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i think we have discussed this before on the board but here i am again to try and make sense of it.

maybe this is just part of the illness.....

i was wondering, why do i believe the bad stuff and disregard the good stuff others say about me?

it makes no rational sense. if one is true, then the others should be also. but not to me.

i disregard the positive things said to me about me. yeah yeah, you know, blah blah. sure i am.

but the bad, negative stuff said i own it completely. of course i am a bad person.

its like i hear jody, you did x good and i am like, rightttttt, sure i did, and if i did, i wont tomorrow. but if i hear jody, your a this or that (insert negative labels) i am like,,of course i am! why try when i dont seem to show i am changing? why bother if i cant show another i am not the person they tell me i am? (dont say i do it for me, that wont fly for me, already tried that idea--as well as im not who another says i am)

a week of jody, you are doing so good is instantly gone by one post saying im a bad person. (and please dont pull the semantics, no one used the words "bad person" as exactly such..for example.)

this comes back to i am my behavior. i believe that and i know many here dont believe it. but i do, as what good are words or thoughts without behavior? none. works are important, (behavior) else we all could talk a good fight which would be pointless.

i often wonder what someone gets out of telling another just how they dont like their behavior. do they know how damaging it is? or is it they dont care? i cant relate to people who do this. i see no point in it. its far too damaging to chance. its simply useless except to knock another down. imho* and why do that? they will fall enough on their own, dont be afraid they wont and must be knocked down, in case they dont.

why is this? makes no logical sense....but i dont know how to not do it.

tyia* for views or ideas or opinions.

I think that it's common for most people, not just those with BPD or other disorders, to pass over the compliments and remember the negative feedback we receive. We just do it more. Anyone with low self-esteem would belittle their accomplishments--the good stuff--and think about their failures. I do that a lot. I take for granted the things I am good at, say something like "Anyone could do that", but if I get told something negative, I take it to heart.

Using the tools by untwisting the irrational thoughts would seem to be a way to counteract the negative thinking. It's all or nothing thinking to think you are a "bad person" because one person thinks so (this is also a case of taking things personally). It's grey, not black or white. The good counts as much as the "bad." I'm using "bad" just to differentiate from "good", but positive and negative might be better terms.

I think like you too, though I've tried to change and I think I have to a great extent. It happened a lot in therapy, and just as much in real life. I could get positive feedback and everything is fine, just going along la-de-da, then boom! A small criticism or slight, a "not right" t-session, a neighbor who doesn't say hello, and it has the potential to ruin my day. I used to forget about the good that happened BEFORE and only dwell on the negative. More twisted thinking and taking things personally.

I think you might benefit by untwisting your thinking on specific criticisms--the "bad" you hear. Are you labeling yourself? Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you thinking in black and white? Are you taking what someone says as "the truth" about you?

I'm not sure how you can get to believe the positives about yourself, though. People could tell me something over and over, something positive, but I had to come to believe it myself.

As to why people tell others negative things, my t said I criticised her so much as a way of bringing myself up. It's their stuff, not yours. Or else they think they are helping, using constructive criticism. I'm not perfect. Nor is anyone. My H and I find ourselves saying negative things about my daughter's fiance. There are so many positives, but maybe it's just human nature to ignore those and focus on the negatives. Or else we're negative people--that to.

I didn't know I was going to write so much, Jody. Good thread.

im glad you did share so much!

lol, just wait, you will catch yourself with the son in law many more times. i find the most important thing my kids dont do and i tell them a million times is i dont want to know. their marriage isnt my business. dont tell me shit because i will end up giving my opinion and they dont want that. im not sure what they DO want, but it isnt what i would expect. my idea is i share to hear others views or to support me. my kids dont seem to want this.

speaking for my kids, and im way off my thread subject, i know! is they want to share when and what they want to. should i speak up, its totally a huge thing of shut up mother, its not your business. then why tell me? i have had hard times with this for years. have not found a answer yet. unfortunately, the solution i have come up with is not a good one. its all i could think of, tho. the constant push/pull from them was killing me. i find the kid/parent /adult kid relationship extremely hard to deal with.

