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regardless of whether one agrees or not with the concept of inner child, or calls it something diff, it works for me. everyone does have one, because everyone was a child at one time. every human goes thru stages to become a mature adult. when these stages are stopped or hurt by abuse, negative behavior results as a twisted way to achieve the need not gotten at any certain age. those needs must be met to finish growing "up", so to speak and be a mature adult. this is inner child work.

but i keep hearing some misconceptions about this.

in no way does inner child work say we dont take responsibility for our actions as adults. i keep hearing this over and over and it just isnt true. it is a explanation for behaviors that are negative or childlike in adults. it is not a excuse or reason to keep doing them. once a explanation is seen and accepted, and work DONE to fulfull the need not met, healing takes place.

i wont go into the whole concept here. i will say the more views and opinions a place has, the better. as long as we all respect each others views, it makes a better, bigger salad bar to choose from. it creates questions in our minds to think on, and thats always a good thing. i think the more varied a board is, the better. i have no desire to preach my way is the only way or best way. i believe people can think for themselves, and find and experiment to find the best path for their healing themselves. that is where peer support comes in. accepting others are capable of doing it for themselves and helping them in that path. not walking for them, just a helping hand of encouragement.

in a nutshell, very simple explanation that belies the complicated nature of this, inner child is we look for reasons why we react how we do in the present,,NOW..as adults. we address the childs needs (which must be addressed and healed or the adult will not ever heal fully) and see how to change our behavior into positive, mature ways.

it is the very basis of change and work. one cant do it without changing or working hard. to do it tho, one must face those feelings and eliminate them. that is very painful.

it has nothing to do with excuses to keep behaving like a 3 yr old. it does not , and indeed DOES, put the responsibility on us as adults to fix the needs, and change ourselves.

the fact is, most of anyone's maladaptive behaviors come from unmet needs as a child. if needs go unmet, they never finish growing. they will come up to be filled over and over until they are fulfilled. hence, to heal, one heals those needs. then the behavior stops! the need is no longer there.

the focus is on responsibility for those needs, fixing those needs, facing them, and changing how we behave. without fixing those needs, the change will be superficial and not permanent. inner child works on fixing those needs. works on changing the behaviors of today.

it is not saying blame the parents or past. it is not saying one doesnt have to change. it is saying here is how to stop those behaviors by eliminating the NEED for them.

healing the child within is a excellent book. any on carried shame are excellent also, as carried shame is a huge part of dysfunction.

just wanted to share a view. differing views are lifeblood to this or any site concentrating on healing ourselves. without it, it becomes stagnant.

inner child work goes along with CBT perfectly. i use both as well as many other techniques. the Tools also complement this perfectly. it is not a either/or, but a addition to healing.

regardless of whether one agrees or not with the concept of inner child, or calls it something diff, it works for me. everyone does have one


To me that seems like you are stating it as a fact that everyone has an inner child. Is that what you believe or a fact? I don't believe i have an inner child and it's not something i want to look into. I'm not saying that some people don't have an inner child, it is possible, but I don't think saying everyone does is helpful or necessary especially if it is a feeling and not a fact.

np rainbow, if you dont believe it. the fact would be a lot of mental health people believe this...and i should have added that as a disclaimer.

mental health pros can and will disagree about almost everything. so one school says we all have one, one may not. i dont thnk it can be proven as fact or not....altho to me it is a fact. if it isnt to you,thats cool. if you dont want to look into it, cool also. i wasnt preaching to anyone, just stating a diff view and trying to clear up some misconceptions of inner child work.

as i said, the best thing for anyone to do is read, check, think, sort and end up with what works for them on a long term basis. i think the more views we have to choose from, the better choices we all make.

just because i believe one thing doesnt mean everyone should. it also doesnt mean i cant share it so everyone can decide for themselves.

this link may help...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inner_child

it is a belief in mental health stuff, most of which can not be proven as fact or fiction. no one even knows how meds work in the brain, but its undeniable they do on some people.

ty for pointing out i could have worded that sentence better

Thanks jody..i'm sorry if my post came across as harsh that wasn't my intention...you are right we all have a right to believe anything we want and i'm not trying to say that you working on inner child work is wrong...i think it is great if it is something that helps...i think that i've been very focused on making sure i say the right thing in my r/l that when i saw what you "wrote" it kinda kicked up something in me and i apologize...take care...rainbow

no, rainbow..you were correct in that i didnt word it very well and should have done it better.

