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AT the end of therapy today my T left me with one last thought. It was something about "loving myself, before I can love others." (Can't remember exact words.) I've been feeling intensely sick, churned up and uncomfortable just thinking about what this is supposed to mean. I figured I needed to start with what the definition of self-love is? I'd like each person who responds (if they respond) to give me one example of what they think self-love is. (Too much information usually sends me into over-load.)

Self-love is making sure that I get adequate rest each day.

This sends me into a tailspin. I immediately react with anxiety. I cannot say what self-love means to me. Maybe it means not hating myself. This is hard to deal with.

((BG)) I felt the exact same way when I first thought about this. Physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I'm finding it very hard to deal with too. I seemed to find it easier to describe the things which are not self-loving. Thanks for your answer. Thus far:

-Maybe it means not hating myself
-Self-love is making sure that I get adequate rest each day.

Thanks Amanda. At first I was afraid to post what I wrote, because it sounded so negative. But I decided I had to be honest. Gosh, this thing gives me a physical reaction. I think deep down I've always hated myself. I can give love to others but not myself. All of my T's have tried to get me to do that, but there's something in me that is stubborn. I DO do good things for myself but I can't say yes, I love BG. Whew!

This is such a great question.

I think self-love means having empathy for yourself, the same as you would for other people. So, being appropriately pleased when things are going well, and when they're not, (when you're having negative feelings/thoughts/actions), responding with compassion and understanding for your falling short. You then go forward and learn from your mistakes rather than go into a self-hate spiral.

I struggle with this so much. My T is also working with me on it and I dissociate right out of the room, and he has to deal with that. Good luck Amanda and BG.

My T used to say that I hated myself, and I always denied it though I'm not sure why.

To me, self-love means treating myself the way I treat, or would like to treat, others whom I love--with caring, compassion, tenderness, and respect.

Self-love means believing in my own goodness.

It starts by believing I am worthy of love, from me or anyone.

Thanks for your responses. You've all given me something to think about.

Nice thread.

Remember those little cartoons, the "Love is..." ones (some may remember it's resurgence in London Tube Ads: "Love is....standing the the left on escalators to allow others to pass you")? We could do a self love one:

Self love is...

...when I eat well
...when I go easy on myself about a failure or disappointment
...opening and doing something about all of my mail
...allowing myself the time to take care of my own life
...meditation
...exercise
...believing I'm ok the way I am (even though I want to keeping changing and growing)

Where those the snoopy/peanuts cartoons? Vaguely remember those.

I've been thinking about this topic for a few days now and have come to a better understanding for myself what self-love is. It's all those things that others have mentioned, about taking care of my body - eating well, exercising, getting adequate rest etc. It's also about seeing my goodness, but not to the exclusion of seeing the things which could be improved on. It's about accepting that I'm ok, even when I do fail or make a mistake, or have issues that need sorting. It's about recognising and accepting that I have needs, although not necessarily acting on these perceived needs. It means it's ok to be selfish sometime, and put myself and my needs before others. It means changing things about myself, for me, not to satify somebody else's views of how I should be.

I realised that I've been so afraid of loving myself, because of those core childhood messages "who I am, is not ok." I've been so afraid that loving myself would turn me into my mother. But what I have come to see more clearly is my mother was not in love with who she was; she was in love with some grandiose, idealised, fantasy, perfectionist image that she created for herself, to hide her genuine self. (Those of us who really knew her and were close to her could see how fake it was.) I'm not feeling so afraid of this anymore. I can love myself, all of me, the goodness and the not so good. It's who I really am (warts and all), that my T is telling me that I need to love, not some grandiose, fantasy, idealised image of myself. I think I can do this. In fact, I know I can do this.

to me, self love is believing and understanding i have a right to live as jody. everything would come under that.

i am a human, with all ensuing rights and i have a right to BE.

and i am far from that right now.

Amanda, I think what you are getting at is unconditional love. Some people misunderstand this as permission to act in horrible ways with the expectation that others should love them anyway but it really means to love someone without expecting any "conditions" in return. I love my kids unconditionally, even when they disappoint me, and it is because I love them that I have high expectations for them and won't allow them to get away with being the kind of person others would find difficult to love. We can still hold ourselves up to high standards as a form of self-love because if we don't like the person we are, there is no way anyone else is going to be able to like us.