back to the regular programming..lol....you have some good thoughts on this. i just wish i could figure out how to learn to change how i think. altho i read, in human brains, one negative outweighs a ton of positives. something about how we are wired...and this could be more prevalent in mental illnesses or bpd?.

i def know it falls into the not taking things personally, and all that. but...

i dont care if someone doesnt say hello, for instance. what i find i just have such trouble with (and it may go back and coincide with what amanda was talking about in another thread) is the direct "jody you are x and y and you bug the shit outta me". even tho that is their issue, not mine. it just sends me back to the i should not be alive and why care anyways mode.

you said """but maybe it's just human nature to ignore those and focus on the negatives.""". maybe it is. maybe this is something we all must focus on and work on stopping it. do we realize the pain we send out? is it helpful to us to inflict pain?

((wondering)) thanks for taking your time to share

Hi Jody.

I think for me, anyway, I don't believe that I am good so its hard to accept someone saying something good/positive about me.

just my thoughts :O)

Roo

thanks ((Roo)) for sharing.

this is such a obstacle to overcome..............

say..even tho i do accept something good someone says about me or to me, a negative thing will wipe that out and more every time. i do not like the power that gives another over me.

i dont know how to fix this.................

I think Wondering's suggestion to use the tools to untwist is a good one. Look at the Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking and the The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns has some good suggestions on how to work with those tools. Charts one can make to help one use those tools. One of the ideas in that book, the Vertical Arrow Technique, I wrote about here, though that page doesn't show the chart format.

P.S. On the next page after the one I linked just above (it's one of a set of pages), I wrote:

By practicing untwisted thinking in non-emotional moments, I was able to apply that thinking in an emotional moment.

so ellen, do you mean to stop and analyze what? their words? my reaction to them? i dont follow you, altho i do know about your arrow technique....

I didn't say to stop and analyze anything. I've no idea what you are referring to.

Jody, I can give my take on this. It may sound a bit weird.

You intellectually know that when people say "Jody, you're this or that" (insert whatever "bad" word you want) - it sends you into a tailspin. So you acknowledge that and realize it happened. Next thing - can you just toss it? It happens enough to you for you to realize it's happening. I know it may be hard, but maybe say the word STOP and think it through. Use the untwisting to get out of it.

Some people aren't even AWARE that it happens to them. They just soak up the negative things other people say about them. But you appear to know when it's happening. So stop yourself and say "hey Jody, it's happening again - I gotta ignore this. Old Kathy is saying things about me I don't like."

Maybe this sounds too simplistic, but you KNOW it's happening. Just try to ignore the feelings that come up. Eventually maybe it'll go away.

As far as not taking things personally, I have a very funny story. Many years ago my H and I were friends with this couple. I called the wife up. She finally answered the phone and was very rude to me. I hung up and yelled at my H, saying I was never going to talk to her again, that she was mean to me, yada yada yada. So a few hours later she calls me back. She said that when I called, she and her H were making love! I said "why did you answer the phone?" Well, their parents lived out-of-state and she thought something might have been wrong (no caller ID in those days). So all of my assumptions were thrown right out the window. Talk about not taking things personally.......

Anyhow, I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. I hate it when you feel hurt about this, but since you know you have this reaction, it might make it easier for you to stop it. To not own it. It's like every time this happens to you, think about walking into a wall, getting hurt, picking yourself up, walking back into the wall, picking yourself up, over and over and over. How many times can you do this to yourself? You're doing it to yourself Jody. The others are not doing it to you. YOU are doing it to YOU. Only YOU have the power to stop it.

I hope this makes sense.

((((Jody))))

P.S. - I am also one of those who dismisses the good things people say. I'm also like "yeah, if I can do this anybody can do it." I have to learn how to take a compliment better.