its fine and it didnt come across harsh at all to me.

something i forgot to add earlier, and was reminded of it!

all inner child work is not painful. it also means finding out or getting back in touch with the child in us..how many times have we forgot that?

we get so busy, we forget the joys children find. my grankids remind me every day of this--but it easily slips by us at times.

how a child sees the world..sitting and watching clouds, smelling flowers, laughing for the hell of it, those kind of things. getting in touch with those, the plain enjoying life and seeing the world with fresh eyes, that can make life worth living again. and it is inner child work also. integrates the adult with the child..to make a whole, truly mature person.

Wow, I like that Wikipedia link. It makes much more sense to me than what I've read before, and after reading that, I can say, yes, I certainly have an inner child.

I do disagree with the idea that the inner child is separate from any dissocation. If one has dissociation, then the inner child part, or the parts that make up the "inner child", that can be dissociated too. And while a child alter isn't the same as a inner child, that doesn't mean the the inner child is never dissociated.



For me, I feel that as a part of myself that I've sometimes called Little Girl. Little Girl doesn't always exist, but the feelings behind that part of me do. The inner child concept says that those feelings are always a part of me, and are the inner child, whether supressed, dissociated, or integrated. At least, that's how I understand it.

thats how i understand it also.

inner child is a label, description, for those feelings and needs.

from how i understand it, we have diff needs at diff ages. if those needs are not met, they do not go away. they usually are stuffed and become --instead of integrated with our personality--become..word? ....separate. to be met, they come up over and over. if we dont know how to meet and fulfill them, we use the behavior we did back at that age to rage about it, try to get them met, vent our pain. (childlike behaviors which was all we knew at the time the needs became unmet)

these are child behaviors, not adult. they are strong. the feelings will not be stuffed forever. they cant be as we need them met.

when we fulfill those needs, ie...heal the inner child...the need for behavior goes away. the need is met.

as a adult tho, we sometimes dont know...dont realize...the behavior is from this core. so we use negative behaviors as we havent made that connection inside ourselves. once we make the connection-----WHY the behavior---WHAT the behavior is---and heal or fulfill that need, we begin healing and changing.

that is inner child work. in my view. my "self" in each stage of growth and maturity. as we grow, needs are met, that stage is integrated into the next stage until we become "adult", a healthy, happy, fulfilled adult. until that happens, we retain those needs and behaviors.

imho* that is why its useless to try to change the behavior without fulfilling the needs. it cant be done. the needs dont go away/ they demand to be heard and filled.

it is scary, hard work but vital and so exciting and challenging. to feel a "need" go away and realize that nagging "voice" is gone, is undescribable. the behavior and need doesnt need to be changed because it simply vanishes.

hope this makes sense. yes, ellen, it is the feelings. i only use inner child because it makes it easier for me to focus on. "she" is the feelings the child never had filled. good point.

Ah-ha! this makes sense to me.

By this logic, if you fill those same unfulfilled childhood needs in the adult, will the inner-child be taken care of? I mean, we can't change the past right? So, if we ensure the adult no longer has the same unfulfilled needs (safety, nurturing, validation, emotional expression, whatever), does that 'heal' the child within? Am I getting this?

I'm always been interested in the inner child concept even though my Ts never used it with me. I know that I acted like a baby and a child with my most recent T in order to get those unmet needs fulfilled. It didn't work because SHE could not give me what I wanted and needed. I have to be "my own Mommy" and soothe the infant/child who is crying out to be held and comforted.

I'm not sure if I did that or not, so my question, Jody, is: how do you know if you are healed and won't keep seeking to fill the needs again and again? I think that my T supplied me with some of the unmet needs by being there for me consistently, believing in me 100%, offering me safety, and providing me with validation. For whatever reason, I don't feel like I need to be loved by her like I did before. I'm more at peace with myself. So, perhaps I healed my inner child in spite of myself, without actively doing "inner child" work?

I agree with the concept of having an inner child because I have no explanation for my behavior and feelings for my T otherwise. It was definitely a part of me from the pre-verbal stage that wasn't healed, and was enraged and ashamed.

