanks Aqua for sharing how you've made a career decision for yourself.



I'm totally doing the pendulum swing thing. Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe not? Like I said, I'm going to give myself a year to work through this and to swing back to the grey.



I love doing accounts, but I much prefer, the old-fashioned way, by hand, in ledgers, rather on the computer.

You've touched a sore point - a career in music is what I always dreamt of. Music is what kept me sane as a child. I spent hours escaping the reality around me, whilst lost in music - playing, writing & listening. I actually wanted to be a professional clarinet player (had visions of myself playing in a big orchestra, like The London Symphony Orchestra.) I didn't make the grade in my 2nd instrument to get into the royal academy of music.

I have regrets - when I emigrated to NZ 15 years ago (with my H) I left my life in the UK behind me, in its entirety. I never picked up a musical instrument or lost myself in music again - I had no need to. I have a happy life with him & my kids. Music reminded me too much of the past life that I didn't want to own, but in my efforts to deny my past & the damage it caused, I gave away my first real love/passion in life. There is a lot of regret there, but I accept the path I've chosen - one of a husband and children. I could never have had a full blown career as a musician and still been a mother. I've never felt I could take it up again, since, not even as a hobby. I'm afraid of the floodgates it might open up if I go back there.

I'm going to give it some more thought - what interests me? I know that as a young girl, I was also particularly interested in an off-shoot from my geography classes - meteorology. Maybe I just haven't arrived yet? I mean there's been 30 odd years of hiding and denying who I really am because who I was was so hideously unacceptable to those around me. I'm still getting to know that person.

Sorry guys, I've rambled so much. It helps to get my thoughts out.

Other people tend to not be as bothered by our failures as we are bothered by our own failures nor are they as excited about our accomplishments. You really have to succeed for yourself and not expect others to care how well you do as much as you do. This is one of those times when it is all about you!

I have always been the type of person who has high expectations for myself. My father expected straight As on my report cards (for every B I was restricted for 1 month of summer vacation, for every C I was restricted for 2 months, etc.). Still, a 90% A was not good enough for me. If I got a 97% on a test, I would ridicule myself for being so stupid that I missed 3% rather than to feel proud for anything less than 100%. When I expressed an interest in teaching, my father told me that I was "too smart" to be a teacher and that I should have higher ambitions than that. Now that I am on mental disability and work from home selling books online, it is hard to deal with the feelings that my life is a waste and that I am a failure.

Spirituality has helped me gain a better perspective at times I feel like giving up on something. The fact that God uses "broken" people for His greatest works, encourages me to learn from life challenges rather than to want to give up as a failure. Sometimes it is those things I feel are worthless about myself, that become my greatest strengths. Climbing a mountain from the bottom is a greater accomplishment than starting at the middle. It is all relative.

It is important for you to do some soul-searching to determine what is right for you. Sometimes failure can indicate that we need to make a change of plans, while sometimes it means we need to work harder to succeed. Only you can know where you need to go and what steps you need to take to get there.

Hey Amanda~

There are different stages in our lives. Well, yeah, duh, you know that!

My daughter is raised and on her own. Yeah, as a Mom I will probably always "worry" in that Mom sort of way. The out of the nest transition is not an easy one to go through either.

BUT, the freedom is, wow! It's ME, again! Does that make sense? (And I only had 1 child.)

Now, I find myself interested in things that used to be a "chore". Like cooking. I really enjoy cooking and trying new recipes.

I can sit down whenever I want to and play the piano, loud. My other instrument is the flute. I can get on the computer, go shopping...well, you get the picture. It's like now I get to wander, to discover, to BE. I don't have qualms travelling by myself, either. (Although lately, my travel has been out to help my Dad and family out in the West.)

To me, being a Mother is the most rewarding job out there. I've had a career in addition to being a Mom. To me, it wasn't all that it is cracked up to be. My daughter "grew up to fast" and I missed some of it.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't be too hard on yourself for not getting it done asap. Does that make sense?

I understand the reasons that music is a sore spot. Perhaps at some point, you will feel the need to come back to it. (That lovely pendulum swing...)