What I do, is when someone compliments me, is I deny and reject it. Why?

It's because I know they don't know the REAL Me, if they did they wouldn't be saying such nice things. They only know the outside me, the fake me, the mask and act I have, which I have perfected to an art form and is virtual reality. (what you see is NOT what it is).

IF anything negative is said about me, which it's rare when that happens cos im such a damn people pleaser and have that act down SO well...but IF someone says anything negative about me, I still deny and reject it. Why?

Because they are usually way off mark with their negative comment. They are commenting on the wrong thing, because really they are just guessing at what is wrong with me. They really don't know what they're talking about, in other words. If they really knew what they were talking about with their negativity, they wouldn't simply slight me with negative comments, they'd KILL me.

'nuff said.

This may sound simple, but they probably want you to listen. NOT give an opinion, no advice, no alternatives, just listen.

As far as rejecting good, and accepting bad, I would say that its a very common theme. For myself, I just take the good with the bad. Its something I've done either way, and in no way reflects what or who I am. It comes from me, but it doesn't define me. Normally, although I've had times. ;-)

What does someone get out of criticizing others, or pointint out something that they consider wrong? IMO, nothing, unless they are doing it in a sick way. Its just a way of helping someone see a problem they might not have noticed. Cronic criticism is a hugh problem however, and doesn't fall into this catagory.

hey spoon.

just my 2 cents here, i think there has to be certain boundaries between grown kids and us parents. some things just arent our business, ya know? and my kids dont seem to get that , altho i try and try to get it across. at a certain age, we all must be adults, and not be this "i wanna be a child thing" any longer.

as i tell my kids, there are many sides to me. one is a mom. a granma. a wife. a daughter. and one is i am a adult woman. a lot of these i dont think should mix.

just my beliefs...it is too hard for me to listen every time a kid has a issue with the spouse or kid and calls me to talk about it for 2 hours. then i ask how it is going and i get none of your business. ummm wha????! my kids (probably my fault somehow) need to learn to stand on their own 2 feet for some issues. im a fixer...and that is my issue also...to unlearn that one.

the other, i dont agree with either. lol. sorry! if someone wants to point out a problem another has, there are good ways to do that and bad. and criticizing comes across as --to borrow tracys thing i replied to--arrogance. like..."look what i know and you dont" stuff. it can be done in a wonderful, supportive way. if not, i think it should not be done at all. its very tricky to "point out" a issue someone has without sounding like God about it. the one doing it gets something, it is why we all have reactions and behaviors to begin with. else they wouldnt "need" to say anything.

because i am just learning what DOES define me, im still in transition on this one. i dont know how to define me, or what will or wont. thats a tough one to realize i didnt know. and very tough to learn what should or should not define me. im still exploring and learning that. i tend to define myself too much with outside things, and not inside things.

thanks for sharing!

AHHHHHH, THAT kind of information. I get you.

I was thinking just general, or generic problem type stuff, not the very personal

its cool, spoon,how else to figure it out and learn if we dont communicate?

ie..my daughter in law calls me one day (when we still spoke to each other) beginning with "your son is a asshole" ...ok.......i do not want to know why, nor do i want to know their own shit as married people. then i listened, tried to fix it all, (my bad problem with things) and a few weeks later i ask her some question and i get, "we dont tell others those things. we are private" i was like WTF? sure you are.

its the 2 diff inconsistent behaviors that will fuck me up every damn time. when i dont know what to do, i get extremely anxious and freaked out. (T says part of cptsd). since i couldnt get a compromise, i ended up having to remove myself entirely from any interaction with her. i had the blackmail of the grandkids long enough, and i just let her have it and win. i ran out of strength to deal with it.

my DIL does a sorta game thing where i cant win. example, my son had shoulder surgery. had i known the date, i woulda contacted him. i got slammed but she never told me the date it would be! this is exhausting behavior and i just cant keep it going a long time with someone. i had to tend to me. selfish or not, i had to back away from her.