Thanks, Jody for starting this thread. I think the way you have presented the concept is excellent!

i dont know ((wondering)) because this is something i "know" in my head but find it very hard to articulate in words.

this is what my T taught me ok? it does follow all the inner child work i have found online and in books and tapes. and i have read and took notes on a LOT lol. a entire legal pad full.

we are the only ones who can fill that in us. because the past is done and cant be redone, yet the needs remain unfilled, only us--we?-- can fix them. i find the tools invaluable for working thru things connected with this.

i have found certain needs are just no longer there. obviously, i must have done what needed to be done with those. i still find some cropping up tho...so it must be (in my thinking) i havent finished those yet.

i do want to emphasis the fact that i revisit the past to see where present day feelings come from and then see how to fix them. thats all. it isnt to live in the past, bemoan the past, or excuse anything. it is that i believe these feelings come from back then, unfulfilled needs, and unless i find them i cant fix them.

"""how do you know if you are healed and won't keep seeking to fill the needs again and again?""" i dont know if this makes sense or not, but once the needs quit cropping up in behaviors, i think their healed. this would take time, and concious knowledge or as some here call it "mindfulness". now, if a huge stress comes along, that need might crop up and need reassurance yet again. but watching our behaviors, we can stop before we act out and do some "mind work" on the need.

this is one of my worst issues, to stop myself from old patterns and behaviors and to KNOW when i am gonna do it and how stop it. argh i find this incredibly hard sometimes. and i fail at it sometimes. (some think lots of times)

"""So, perhaps I healed my inner child in spite of myself, without actively doing "inner child" work?""" i think in whatever way, you were actively doing the work. when things lessen, as you say, that speaks to me of major healing taking place. is it finished? only you will know that one.

the preverbal stage, where most of mine is also from, is just incredibly hard for me to work at, i relate to your stuff very much. some of my stuff there is no words for, no matter how hard i try. my T said this was preverbal, when i didnt have words to use. talk about hard!

H, you said """if you fill those same unfulfilled childhood needs in the adult, will the inner-child be taken care of? I mean, we can't change the past right? So, if we ensure the adult no longer has the same unfulfilled needs (safety, nurturing, validation, emotional expression, whatever), does that 'heal' the child within"""" how to word this? adults dont have those needs. those are child needs, as a mature adult will have them. this is why sometimes bpd behavior (as the T says--my "traits" lol) is child behavior and thoughts. adults dont need validation as such, or nurturing. adults know how to do that for themselves, and know in relationships what to look for or ask for and what is ours to do for us, and what is for others to give to us.

so it heals the "child", integrates those child needs into a adult mode, and that is healing. (to my understanding).

it isnt we "change the past events". what we can change is ---ah this is tough to put into words---we can fix those unmet needs as a adult. we can reparent ourselves and give ourselves what we didnt get back then. this isnt changing past events, it is fixing what wasnt gotten as a child. that we CAN change.

children, as children with the maturity of a child, dont view things as we would as adults. something terrifying to a child is not to us (usually). things seem bigger, louder, as a child. children have no concept of death as such till much older. so one has to remember those feelings are from a childs point of view. the angry, the fear, the pain is how the child saw it. we feel them again (extremely hard to do and painful) but we know as adults we survived, we handled it and it can no longer hurt us.

this is also where twisted thinking comes in, separation of self, all those cool Tools come in so useful.

some are too afraid to face this stuff. i certainly understand that, as so much of mine is still blank. and coming close to it can freak me out unreal. its ok if they arent. when their ready, they will. if they ever are, some may not ever be. some of my stuff i may never be. who knows.

i want to reinterate, this is what i learned from my wonderful T i dont have any longer. books and tapes backed up her views, and my own experience in healing has also. it isnt for everyone, and thats fine. we each have our own paths to walk. the tools given here are priceless in helping with this work. the CBT is priceless with this. it all comes together.

if i dont make sense with something, yall please tell me and ask me again. its very hard for me to put some of this into words.

It sounds like your T did meet your inner child's unmet needs, only not in the ways that your inner child specifically wanted.

Jody, I like how you have explained the concept of inner child, and I, too, believe we all have one.

thanks april! i wasnt sure i was making much sense.

it is my belief we all have one only because we all were children at one time. the stages of growth and maturity, how i understood it, each integrates as we grow (optimally) until one becomes a mature adult in all ways, physical, emotional, mental, etc. if we dont have it all met, then that part stays as it is until it is healed.

but i respect the fact others may not agree with me

I also agree with others that we all have an inner-child. I think the inner child may be the emotional maturity aspect of the above quote. The extent to which we identify or maybe still carry over characteristic of such seems to me to be the only possible point of contention. I say this because we are all, IMHO, imalgams of our sum life experiences (combined with the nature inherent in our genetics). If at any point in our childhood we were not 'allowed' or rather able to progress along 'normal' life stages, I can see how remnants of undone or unfulfilled needs still play out in adulthood. Some call this 'triggers' (i.e. acting out based on past events) or childish behaviour (i.e. not knowing how to comfort ourselves/modify behaviour because we did not or were not allowed to in stages past). One posted that some childhood whimsy should be remembered, I absolutely agree. As we age and fear and doubt, the joy and fearlessness is sometimes lost as well. I think it would be of importance to re-emerge this innocence to a degree as well. To feel unadultarated joy on a regular basis can, again IMO, stave off depression. Finding that joy requires some soul-searching and letting loose, recapturing that care-free spirit. I believe it is important.

I in no way believe the inner-child work is an excuse to act out as others have suggested. I don't believe that is what is happening here. It is a valid way to understand one's self. Personally, despite many 'bad' things happening to me in my youth, I would not be the strong person that I am without the experiences that I have had. I believe to connect with the inner-child simply means to recognize this. Not an excuse, a reason to learn how to react differently next time. Just knowing why I had the reaction. It's not that I want these negative past events to have happened, but I would not be 'me' without them. I am who I am, because of what I have been though. It makes me stronger (eventually). I can learn from that child.

So, as I've said in another post, the bottom line for me is I need to grow up completely. I don't mean this in a mean or derogatory way. I just mean that I need to shake off childish needs, or rather fulfill my own needs as an adult. But I do believe that even the healthiest adult needs validation sometimes, needs nurturing occionally, etc. Again, it is in the extremes that problems arise. IMO, acting like an adult (in part) means accepting responsibility for our own emotions. Soothing ourselves. If we never learned to do this or were not allowed to, it can be difficult and frightning. Hence, my abandonment issues :)! More work to do....

Great thread...... :D Thanks Jody!

thank you, H! kind words. i needed to hear some today.

interesting stuff you shared. i love others sharing their views. i always learn something.

""""I just mean that I need to shake off childish needs, or rather fulfill my own needs as an adult. But I do believe that even the healthiest adult needs validation sometimes, needs """ i agree every adult needs this at some time. but it isnt the deep need that comes over us our whole lives. if i can, i want to address what you said about shaking off childish needs. i dont know what you mean by this exactly, so i may be off the mark. deep child needs can not be shaken off. unmet needs and feelings can only be buried so long and will come up over and over to affect us. i like the way you worded " fulfill my own needs as a adult". excellent choice of words and ideas.

adults will need validation at times but not the deep seated need to be validated as a human being.

im tickled so many have liked this and understood it. and saw it in no way contradicts the board ideas of CBT and such. or the Tools.

this is some excellent views """It's not that I want these negative past events to have happened, but I would not be 'me' without them. I am who I am, because of what I have been though. It makes me stronger (eventually). I can learn from that child. """ i agree. all the sum of my life makes me jody. i have to choose how to turn the more negative stuff into positive stuff. i really liked what you said...that is self acceptance and esteem!

and never forget that "child" also gives us our joy, our love of life and to always see the best parts of it. my grandkids give me this reminder every day and i love it.

I agree that childish needs cannot be 'shaken off'. They can be buried or maybe considered undelt with in the past and therefore never able to be addressed. There is also the possibility that these needs are understood and recognized and actively sought. Sought by myself for comfort and sometimes from outside influences. I'm not sure I can go back, or that I want to. The people I need to go back with me are dead. I am fundamentally different. I no longer 'agree' with my inner-child, although I certainly see how and why I felt that way at the time. I simply reconize the old patterns....example..I felt invalidated quite a bit as a child. I was told that my opinion 'didn't count' because of my age and inexperience. I see this repeating in that now I continually feel invalidated despite real attempt to validate my feelings and show that what I feel is of value. I STILL DON'T SEE MYSELF AS HAVING VALUE. (that wasn't yelling, it was emphasising). Because I am trying to fulfill my needs as an adult (i.e. to feel validated) I try to see validation in whatever positive form it is presented. This is overly-simplistic, but really I mean that I just realize that I am sensitive to feelings of low self-worth and actively look for ways in which others might be doing this that I would have otherwise (in my childhood) dismissed. I also realise internally my own value and try to build that up in ways such as education and this board and introspection and yadda, yadda, yadda. Make sense?

yes! your doing great:)

I like what April and Harmonium have added to this thread, and Jody, you explained yourself very well in your responses to me and others. You are making good sense, and writing very clearly.

I identify so much with this topic!


Yeah, when I felt such anguish when leaving my t, and didn't know why I was reacting that way. I told her she was talking English, trying to tell me how to soothe myself, but I was talking "baby talk" and couldn't "hear" her English. She agreed. The feelings were powerful and scary. It makes me think how scared I (or any baby) must have felt at times.

I agree that using the tools as an adult is a complement to the inner child work. The child needs can be met at the same time as working, as an adult, on untwisting thinking and other things. Realizing that we are adults now, and have coping skills, is so important or we could get lost in that preverbal or child stage. I think that's what started to happen to me. I was pulled into it and didn't want to/couldn't get out of it. Maybe my t could helped me more, or maybe I just had to pull myself out when I was ready. Yes, it's hard work!

((wondering)) i find myself nodding as i read what you shared. thanks i still have no answers on the pre verbal stuff...it stumps me. if you have any views to share on that, i would love to hear them.

I think the only answer for me is radical acceptance. I had those needs, but now I'm an adult. I know where they are coming from, and I know my pattern is to try to latch on to a t or someone else to fulfill them. I don't want to do that anymore, since I learned it doesn't help.

But I think you once told me to talk to the infant, using soothing words. Does that work for you? That would be the way to calm the inner child, wouldn't it?Afterwards, I think mindfulness, because that gets you back into the here and now, where you aren't a screaming infant.

yes, i did. talk to "her", reparent her. i would have to refer you to web sites or a book on reparenting, as its a bit much to post here....or holler at me pm, if you want. i can see what i can find in my references....

Jody, I wasn't asking for ME; I was responding to what you wrote, above. I thought YOU wanted ideas on how to talk to the preverbal child. LOL. It's okay, as long as we both know the direction we're headed, right?

I just wanted to say that I liked this comment a lot! I agree Wondering. I think I have used RA too, although I didn't know what it was called at the time.

oh doh me ((wondering))!!! LOL.

i wonder if that will work on the pre verbal stage...i did want ideas! i just somehow lost the connection...sorrrryyy!!! shakes head at myself*

wondering, i read great strides and healing in your words...wow...impressed* great job!

the discussion here provided me with a good introductory insight into the concept of the 'inner child'. if i can just add my feelings on this for what it's worth. around 2 years ago i was totally unaware of anything about this topic . i was having one particularly bad episode really battering myself with the self-hatred thing. i thought that was just me - how i was - had no idea either about bpd. anyway - i really was in despair with this self-hating thing when for some reason i had a vision of myself as a wee girl - the more i focused on her - the clearer it became to me that she had been through so much hurt and pain that it was comforting she needed and not this tirade of abuse that i was effectively directing at her as i felt that she was still there in me. (it's fine now convinced that i am indeed crazy it's ok to verbalise this stuff:-) iat that time i reached out to her to provide the comfort that she needed - that i needed - somehow that got me through that particular episode. after that for a while i carried around a picture of myself as a wee girl. when i felt that hatred coming up i would actually look at it to remind myself how terrible it was to direct such horrible feelings towards a child like that. it helped. it wasn't until some time afterwards that a family counsellor i had raised the subject of inner child - telling me of his experiences with it. i never sayed anything about what i had been feeling but it did make me think. haven't looked into it any further - came across it just in past couple of days whilst reading the book "Get me out of here." - it's kind of what led me to read this thread. so just thanks to the contributers - it is i think something i should definately be looking further into.